new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Waving at YOU too Blue!! 

Sending LOVE and peace and calm always. 

Yeah I'm in a higher zone 100%. 
SO GRATEFUL for this too! 

Heading into the self-care zone of my night but I've been in that all weekend!
Being in this zone has the FEELING of always watching out for myself, got a little murky last night with T wanting to draw me into her "all things" ranting. 
Felt like I was covered in mud on the drive home but flicked it off hunk by hunk. 

ALL GOOD. 

Making a PLAN with R today was so uplifting! 
Over 50y of friendship, we've never had a crossed word with each other.... but going into a work in progress, I AM SURE we'll each be tested lol and come out even BETTER. 
I must mention this to her... at the moment she's deep into Brene and Dr Joe lol! 

We'll have our "magic sentences" ready lol. 

Sending love and Prayers to you all Blue
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: Reaching out when WE are uncomfortable. (Probably the definition of privilege). 

I'm going to chuck a Brene out there AGAIN lol. 
LOVE how REAL she is! 

She spoke about fear and how everyone's just SCARED. 
So when there's a confronting sitch we see, why do people turn away? She says because we're scared. 

Ok. 
How about empathy? 
How about better than that, LOVE? 
Maybe being a little COURAGEOUS. 

I read Grandy's post then JUMPED into the abyss and called my friend who lost her H. 
I left a voicemail and I could hear in my own voice that I was beginning to cry. I know she would've heard this, instead of being afraid she'd hear this, I kept the message going. I was brave. 
BECAUSE what she is going through after 35+y of marriage and 3 children, requires FAR more bravery than I ever have to muster to make a call and be AUTHENTIC. 

4 funerals in the past year is when I've seen her. 

Time to heal for us all. These losses have weighed heavily on all these people. We must "do lunch", that's what they do! 
It's gonna be interesting because so many of the wider circle of friends have had separations, divorces, broken friendships, losses, so many losses through death. I have too come to think of it.
We had Covid & funerals instead of "lunch". Wow.  

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: getting higher and moving forward with bliss! 

The synchronicity continues. Yay! 

I am SO grateful I've listened to hours of Abraham & Dr Joe's podcasts! 
When I felt a bit "umm?" at work today, it took less than 5 seconds to get back UP there. 

"things are ALWAYS working out for me, when you get into the receptive mode, it's possible that many many things you care about come into play at the very same time".. 

happens all day long. 

Alexa and I got our 2nd 10 min talk in a few weeks in today. 
WOW. She explained the delay in the App developers caused a 3 week delay for submitting her Thesis which means she missed out on applying for her next Degree (seriously I was thinking WHAT? a NOTHER degree?)

Get out of your own way EM, take the path of least resistance. Indeed another Degree, why am I surprised. I guess she looked at her mum and thought if SHE could do it, I can too. 
This will be her 3rd BUT I expect she'll be a Professor, simply because she LOVES engaging in Study. 

SO we both realised NEXT YEAR she and I are going full throttle into developing MY IDEA! 
She already has a friend to develop the website. Alexa's partner will manage most other tech stuff. 
While I was on the phone, she was researching my idea lol. 

I had another idea about it this morning.... omg, STILL Things are rolling out in front of me. 
THIS makes the whole thing "Universal" as Alexa put it. 
Meaning we can sell it Internationally!! 

"I just have to relax and allow the path of least resistance to move it along" .. 
"I can help things work out for me by letting go of the things that bother me"
"The MORE I'm AWARE that things are working out for me, the more that things ARE working out for me lol"
"I'm in the RIGHT place at the RIGHT time for things to be working out for me"
"I like it when I am CONSCIOUS of the fact that things are always working out for me"

This is an Abraham "Rampage" on YT and it's delightful! 

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Rising above....

A good title lol. 
There are exchanges and happenings so often that may have put me off kilter a while ago. 
Now I'm seeing these moments as challenges. 

I know that my thoughts dictate my actions. I'm putting my energy into what I want to ATTRACT into my life, including MODELLING to my children. 

It was around 2 weeks ago I began Meditating in all its forms. 
~ Guided Meditations
~ Positive Affirmation Meditations
~ Silent Meditations
~ Meditating while I'm active - going about my day. 

My focus is also to RISE ABOVE what's happening in front of me lol. THIS has been FUN! Hahaha. 
Weird atm but I'm doing well with it. 

Saturday night was a great example of me rising above the conversation. The thing I noticed besides the fury etc coming out of my friend of over 50y, was the weasel look she gave me as I showed JOY! Happiness! She'd asked me about my kids so I updated her, weasel look lol. 
OH well. 

My BEST service I can do for her and the world is to be ME. SHOW the JOY! Be happy. Spread love. 

So 5 of those occasions occurred today. I did well. First one - comforted the person who was abused in front of me. I felt the LEAST amount of reactivity than I have for a LONG while. I'm healing. I'm so grateful. 

Then the next 2 happened and it's like "Yah I'm good at this", dispelled the negativity, redirected the conversation. 
The last 2? 
Dispelled almost instantly. 

I came home. 3 of my boys were totally emptying out their bedrooms! Lol! I don't harp on my darling children. I never do. 
I LEAD BY EXAMPLE. 
I offer support, so I helped for a while, then had a nap lol. 

Then helped more and it was WONDERFUL. 

Together we made a plan. Each child OFFERED to do specific chores and were excited about it lol. 

Excitement is contagious. 

It was SO LOVELY that Yvette said "Mum I can sense a CHANGE in you, like you're CLEAR now. What's going on?" she's using the same things I am, not as often but the seed is growing. 

We're in CREATION mode still but this Creation Journey is with INTENTION. 

