PTSD, Anxiety and OCD

Guest_5218 · ‎21-11-2015

I have recently been directed to his site by my psychologist. No doubt my story is old and tired, and experienced by many others here. But I will tell you my story anyway. I was raped almost 20 years go now. It was by someone I knew and trusted and it occurred in my own home. I was physically injured, concussed, ashamed, afraid, embarrassed - all the usual things. I never reported it to the authorities and never spoke to anyone about it. I had never been a particularly social person, but afterwards I isolated myself completely other than for work. After 18 years of almost constant battles with anxiety, flashbacks, nightmares, triggers, etc, I finally sought help from a psychologist. Initially it was for pain management as I suffered a severe back injury about 2 years after the rape. So after almost 2 years of occasional appointments I finally told her during a particularly difficult time (anniversary) what had happened all those years ago. I have now been diagnosed with PTSD. On her advice I have undergone a series of Exposure Therapy and CBT this year. This has helped to some degree. But I am still getting nightmares, anxiety symptoms, etc. This has probably been made worse recently as it has been a really lousy second half of the year for me. My little 11yo niece was killed in a car accident, I was retrenched from my job when the business was sold, and I found out that my husband was cheating on my again. So I guess none of that has helped. Anyway my psychologist wants to try EMDR treatment next year after things settle down a bit. But in the meantime she wants me to talk to people about what happened, as it is an important part of the recovery process she says. However that is really hard as I do not have any friends (my hubby is a narsissist according to my psychologist). I have become quite isolated other than for my part-time work, which I now no longer have. I do some volunteer work in the aged care industry, which I enjoy. But I just do not have any friends I am able to talk to. My family live a long way away, and I could never tell them anyway. Hence this option to try an online forum. I look forward to responses from other people who have had similar experiences to myself. I am more of a listener than a talker as complete strangers often approach me to tell me their problems. But I am unable to reciprocate. Although I am not able to talk about the rape, I can now write about it, & that's progress! I hope........

BKYTH · ‎21-11-2015

A narcissistic husband who cheats on you. That's a real asset to have in your life. I received my share of sexual abuse at the hands of the clergy and later in jail and have never really had the opportunity to discuss it with anyone. Family are not really the best people to raise such an issue with and mentioning this to friends can be awkward - It seems sad to me that often the closest people we have in our lives are not the people we can discuss such frank issues as you have described with. I'm not sure why your psychologist feels you should talk to others about what happened because that involves reliving past events. After all this occurred almost 20yrs ago and it is not that event that is now the problem but the fact that your present state of mind is still being affected by it is and I don't see there can be any value in just revisiting the past. Nothing can undo what has occurred in the past for any of us and we need to be able to let those things go and move forward rather than to burden ourselves with continually referring back to them. As you have discovered life presents us with difficulties all the time and in being able to deal with them and leave them behind that allows for us to grow and continue to find joy in life. Like you I too am a listener and am often approached by people who wish to discuss their problems. But I don't listen to avoid discussing any of my own issues but rather I do so to remind myself that all people have problems and find it hard to know who to talk about them with. One of the most difficult things in life is to be heard. To be able to tell your story. I have never been able to and I will not deny another person the opportunity to tell theirs if they should choose to do so with me - Sadly the world is full of talkers and we are losing the ability to listen. I don't offer advise when people are talking, in fact, I do nothing to interrupt the flow of their words. The longer I remain silent but attentive the deeper and richer will their story be as it unfolds. When I listen that's all I do. Good advise is everywhere but a golden silence upon which a person is able to paint a portrait of their lives upon is very rare. In the end all stories are our own and reflect our common humanity and the traumas that can beset us all. Philip.

geoff · ‎21-11-2015

dear Sherie, I am absolutely so sorry for this long ordeal that you have been suffering from for such a long time and this terrible action that was forced upon you.

I can only talk to you because I haven't been through what you have been dragged through, but I understand your anxiety, PTSD and OCD.

I am so pleased that your psychologist has directed you to this site, and how comforting that is to all of us.

I am just so sorry about your young niece being in the car at maybe the wrong time, but probably more so that your husband has cheated on you, so your lack of trust with him has now gone, and this will not be of any help towards helping you, especially when he is narsissist.

