Single Mum, ex on IVO

[Bibbetyboo]

I wasn’t planning a child. I explained that to him and why a month before I found out I was pregnant. I thought I could reason with him logically convince him to let me go, but he wanted control of my entire world.
I was shattered i thought i would never get away from him now.I knew as soon as I found out that he would use this child to control my life.
I was happy about the baby, but not that it was his. He wouldn’t help me to get a termination but he also wouldn’t discuss co-parenting. The fights were getting worse.The only deal he would make is us together, until he dies raising our child.
After some serious concerns about his character I made a very hard decision and left him, again.
That’s only a small amount of whats happened but after a stint in a homeless shelter with no back door during my first trimester in and out of hospital with severe migraines i folded and went back, he snapped again and i left. I went back again after the birth because i had nobody to support me, the phone lines weren’t enough, I was so scared. He did it again, I left again.
He gaslights me badly, manipulates people and has breached his full IVO multiple times, I have reported it to police.
I’m so stressed raising my son, i love him to bits but i have applied for a forever IVO on his father and I’m stressed and distant from baby because of it.
I feel like i cant trust anyone. So many people have really screwed me over. I have so much to say. I really need to talk.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Bibbetyboo,

Thank you for your post and for sharing what's been going on with you. Sorry that you haven't had a reply sooner but I hope that it helped to write it out. I'm so sorry to hear about the way you've been treated by your ex; it's upsetting and you don't deserve it.

Can you tell us about what sort of support you might have received when you did leave? Did you make contact with DV services? If you haven't already you can also contact 1800RESPECT and the webchat www.1800respect.org.au (both free).

Hopefully we can help find you some support and in the meantime you're welcome to share whatever you like here.

rt

[Bibbetyboo]

Hi, thanks for the reply.

The support for me is about as good as it has been on beyond blue and I have tried EVERYWHERE as i wrote, the phone lines don’t work. All the support i have been offered has been bare minimum or fallen through mostly because of COVID.
I gave birth alone 6 months ago and since then have been struggling not to fall into complete despair.
My son is beautiful but I often feel totally out of my depth, i cant give him a future.
I know that seems cliche but I have no money am back living with my parents in a really cramped place with no privacy and no peace.
I have applied for a permanent IVO on my ex and am stressed it wont come through.
I don’t have time to see a professional just went through months of rape counselling and keep getting told to go around in circles only to get no help at all. I am sick of trying and sick of telling the same story over and over again.
Oh I cant drive.
All the money I save goes on my son.
We cant afford anywhere to live even with QUANTUM and special services assisting and a flawless rental history.
I feel like my son and i will never get out of here. I have no control and no mother son time with him because I’m surrounded constantly by the watchful eye and opinion of my parents.
I cant put him in Daycare because if he get’s sick, i can’t pick him up and if my parents get sick, they cant work.
Mum and Dad wont help with him because they’re disappointed in me and I often get the feeling he is outcast because of me, because i’m a 36 yo single mum in a situation while my siblings are more successful every day.
I feel he knows I’m a loser, i feel he knows he’s been outcast and he’s not even 6 months old.
I feel so isolated as a person and I cant tell anyone but i also struggle to hide it from my boy.
There is just no way out of this. I am a constant victim of the past.
If I tell anyone they will take my son.
He has threatened me multiple times.
Support services have failed us big time over and over
We have a roof over our heads, but it’s not going to work we will have to move as soon as Bub can crawl which is, a month ago.

I have been urgently asking births deaths and marriges to send my sons birth certificate and they wont reply. I have paid and paid for it, without it we cant get social housing.
I’m so tired, and not even from my Bub, of life. I have always been tired of life.
I have horrible nightmares and cant sleep properly anymore.
Its just awful. I’m just never good enough.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Bibbetyboo,

We're so sorry to hear that you are in such a tough situation. We can hear how exhausted you are feeling- it sounds like you have been through so much. We are sorry to hear that you are feeling not good enough, because we think you are so strong, and your  son is lucky to have such a caring mother. Things are really hard right now, but we hope that you know that even in the darkest of times there is always hope, and things can always improve.

We hear you that the phone lines haven't been helpful to you. You might get the most out of them if you ask for a specific referral for a family violence caseworker in your area. We would strongly recommend Safe Steps. Safe Steps is Victoria’s 24/7 family violence response centre - https://www.safesteps.org.au/ 

If you need legal assistance regarding the IVO or the birth certificate, Women's Legal Service Victoria works with women experiencing disadvantage to address legal issues arising from relationship breakdown or violence.
https://www.womenslegal.org.au/

We hope that you can find some comfort in this online community. We are all hoping that the IVO will come through shortly and that things will slowly start to improve. It sounds like you have been doing the best that you can, and we hope that you can be gentle with yourself.

 

[Bibbetyboo]

Hi.
I had a family violence counsellor from QUANTUM for 6 months after I reported the assault.
She was great but a lot of the stuff she tried to make happen fell through and because of COVID it was hard to get any other help.
She had to close because we worked together for too long. I went back to my ex because he promised to help us out of homelessness and promised DHS he would get counselling but he didnt and the abuse began again.
I left again and this was only after about 2 weeks.
we were referred (my son and I) another worker from the same service, but she closed and barely contacted me.
I felt like this worker didnt understand the stress I was under or that i had a 4 month old with an undiagnosed food allergy as well as post pregnancy issues.
She closed abruptly with no explanation.
I am still connected with QUANTUM support services PRAP plus program but it has not been very helpful, its to help get us private rental but i get knocked back for even unsuitable property and our support term is about to run out which will put us in worse financial hardship should we find a rental.
I will try woman’s legal service tomorrow, thank you for reminding me that’s there.
nothing has made me feel more alone than leaving abuse pregnant right before a pandemic.