PTSD I Never Feel Safe

[Megflower]

Hi,

My PTSD peaks then kind of recedes, but seems easily triggered. At the moment I am so lost in it I feel like I can't breathe, and all it took was someone else at work talking about their struggle with it, now I am so raw scared and having trouble pretending to be ok. 

I don't talk to anyone about it, but just his story has made me feel even more disconnected than before its just me and my memories.

I was OK now I am just not, I can't feel safe its sort of like being back there.

I feel bad I can't be better like the man at work, he seems okay he's functioning, I feel bad that I can't make myself better - like as if I am not trying hard enough. 

[Jacko777]

Hi Megflower,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. When you say you are trying hard, do you mean you are receiving treatment? Are you not getting the results you would like?

Try not to get caught up in comparison, the guy at work has his own set of circumstances that are different to yours. Stay focused on your own recovery, do you have exercises that work for you when you have the 'can't breathe' feeling?

A lot of people on this site would relate to how you feel, you can talk here any time.

Jack

[Megflower]

Thanks.

I guess I am not really trying properly, I have tried seeing a psychiatrist but there were all these long pauses that sent me into a panic. 6 months ago I saw a psychologist but I just can't even think about the incidents. Just touching on it sends me back so fast I feel like I will lose my grip on reality, and I become afraid I won't find my way back.

I don't know why, but I feel like I have to be "on alert" all the time, just in case,  of what I don't know.

It's as tho I keep putting Band-Aids over band aids because I don't want to see what's underneath, it terrifies me. My partner doesn't understand he just gets angry at me because I won't talk about it, he doesn't get that I can't.

I guess I just have to suck it up, and keep pushing it down 🙂 

[Jacko777]

Thanks for replying Megflower. We are told that a key to recovery is having a clear understanding of the condition so you can instigate the appropriate treatment. If you tell your doctor that you are terrified and panicked they should be able to support you through this, if not you should find a doctor that can. You can also ring the Beyond Blue phone service whenever you feel this way, any time. In fact you could ring them now to get some advice on your next steps.

Don't get me wrong, I understand how you feel and it's not easy. However, it is worth persisting, get support and advice so that you can be aware of what small steps you can take to feel better.

Meditation and breathing exercises have been very useful for me to get through the anxious moments, meditation has helped me to sharpen my focus on the good stuff and off the bad. I don't think you can ignore this and it will go away but I know you can treat it and feel better.

Jack

[Neil_1]

Hi there megflower

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

There’s a few things to think about here I believe – as in, we’re not quite sure as to how long ago the event that happened to you took place, and really unless, you want to tell us, there’s no need.  I’m just thinking here, that it could in fact, be not all that long ago and so for bad memories to come flooding back are to be expected.

Another thing along those lines is, when we’ve experienced some kind of horrible event and we suffer from ptsd (this is one thing I suffer from) from a personal viewpoint, it is now some 24 years ago for me and yet, I can recall it like it was yesterday.  And in certain circumstances, if something happens or I see something, etc, I will go to pieces even now.  What I’m trying to say here is that I believe what you’re described and what you are experiencing, though it’s tough and hard to deal with, it’s all par for the course.

Now, there was something else I wanted to comment on, now what was it?

Oh yeah, you mentioned that this other fella seems to be functioning on an ‘ok basis’ at work.

You know what, who’s to say that he isn’t actually someone who comes on this site as he feels he needs support?  Who’s to say that when he’s home alone, he breaks down?   We don’t know, but what is important here is to know that each person is different with how they react and how they operate.  Some are able to do it well, perhaps it comes with experience and some have major trouble dealing with it.  I figure though that it’s a lot like grief – everyone deals with it in their own way and there is no right or wrong way.

I think what might be good to know though, are the triggers for you and what may set you off.  I’ve got a list of mine and for the most part am able to avoid those, but from time to time, you get something unexpected – and unfortunately, there’s no other way around that.

I hope that something that I’ve rambled on with above has made some sense.

Cheers

Neil

[Megflower]

Thanks for the comments.

The sex abuse by my stepfather was over 20 years ago between the ages of 7-13. So not exactly recent, I just can't seem to get over it I guess. It's all tangled up in culty religious stuff and my mother always took his side even after the divorce. No one believed me or would listen. 

Some of it I remember clearly other bits and pieces come and go which is scary, so yes some triggers I know and avoid, but others are just so sneaky.

I wish I could trust someone and tell them but the physical sensations overwhelm me a bit, and I am always scared no one will believe me.

Anyway, your probably right about the guy at work everyone is different with their own story. He is stronger than me right now. 

Again thanks for the replies it helps clarify stuff and remind me that others can kind of understand.

[Neil_1]

Hi there megflower

Thanx for your latest post and for explaining a bit more of your situation.

It makes so much sense now.

We’re from two completely different backgrounds, ie:  the trauma that we individually suffered, but the scarring that it leaves within you never goes away.

They say that time heals.  I want to know who “they” are and have “they” walked in our shoes.

I was only speaking with my psychologist yesterday and during that hour appointment my ptsd issue arose – well, it’s hard not to – and I went back to that time, as though it was 5 minutes ago.  I remember it all so vividly and it haunts me so badly.