This awful person who committed this vile act should be reported to the police, no matter how long ago it was, and if it was a person who was connected to the family or a family member it doesn't matter, but I realise that this maybe difficult for you to decide on doing and that's why you are afraid of telling your family.

Any forceful sexual act that has been forced onto a female is wrong, and it's something which I totally detest, hate.

You don't have to necessarily talk about the rape,because we don't have know anything about that, but what it has created now and how you feel.

You know talking to elderly folk can be quite good, because they are very compassionate and understanding, you can cry to them without feeling guilty, just as the many people who read your post, so I would love to hear back from you. Geoff. x

Guest_5218 · ‎21-11-2015

Thankyou for your response Geoff. And I am really sorry to hear of the abuse you have suffered in the past. I cannot imagine what you have gone through. You are right also in that close friends and family are probably the hardest to talk to about such personal and traumatic experiences.

I think my psych wants me to talk about what happened, so that I am able to deal with it and then to eventually let go of it. So that when the intrusive thoughts come into my head that they do not have as much affect on me as what they have done up to now. Sort of like if you cant accept the past you are unable to move on? But it is really really hard to do. I guess having bottled it up for nearly 20 years, it is an established habit. It took a long time before I was able to disclose to my psych what had happened. And I am still not able to talk about any aspect of it to her without dissolving into tears and having the usual physical symptoms of "fight or flight".

Yes it is hard being married to a narcissist, and it is a real juggle at times. But he is basically a good man, and it isnt his fault he is the way he is. He has cheated on me before, but he swore it wouldnt happen again. But of course it has. He just cant help himself. Anyway I guess I havent been entirely honest with him, as I have never told him the full story of what happened to me before we were married. I only ever told him that I had been assaulted after I freaked out one day after experiencing a flashback. And we have never discussed it since. The only time it is ever mentioned is when he gets really angry with me and then he uses it against me. He is mentally abusive, but thankfully not physically. He suffers from PTSD himself having been Navy for 20 years and serving in Vietnam. I havent told him that I have been diagnosed with PTSD, because as far as he's concerned it is only suffered by military people.

And yes, like you I am happy to continue to listen to anyone who approaches me with their problems. Listening is easy. But I do find that it can also be a burden. I tend not to offer advise, even if asked for it, as I am not qualified to do so. I think I need to learn to draw the line sometimes especially when I am personally feeling really low myself.

Anyway thankyou Philip ...

Guest_5218 · ‎21-11-2015

Hello Geoff. Thanks so much for your reply to my post. It is reassuring that people actually seem to care. I note on your photo that you have a little dog. Great mates arent they? I too have a little dog, a little mini-foxie cross. Such a lovable little girl. I dont know what I would do without her!

The 'person' who commited the rape was not a family member or friend. So thats not why I never told my family. I actually didnt tell them because firstly I didnt want them to worry about me, and secondly I didnt want them to see me any differently than they did before. And I think 20 years ago it was much harder to report rape than what it is now.

He was actually a former boyfriend (my first lover) who I had spent 2 years with before splitting up 3 years prior because of child custody issues with his former wife. He just turned up unexpected one evening after not having seen or heard from him in 3 years. And to cut a long story short he wouldnt accept no for an answer and became physically abusive. It escalated from there to what was a fairly brutal sexual attack. I have never seen or heard from him since that evening, and thats the way I want it to remain.

I now live a very long way from where I know he continues to live. Nonetheless I do still imagine I see him sometimes (in a car alongside at a traffic light, or in the isle of a supermarket, etc) usually during otherwise stressful times, and it always stirs up the nightmares again. So its really hard ........

So no, I will never report the rape to the authorities. I really just want to forget it ever happened, but for some reason I havent been able to do so.

How do I feel now? I no longer trust my own judgement, where I used to always see the good in people now I am looking for the bad in them, I have become very socially isolated, I am always tired and cant sleep, I suffer from anxiety all the time sometimes quite severe, I have moved house several times in an effort to 'escape', I married someone I may not otherwise have done in an effort to have someone to feel safe with, I never used to drink but I now use alcohol as a 'crutch'. So yeah, I have made some bad decisions since that day, which I would not have made if I were in my right state of mind.

