Reality vs present - past vs present, disassociate confusion

[Booots]

Hi peeps , hopefully somebody can help me clear some thoughts that have been going round in my head.

I have PTSD , I think I disassociate.But when I am in a disassociate state I'm not escaping my trauma memories I am remembering them or I'm stuck in some other negative thought loop .... hopefully people don't say that is flashbacks because it's not always real past traumas , 

I do have flashbacks I know , but I feel I disassociate from whatever I'm doing eg driving a.d get stuck in a negative thought or memory .

I'm not disassociating from the trauma do whats that called and why do I keep doing it 

[Croix]

Dear Boots~

I'm not that familiar with all technical terms. I suffer from PTSD, anxiety and depression and at times am not linked ot or aware of my surroundings or what I'm doing. This may be disassociation, dunno. I do feel it is a means of holding the memory of unpleasant experiences at bay sometimes.

So what is in my mind at these times? Sometimes it is being at the  event(s) that were too much, sometimes it is being at other events that did not happen, but are someway related. Sometimes it is simply 'watching' myself as I act as if I was someone else. Increasingly it is remembering rather than being there.

PTSD has certainly not disconnected me from emotions, though there are not the one's I'd choose. Anger, frustration, 'paranioa' in a non technical seine, needing to be in control and more. Flight or fight at the surface I guess you could say.

It certainly gets better. Therapy, support and time all have reduced my symptoms to manageable levels. True sometimes something hits me or I tend to drift, but I can often predict and avoid matters that are going to distress me, and the remaining symptoms, if they do occur, do not have the power they did, and I manage and ride though them OK.

Croix

[Booots]

Thanks Croix, 

Can certainly relate to what you've said .

What frustrates me is the anxiety in me makes me read and research about psychology . As if I'm going to fix myself ,lol

I just don't understand it though because to disassociate is supposed to be a coping mechanism that separates me from past traumas .

But it's the opposite, it separate me from reality or the the present moment  and puts me into memories or negative thoughts . 

I need to learn more about it amd at the moment 1 hour a fortnight with my psychologist isn't moving fast enough for the anxiety to accept...

Anyway I guess I'm reaching for more stories like yours I can connect with or maybe somebody has a better way of explaining Flashbacks , are they always supposed to be elements of the actual trauma or can flashbacks include other negative thoughts and memories ? Is that rumination or flashbacks ? 

Can rumination involve disassociation from the present ?

[Croix]

Dear Booots~

I'm no doctor or expert so I guess I can only define terms in relation to my own expereices. All to a greater or lesser extent remove me from being aware.  Flashbacks is being in the past, or some other seeming real episode, be it what actually happened or somethng else. I guess here I'd have to include nightmares.

They can have physical effects like crying.

Memories can be vivid and detailed and occupy one's attention, but one is still aware of the present, it is just a lot of attention is used up by them

Rumination is more anxiety related, going over past events or waht might happen in the future, like a the famous hamster-wheel. A loop. Once can still see the present but the rumination again takes up a lot of attention

In fact for me it memories and rumination can use up just about all my brain-power, so I don't have any left at the time for other people or things, which makes someone else paying attention to me unwelcome as I can't cope wiht the extra. It's easy to be resentful or angry then.

None of these things is pleasant.

I try to break loops using a free smartphone app called Smiling Mind. This has exercises that cater to all different sorts of people. I've a goldfish's attention span at times and there is an exercise that nags me just often enough to keep me on track and concentrating.

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app/

It takes practice but is well worth it, being able to steer one's mind elswhere is a real help.

Things are out of sight better than they used to be, and everything is easier to deal with, plus I no longer get angry.

I know I have spent this post talking about me, however I wanted to to have a yardstick to measure things by.  Hope to talk with you some more

Croix