Post infidelity PTSD & the abuse from the outbursts

[Angelinawan]

I was unfaithful when I was manic (It was a one off episode, not a bipolar diagnosis) I was really horrible & left the marriage. When The episode ended I was horrified & didn’t know what had happened until a psychiatrist explained it. My husband was determined to work on us & we have had an awful time over the last 18months. He has PTSD & CPTSD & now he has been traumatised by what I did. There’s been so many nights awake with him demanding answers and screaming at me and saying awful things about me, telling me to leave because he thinks I am going to leave him anyway. He says sorry afterwards but I feel everything he says. It’s all real and he says at the time that it’s final…this has happened dozens of times so I try to work out what I need to do to leave & what to do with the kids. Then he calms down & changes back to wanting to be together. Yesterday’s was so bad I haven’t recovered & had nightmares. I don’t know what to do. I don’t trust my judgement after the manic episode as everything felt so genuine in it but I wasn’t thinking straight, and I know he has PTSD & this is a reault of my actions but he is triggered so badly so frequently & yesterday it was so obvious he hasn’t recovered. I am burning out, I am traumatised by his behaviour, I am in survival mode & I don’t know what I should do.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Angelinawan,

We’re sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way and going through such a difficult time with your partner. We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you.

It sounds like you could do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here (11am-midnight AEDT).

It must be really difficult not feeling like you can trust your judgment, and we can understand how confusing all of these events must’ve been to both of you, however, it’s important to remember that you are deserving of respect. If you’re ever at all concerned about how your partner’s behaviour is affecting you, you should reach out to 1800 Respect on 1800 737 732. They’re kind, understanding and non-judgmental, and can talk things through with you any time, either on the phone or in their online chat.

We hope our warm and kind community will spot your post and offer their support soon, but in the meantime here’s some pages you might like to have a look at:

• Looking after yourself, while supporting a loved one
• Supporting a survivor of trauma on the Blue Knot site
• Relationship’s australia’s page on dealing with anger in relationships

It is wonderful that you have been able to reach out for support here on the forums, it must have been difficult to write this post but you never know who might read it and feel less alone in their own experience. Please keep sharing whenever you feel comfortable to do so.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Angelinawan

A very warm welcome to the forum and thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It sounds like you have been hurting for awhile now: carrying guilt but also not understanding exactly your own motives and possibly fearing the uncertain future.
Sophie has given you some excellent points of contact. I was thinking about a genuine and calm talk between the two of you but not sure, if this can be managed without a counsellor or a third party that would be ensuring the emotions don’t fly too high. It must feel horrible for you to listen to your husband’s yelling when you try to explain or make a sense for the sake of both of you. How would you feel about seeing a counsellor as a couple?

Please remember to take care of yourself there.

[Angelinawan]

Thanks for your reply. We have many calm conversations but when he is triggered none of that has had any effect. It’s like none of the work & understanding & talking had any impact. We have tried counselling but it made our progress degenerate because the therapists were not very effective.

[therising]

Hi Angelinawan

I feel for you so much as you live with such incredible stress and the sensation of walking on eggshells. It's a truly horrible state to be in, wreaking havoc on your self-esteem, imagination and nervous system.

I'm wondering if anyone's ever led you to make sense of the affair, why it happened. If you can't make sense of it, then I don't believe it's possible to help your husband make sense of it. I suppose you could say it just appears senseless.

I'm a big believer when it comes to us having many different aspects to who we are. Sometimes, parts of us will kind of 'wake up' without us realising. I know I sound a little insane but there are times where I'll be basically left to wonder 'Okay, which part of me is at play now, which part of me am I 'channeling', in a way?'. Is it 'the lazy Netflix watcher' or 'the highly energetic' sense of self or perhaps 'the emotional eater'? When it comes to parts of our self that suddenly 'wake up'...I'm typically a passive easygoing sort of gal but if someone was to threaten one of my kids, the part of me that would wake up would be 'the lioness' or 'the incredibly fearless super bi*ch' who would literally fight someone to the death if circumstances were life threatening. This leads me to wonder what part of you maybe 'woke up', which led to the affair

Could it have been the part of you that was longing for far more excitement, the part that wanted to experience high levels of chemistry through sex, the part that just couldn't suppress such wonder, wondering what it would be like? Was the marriage not strong enough to ground you out of wondering? Was there just not enough energy in the marriage to fuel or satisfy your energy levels at the time? No need to answer, just leading you to wonder.

I've found, there can be a constructive sense of wonder and imagination and a destructive sense of wonder and imagination. Not a lot of people talk about the intensity and significance of wonder and imagination. They're aspects of us that can either drive us or destroy us in a number of ways. Sounds a little strange perhaps but I find if I'm not careful with how I'm managing that channel or those channels (wonder and imagination), they can get out of control. Managing how to open them and close them remains important. When a channel of wonder opens it can be incredibly energising, leading us to do things we wouldn't normally do. When it suddenly closes, we can be left thinking 'What the hell have I just done?!'

[Angelinawan]

I have done a LOT of exploration of that. It didn’t stack up. That’s how I found out it was a manic episode. I was brutal and thoughtless and selfish and acting without regard for consequences and that’s not within my true self. A manic episode is not an insight. It’s was a horrible thing to process afterwards and I can’t apologise enough for how I was.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Angelinawan,

I understand you feel guilty here but it seems to me that you might be a bit too harsh on yourself. It takes courage to admit to a partner that you'd been unfaithful to him. A lot. It takes courage to run the self-critique, to try to establish the reasons and then take the blame for the consequences. I sort of feel like you've done a lot from your end. You have done all of the above, apologised profusely, been trying to explain and repair the situation. It'd help if your husband could appreciate this. I'm not trying to take sides and diminish your husband's feelings. I know, he'd been badly hurt but you're really trying hard here and this should not go unnoticed.