I visit an old lady every week in a Nursing Home. Lovely old lady, an ex nurse, but she suffers from dementia and forgets things very quickly. So she would be ideal to talk to as I could practice each week!

Thanks Geoff. xx

BKYTH · ‎21-11-2015

Why do you no longer trust your judgement? All you did was answer the door. You could not have known what the consequence of doing that would be. Everyone's judgement is fallible and all of us can recognize with hindsight times when we judged a person or situation incorrectly. To fully understand another person we need to acknowledge the admiral qualities they exhibit as well as those less admirable. In other words we have to see the whole person as we all have good and bad characteristics in our nature. In socially isolating yourself from others you may feel some sense of security but it comes at a huge price. Loneliness. The 'bad decisions' you said you have made are not bad at all but attempts to deal with feelings that were overwhelming. As you have found out those decisions cannot have a productive outcome because we cannot run away from what is inside us. If you move to a new house then when you arrive there so does your anxiety and fears. You have done what many of us have done and failed. Your actions were not 'bad' but rather ineffectual. Don't be to hard on yourself as you are trying, as best you can, to gain some relief from what you are experiencing. Sexual assault is not only an assault on your body but on your identity and all that that entails. The sense of powerlessness that one can experience during such an assault does profound and lasting damage to our psyche. So the question is how does one deal with it and move on. You are right in saying you must accept the past. Since it is unalterable it is the only option. But you can accept your past and still carry the trauma from some event or events that occurred in it none the less. What we must do I think is to address the problems that some event from our past instilled in us and is still an ongoing issue for us in the present. Any problem we have can only exist in the present. In my case it is not the sexual abuse I was exposed to as a child and later as a teenager in jail that is the reason why I am a 62yo virgin who is utterly incapable of any form of intimacy. Those are merely facts from my personal history. My sexuality was destroyed before I old enough to know what sex was. When I was older and sexual feelings emerged they were grotesque and remain so. It is the damage that was done that is the problem and not its cause. If I had been able to get the necessary help to resurrect something from the ashes of my stolen innocence then perhaps my life would have been different. Your difficulties exist here and now and that is where they have to be addressed. Philip.

Guest_5218 · ‎21-11-2015

Hello again Philip. Firstly I dont trust my own judgement because I trusted this guy! And I was obviously wrong to do so. So if I can be wrong about someone I thought I knew really well, then I am definitely likely to be wrong about others. And yes, it was a case of answering the door to someone I thought I knew and trusted, never ever believing that something like that would happen. Again I was wrong. Hence my justified belief that my judgement is awry. And yes, I am lonely. Have been for a long time. Thats the price you pay for feeling safe I guess.

I am really sorry that you have suffered as you have. You have missed out on such a lot in life. Is it too late to (in your own words) resurrect something from the ashes of your stolen innocence? Dont give up hope. Admittedly sexuality became more of a chore to me after the rape than the pleasure it was before. But I have managed to lead an almost normal (occasional flashback aside) sexual life. There will always be difficulties though.

Sherie xx

BKYTH · ‎21-11-2015

All of us have trusted people who have then betrayed us. None of us can be certain about how we judge people. I have misjudged people in the past and no doubt will do so again in the future but most of the time my estimations of a person are correct. The fact that you can be wrong does not mean that all your judgements are wrong. I could justify having no faith in my ability to judge others by past failures. The price of being right most of the time is to be wrong some of the time. Does your imposed loneliness really make you feel safe? I don't get the impression from your posts that that is the case. Please don't hide from the world you deserve and are worthy of so much more than that. You need help and support to heal the wounds that were brutally imposed upon you. Don't settle for the crude scar tissue of a cloistered and solitary existence plagued by uncertainty and fear. Don't sustain an illusion of safety by condemning yourself to a lonely existence. You can be more than just the product of your suffering, of your past, of lives injustice Philip.

Guest_5218 · ‎21-11-2015

Very true Philip. You're right of course, my self imposed loneliness has not really made me feel safe at all. Not able to change that though. I thought 17 years ago that a strong and protective husband was what I needed. But what I then saw as strength and a protective nature instead turned out to be a narcissistic character. That hasnt helped at all, and in fact has made life more difficult. Just one of my bad decisions of the past. Now I have to live with that the best way I can. Sherie. x