Sex abuse, HIV and stigma

[Warrierdown25]

I was diagnosed with HIV after reporting sexual abuse to my gp. He tested me and it came back positive. At that point in time I didnt process any of it not the rexual abuse not my own diagnosis becuase I had three cbildren to look after one of which I had been breastfeeding. When my baby came back positive as well the focus was on getting my baby treatment and I didnt have time to process how I felt about giving my child HIV. It has been four years now my child is well and healthy we have been through alot with liquid medication treatment and he is now on tablets and doing well. We have both been undetectable from medication since starting which means the virus is doormat and we cant transmit it but I have had alot of symptoms from my own meds. I have nausea fatigue and weight gain and for the longest time I have been pushing past it and been busy raising my kids and studying. In the last six months my symptoms have peristed and with other health issues I have gotten to the point where doing anything takes the biggest toll on me. When the kids fight and yell I have panic attacks. I find that no matter what I do and say they wont stop. I get it they are kids and it is normal but I feel the way it affects me isnt. I started to see the links of PTSD and trauma but I have not gotten help. I am to embaressed to tell anyone. I feel now I have deep depression from living unwell for so long and now with the kids home all the time due to the pandemic I am not coping. I am not getting enough sleep and I am woken up every morning early from the kids. I have tried to explain what I am going through to my mum and she does not get it she just blames me. This morning she told me I am not that sick that I cant be doing more than I am now and expects me to just stop being depressed she said its a choice. I dont have any other support I dont want a partner after the sexual abuse I experienced so I have been on my own all this time. I dont know what to do to change this I am normally a positive person who pushes past whatever I am going through but I cant anymore. I dont like going out with the kids they always touch surfaces and cant abide by social distancing rules. I am scared someone will yell at us or worse we will get in trouble. My mum is my only support and it really sucks that she does not get it and blames me all the time. I just need help and I am way past helping myself.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Warrierdown25,

We're so sorry to hear of your past trauma and current struggles. We know talking about thses things ins't easy but it's so important that you have. We want you to know you've found a safe and understanding place to discuss these things without judgment. We're here to give you as much peer support, advice and conversation as you need.

It can be difficult when those closest to you don't seem to understand. Given the history you've outlined here, we'd strongly recommend you reach out to our friends at 1800RESPECT- https://www.1800respect.org.au/- or  1800 737 732 as they specialise in providing counselling for sexual assault and family violence. Because you mention the coronavirus restrictions affectting your mental health, we'd also recommend you check out our Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service - https://coronavirus.beyondblue.org.au/. Here you'll find a lot of practical information about how to manage things like sleep and being a parent given the restrictions. You can also talk to one of our specially trained qualified mental health professionals there on 1800 512 348 who will be able to provide you with support, advice, some counselling and referrals to get you the support you need.

[GimZim]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

With regard to stigma, you are dealing with so much. HIV+ status, abuse survivor and (assumed) single mother. Any one of those would be hard to deal with but you're living with all of them. From your post you sound incredibly resilient, even if you're struggling with a lot.

I'm sorry your mother doesn't understand. Do you have a good doctor you feel you can trust? It's daunting but I think reaching out and developing a support network would be good for you. Reaching out here to share your story can be part of that too.

[Warrierdown25]

Thanks for your reply I have a GP but I find when I try and tell him im struggling he says you will be fine you are smart and doing well. I guess I present fine and dont look like im struggling. I think I need a new GP really who I can be more open with I just find it hard. It would be great to get a support network going just posting my story here and reading others has helped.

All the best to you

[Warrierdown25]

Thank you for your reply thank you I will make time to reach out

[CalmCat]

Hi Warrierdown25,

Your post is heroic, thank you so much for sharing.

Just know that we hear you!

There are some great resources out there:

https://endinghiv.org.au/

https://www.mshc.org.au/

If these aren't for you, just hop on Google, I'm sure you'll find something.

If you don't reach out and let us know, we can help.

Regards,

Doz

[Warrierdown25]

Thanks I checked out the websites I have been getting involved lately in the HIV pos community which has been amazing. I guess where I am at is my own internal issues that I have not addressed for so long. I guese this post is a start for me to be able to share so thanks for your response.