Overwhelmed

[BB2]

I am not one to seek help, preferring to work through my own issues, but lately things have been a little overwhelming and those I work with suggested I speak to someone. I thought this might be a start at expressing how I feel. I'll begin with a little background information.

I do not have a diagnosed mental disorder, although those who know me well will say that I am a tad OCD. By and large I have always been a happy person. I have a rather full plate when it comes to family and work dealing with everything from behaviour disorders to cancer, but so far I have been able to juggle my complex life and relationships. I work full-time, very long hours, and most week-ends. Suffice to say I am often tired!

I retrained late in life to enter the field of education and it pretty much dictates my life - work and home, home and work. At work I am well respected and most importantly I enjoy what I do. In fact I was having a really good year until a new student was added to the mix. Without going into detail, this student engages in violent behaviour. In my profession it is not uncommon to be physically and verbally abused. Over the years I have grown a very thick skin, however, this situation has caused me more than a little angst.

I have felt fear for myself and others. I have felt frustrated, sad, worried, and helpless. I know that I have done everything humanly possible to maintain control but I still feel a sense of inadequacy. I cry without reason, and am finding it hard to concentrate. The other day somebody touched my should in passing and I burst into tears. I kept apologising for crying and started to shake uncontrollably. It was very embarrassing. I hated how it made me feel. I'm always the shoulder, never the tears.

I understand what I have experienced is bound to have an impact. I'm not that naive, but the gravity I think is what has rocked me to my core. Although the student has been removed, I still feel emotionally and physically drained. I worry this feeling is more than just stress, and that it may not subside.

[Quercus]

Hi BB2 and welcome to the forums.

This is a safe place to begin to speak with others about how you're feeling, I'm glad you decided to give it a go. We're not professionals but sometimes it helps just to have somewhere you can try out speak openly and build confidence, anonymity can be a blessing especially if you're feeling afraid.

As someone with a teacher as a parent who taught in some very difficult places, I admire your profession a huge deal. It isn't an easy job in the slightest. When you mentioned having a thick skin for stressful situations it reminded me so strongly of my Mum. I laugh when people say teaching must be easy with all the holidays. There are so many awful situations teachers cope with that most people seem to have no understanding of.

So when you mentioned someone touching you and it setting off tears which is unlike you that was a huge worry to me. It sounds like you're testing out how it feels to ask for support on these forums (correct me if I have that wrong please) but I keep thinking if it was my Mum responding like that to a touch I'd be nagging her to seek professional support as well as writing here. Is that something you have considered?

It's absolutely ok if you aren't ready or don't wish to. I'm a bit biased and perhaps being pushy.

Another thing that stood out reading your post was how you spoke about feeling tired and drained. When I'm exhausted as well as anxious it becomes incredibly difficult to cope. Sometimes I think we can push ourselves to perform when really our body and mind need a break to recover. Have you considered whether taking leave might be helpful for you?

I hope you decide to return and write again.

Nat

[_bethy94]

Hi BB2,

Sorry to hear of what's currently troubling you. It definitely sounds as though you have some ongoing stress associated with what you've experienced in the classroom. Going off what you've said about not being one to seek help and always being the shoulder, in those times with the violent student, did you keep it all in and not vent to anyone, like family or colleagues? I know you didn't cry, but not even an 'angry' vent? I'm the type who is really proud and not one to ask for help either so often I internalise, hence my question.

IF you did internalise, I would say its the repressed emotion bubbling to the surface by way of the crying spell you experienced when someone touched your shoulder. Built up emotion manifests and presents itself in the most random of times if it isn't released. That could explain the angst you're now feeling, more than likely it's just emotion wanting to escape from you as naturally we as humans need to release it.

Professional help is a daunting move to make when you've never experienced it before, being a proud person as I mentioned I completely get it if that's what is holding you back from taking the plunge and seeing someone. But if your feelings of sorrow don't seem to shake, I would say it's time to make a move for the sake of your wellbeing. Life is too short to spend unhappy, in your own time, it might be an idea to come around to. Speak to your GP and go from there.

Sending you well wishes.