Sexual abuse in childhood- yayyyy

[Lil123]

Hi everyone, I have posted about my life before on here, but as I don't have therapy or a consistent form of professional support anymore, I'm finding myself on here again. 

Recently, I was just watching a movie with my mum, that had an extremely specific scene about a brother sexually abusing a sister throughout childhood. This hit way too close to home and I started crying without really even understanding why at first. My best guess is it was a major trigger for me that hasn't come up before. I used to think there was something wrong with me, for only really crying about it a few times about what had happened, but now I think I realise I just hadn't really come across triggers. I started crying because I realised for the first time that it had actually been going on since I was about four, and it just built up from there, and led to the major incident. This made me extremely sad, angry.. and probably every other emotion as well. Just to realise it was there all along. This is extremely difficult to talk about clearly, but in short, my brother and I were not normal, and the worst thing is we didn't even realise it was wrong, I'm guessing because our dad was abusive. No one knew. until I was 12, when he fully sexually abused me. But I didn't say no, I didn't know how to even reply. And I still feel so bad that my brother got the worst of the consequences afterwards, which completely ruined him. I feel so bad, because maybe if I had realised we both had always had this relationship earlier, then maybe he would be a bit better. Now his living back with our dad, being manipulated day by day, the worst thing is I cant do anything about it. 

Sorry if this is kind of just a major fat dump for literally everyone reading this, I always feel so bad when telling this story, because no one else should really have to hear it. But my mum cant stand hearing about it, shes too hurt by it. So this is me just trying to talk, idk why I'm writing tbh. anyway. that's that, I'm just not really sure what to do with these emotions, a part of me has been really good a keeping them out of mind for a while, but this has just brought it all back up. Crazy what a single scene in a movie can do I guess.

[white knight]

Hi again, welcome back

Every now and then on this forum a members post imo reflects such bravery I'm blown out of the water. Thankyou. 

Tragic events need professional help, even your mum likely needs it. So sad. But you can't change the past nor actions other people do like your brothers decisions. "Charity begins at home" your home and all people's goal with triggers is to aim for a day they are contained to a level of acceptance that is- the least reactive as possible. That would be a REALISTIC expectation.

Along with the above is to give yourself permission to reflect, cry and hold others accountable in your own mind. This leads to a better mindset which is zero fault on your part and full fault on the perpetrator. 

OK, that's my theory on your story but there's one major thing left. While you tackle the above, please reserve part of your mind for future positive plans so you'll enjoy this gift of life to the max. Write down where you want to be in 1,2,5 and 10 years from now.

WRITE A SONG

Some inflict heinous acts

Others force to sign a pact

But of missing smiles that shouldn't be

You'll smile again Lil123

Take some time one day at dusk

Countless tears if you must

That evening will pass in the usual way

It matters more how you spend the day...

You could listen to the singing birds around

The pipers of kookas and the choris of sounds

You'll embrace the right and frown the wrong

Retrieve a pen and write a song...

TonyWK 

[geoff]

Hello Lil123, there is no shame in writing back to us, if there is a problem that's affecting your life then all we want to do is help you.

If someone is suffering from PTSD, and I'm not a doctor, then watching a scene like this either in a movie, tv or in real life with may be a friend, then of course this is going to be a trigger to re-kindle your own situation, and especially now that your brother is living with his father.

This type of abuse should be reported to the police but before you can do this talking with a counsellor will help you gain the strength you need for this to happen.

You could ring 'crime stoppers' where you can remain anonymous but eventually you might have to come forward and help your brother, mother and yourself.

Please don't be afraid, talk with us at anytime.

Geoff.

Life Member.