Second marriage breaking down due to emotionally abusive behaviours from husband

Jane007 · ‎21-11-2015

I have been married for four years to the man who I thought was the love of my life. I have two daughters and my husband has four kids so there are six other people's lives affected by this unhappy marriage. My husband is an aggressive bullying and controlling person. He has a tendency to go from a "normal" mood to a spitting rage in mere moments and as a result of this we all walk around on eggshells most the time. No-one can predict him from hour to hour. He is a very difficult man to live with and has hugely affected my life not necessarily in a good way. We got married a year after my first marriage ended I felt at the time a bit hesitant about it all (we had a very expensive trip/wedding in the UK with all 8 of us) - I felt it was very rushed. Bit by bit after the wedding his angry episodes became more and more frequent - he would "rage walk" on the beach 2 or 3 times a mth - sometimes sleeping there overnight (something he also did in his previous relationship of 19 years). His kids were well used to this behaviour - my two girls (13 and 15). I believe I am an easy going person but I do admit I am hugely affected by his outbursts and and put downs. One night two years ago I asked him politely to bring the dog in as he was about to get into bed as she was barking. He went berserk - I was already in bed - he grabbed the covers at the end of the bed and tugged them off me then knelt over me and spat in my face saying "Oh and YOU'RE SO PERFECT!!" And then he spat in my face. I left the next morning and stayed with a friend taking the girls with me. He demanded I return by a certain time or not bother at all. Typical! I returned of course . About 2 mths ago he stood up in front of me and the children and when we were arguing he walked closer to me and when I put a chair between us he kicked it out of the way. The children were v frightened - his 16 yr old son asked him to please stop - it was a very charged situation. A week later I told him at family dinner that if he did that again I would leave and take my daughters with me. He says "Cos it's ALL my fault". When I say "Yes, it is. I'm not the person losing it" he says "it's just one long list of what's wrong with ME". My daughters do love him and he is not all bad. When this blind rage hits him it turns him into a very intimidating force (he's 6 ft tall and very strong). Any help or advice would be appreciated. How much of ourselves can we sacrifice when living with an emotional abuser? Thank you.

UsuallyCoping · ‎21-11-2015

Hello Jane007.

I am feeling for you and have a little understanding of what you must be experiencing having lived with two angry men previously. There were never children involved though.

Knowing what I do now, I would say not to sacrifice ourselves for any abuser but please know that is my opinion and I would never judge anyone for making decisions to stay or go because I understand how it is.

I hope someone else on here is able to give you some you some better support but I really wanted you to know I am thinking of you.

geoff · ‎21-11-2015

dear Jane, I'm just so sorry for being in this situation, and although I'm no psychologist but after many years of suffering it is possible that we could indicate that he may have bipolar, but only a doctor can diagnose this.

Abusive marriages or relationships whether they are verbal or worse still physical are certainly no way for you to live your life, because you shouldn't be threatened by any of this, and there's no excuse.

OK if he does have this illness then he needs medication, but to even suggest this to him wouldn't be advisable for you, just in case of any ramifications.

If he blames you all the time, then I would suggest that you move out, and if he TELLS you to return or demands you, please don't succumb to his requests, because it's no different than the 'bashed wife syndrome', where the wife always returns and then gets bashed once more, and I not saying that he does this with you, but it runs alone the same principle. Geoff. x

pipsy · ‎23-11-2015

Hi Jane. I'm probably way out of line here, but here goes. I think the sooner you get away from this man the better. Your health, not to mention your kids and your safety depends on it. He needs help, so do you. Maybe, as Geoff suggested, he has some form of bipolar, whatever the problem is, he is extremely dangerous. Possibly narcissistic as well. Does he drink, that would add to the volatile nature he already has. I'm quite surprised by you saying your daughters love him. As Geoff has already said, if you do leave him and he demands your instant return, tell him 'no'. I would also look at the possibility of taking out an AVO for my and my kids safety. You don't have to live in fear, neither do your kids. You were not put on this earth to be somebody's 'punching bag'.