For you (and for anyone) who has had to endure the horror of child sex abuse, my heart goes out to you and everyone in that situation.  And this is where I totally understand you saying that “no, it wasn’t recent, but I just can’t seem to get over it” and I don’t really want to dwell on it too much in this response, as I don’t want to possibly drag up old nasty memories for you, but it’s just when something so ‘severe’ happens to us, it does stay with us, it has too.

And yet, you then (either then or later on) have the issues where you feel the strength to be able to come out and speak about it, only to hear then, that whoever it was that you told, doesn’t believe you.

Which is awful in its own right, but then it has the snowball effect on you, where in order to possibly get appropriate help, you need to talk to someone about it, but because when you last had the inner strength to raise it, you received negative feedback.  This therefore puts you in a position, where wanting to seek help is put on hold, delayed or simply not sought, due to earlier bad responses, experiences.

I hope I’ve made sense there – I think I understand what I’ve written, or at the very least, I’ve understood, what I was thinking.  Makes it difficult for the reader though.  😞  🙂

Kind regards

Neil

[A_Tech]

Hey Megflower,

PTSD!!!! This is what I'm currently going through too. Different circumstances brought mine about, but the same as you, is was due to repeated YEARS of being exposed to something. 

They say that if you've suffered from depression in your life, then you have a higher chance of developing PTSD should you be exposed to the right set of circumstances. Not everyone does obviously, but I sure did. I too was sexually abused, by my grandfather. This led to depression, eating disorders and self harm by the time I was 14.

Years of turmoil followed as it does and then I had my beautiful son when I was 21. What was supposed to be the happiest time in my life, turned into severe post natal depression. I still can't remember the first year of his life AT ALL and not much of his second or third.

He'll be 19 next month!

I did recover from that (although even today, I feel an enormous guilt at not being the mum he deserved!). I finally decided to find a career and 10 years ago I started working in the State Trauma Hospital. Things were fine for the first 5 or so years, but I had such a passion and enthusiasm for my job, and they exploited that. 

Need I say, thats where the PTSD comes in. 

I need to tell you though, I was like that guy you work with. Because the operating theatres are such a regimented area (especially as I was in Anaesthetics), there was NO way I was going to let them see me like that, not when I was always being referred to as the star tech. That worked for about a year, then I was losing control over it. It was creeping into work life whether I liked it or not!

Then my brother was arrested! Wow did that make it worse. Six months later my mum, father in law, an aunty and grandmother all passed away within 2 months. that was my rock bottom.

I stopped going to work and eventually tried to take my life a few times, this was only the end of last year.

But do know what? I've been through all that and I honestly didn't think I'd make it, but here I am! I know you must be sick of hearing it, but finding the RIGHT therapist makes ALL the difference. I can honestly say the worst is over, there is still a long road ahead, but unless you are prepared to confront your memories head on, you'll be stuck here forever.

I still have my life, my beautiful husband and son, and thats why I make myself go though re living the work trauma every week, for them and me.

I will always be here to talk too if you want.

Donna xx

[Megflower]

Once again thanks for the replies definitely reminds me that people can relate.

I am feeling very vulnerable as I have placed trust in someone telling them kind of where I am at right now PTSD etc etc. I think it was a mistake, I want to take it back I want my walls I feel naked.

This level of honesty has happened twice and it ended badly both times for different reasons. One guy used the trauma kind of against me I guess he was quite physically/sexually abusive, the other person never got it and seemed to believe it would all go away if I talked about and made police statements as I could be to blame if what happened to me happened to someone else.

Basically I should never ever have given any of these past or present persons pieces of me that they will just use to hurt me. I hate that they can see me, I hate being weak.

I am so angry and disappointed in myself.

[A_Tech]

Hi Megflower,

 I can definitely relate to the not wanting to give anything of yourself to anyone, because unfortunately there are truly scum sucking people out there that do use these things against us, as if it gives a sense of power perhaps?

Although our PTSD is brought about by different circumstances, the end result is still the same. We're suffering, in pain emotionally, and just sometimes we DO have to reach out to try ann make a connection with someone. It's the human thing to do.

Mine is hugely work related, due to years of ongoing trauma work, but I did also have an emotionally abbusive childhood, so I've never made friends easily at all! And Like you say, just when you do open up, you get slapped down again. The only hope that has kept me going in the friends dept, is that I was lucky enough when I was 16 (and moved out of home) that I moved in next door to a girl with such similar issues to me, worse even, that we never judged each other once. We've been best friends for 24 years now!

The only other friend I gave in to and became very close to inn recent years, did exactly as we've just talked about. I was gutted! We have worked together for the last 10 years and only the last 4-5 have I allowed myself to get so close that I knew I was very vulnerable. 

Sure enough, a new partner came into her life, all good at first, I was even going to be there maid of honour at there wedding. But the partner was jealous of how close we were, convinced that I was trying to break them up. She took her partners side, after only being together for 1 1/2 years, very volatile relationship, that was it.

The devastating part was when rumours and private things about my life became public knowledge at work (unfortunately we all worked together). I was suddenly made to be an outcast in a job I adored, left with no one who would even be seen talking to me. That was part of my decision along with the PTSD, to resign.

So, I know how horrific it can be! But at the same time you can't let it make you give up of relationships forever. Just remember my friend of 24 years, there are honestly more decent people out there than not, sometimes you do have to open yourself up a bit, and possibly get a little hurt, but it WILL be worth it when you are surrounded by only good people that love you. 

That I can promise!!

Keep me updated ok? I'll be thinking of you.

Donna xx