Love to all 
EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

It's funny how much a change in perspective can alter your experience of life, isn't it? Seems like you've had some real leaps and bounds recently, and that just by living as you need to live you are influencing those around you for the better. I can't say I'm surprised, if anyone's gonna do that, it's you!

I'm really chuffed and a little amused to see you've been meditating for two weeks. I've had periods of meditating, and they have been very helpful, at least when I'm struggling (oddly, kinda the opposite when I'm not, but that's another story). Ages ago my psych suggested trying Insight Timer, an app for meditation and adjacent relaxation techniques. I was using other apps and things for meditating at the time and forgot about it, but since my fave mindfulness teacher started using Insight Timer I thought I'd give it a go... two weeks ago! We've been meditating together. XD

Now what's this about your boys.... minimising? Hehe, great! And Yvette trying out some meditation and stuff - brilliant.

I've been having some revelations today I really wanted to tell you about. I've written a bit on my thread, but before I got to the more important part of what I was trying to say the powers that be decided I was being too verbose and silenced me. I'll have to pick back up on that later, I guess. In some ways its stuff that sounds kind of obvious, but I'm getting context for an otherwise obvious thing and a perspective that could potentially be very helpful for my mental health. Recognising patterns, determining causes, that sort of thing. A starting point for positive change. One hopes.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Dear BLUE, I am SO UPLIFTED by what you wrote! PRAISE YOU for knowing the rumblings of your inner being guiding you and leading you to peaceful, beautiful spaces. 

You are worthy. 
You are loved! 

I KNOW that once we speak of the things that we NEED to speak of....
Once we get all that OUT and tend to those emotions and feelings in our body....

Once we say "enough". We can SEE the space between our SELF and our thoughts. 
Then we CREATE. 

You have always been and WILL always be a never ending fountain of creativity Blue. 
Creating our NOW is exciting. 
Our NOW is our future. 

I'm so happy, 
love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Thank you. There are always rumblings, and I try to listen. Sometimes it takes me a while to understand what they are trying to tell me, but I'm listening and looking for ways to decode them.

You said: "I KNOW that once we speak of the things that we NEED to speak of....
Once we get all that OUT and tend to those emotions and feelings in our body..."

Just yes. On this matter I have had my voice removed and it is not sitting well. I have had to take my words to my blog as I can't share everything here. There is so much ground to cover and so much I have been learning and need to speak about.

There are few things I love more than creating. I think with your outside-the-square projects at work, I'm not the only one. I can only imagine where you're headed with this business idea you have had. Good places, I think.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hahaha me too! Lol. Ahh a shame really, you know what I mean. 

Yes once we speak of things of the past and get to SOME point of resolution about it, even if it's IDK but I'm done anyway lol. 
Then we have the SPACE to create our new BLUE! 

Blue I've been working on these things for over 40y with huge periods of dealing with the yucks, so I stagnated and went downhill so many times. 

Having this TIME to work on myself, albeit in the busy-ness of life as it is... I'm at the beginning of this level. 
Ready to springboard OFF into the next unknown. I'm so excited about it lol. Not even a fearful moment! 

It's like the MORE I work on these things ie Meditation, information, reading my books, skills, all sorts, then the more I can feel the calling for greater things. 

TODAY I feel lighter than ever! 
I even DID visualise blessing demon with LOVE in aide of my forgiveness journey. 
But I am pretty certain I'm there with them now.
I started a Forgiveness thread which I'm not telling you to visit lol. Just that I felt SOME burden I was holding onto and NEEDED to be rid of. 

Sure I'm still and will always be NC 1000000% lol. 
It was the gurgling inside of me that needed to be shed. 

EVEN the hexagonal lights I spoke to the kids about that I wanted downstairs.. they're super modern... well I didn't order them or even TELL P.son about them at all. 
They arrived yesterday! P.son had ordered them 2 weeks ago lol. They change colour with his something or other pod of technology and from his phone lol. 
They turn ON and OFF when you touch them! How delightful that we are in alignment with each other even before we know it lol. 

SO funny, 
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: things are ALWAYS working out for me. 

I'm living in amazement about having situations presented to me that allow me to reflect "what is this showing about me?" 

"triggers" that were at a score of 1000 are down to less than 1 now. SO light that I only feel a tingling in my fingers and or forearms. 

That signals to me to ask "what is this situation showing me about myself?"

NOTICING how things are working out for me is REALLY beneficial! 

On all levels from the most important ones first lol psychologically, physically, relationally, TIME wise which is a new addition lol, FINANCIAL which is another new addition but only to my THOUGHTS.... 

things were always working out for me, perhaps it was that I didn't NOTICE it before, as much. 

It's funny because I'm aware of previous experiences that showed the same. 
DANCING, I did this in many forms for decades - still do lol.
Some ppl showed admiration for my dancing on stage, some joined UP yay! Then left way before I did. Some were nasty saying things like "who does she think she is" and "oh she's SO full of herself" hahaha. 

I literally didn't care what ANY BODY thought. I simply didn't care! 
BECAUSE the JOY I felt when dancing, the PURE BLISS! It was euphoric being able to sweat, do repetitive movements, learn my dances, dressup in fancy tutus lol perform, go on POINTE! 
The control I had over my body, the focus of my mind in these times... 

it's probably like NOW. 

And to those who thought or even think now "she's too full of herself" lol wow! That's FANTASTIC feedback! 

I WANT TO BE SO FULL OF MYSELF that I overflow out to everyone around me! 

Flip that "glass half full" imagery lol.... my cup is OVERFLOWING. And so it is! 

It IS like this now lol, so I'm seeing people around me behaving very differently. LOL. 
Some approach me with admiration, gently and even a bit sheepishly. I am HAPPY to help! They are OPEN and willing to TRY things, that's AWESOME! 
Some are more live and let live lol. 
Others are putridly vitriolic and I can't do anything but laugh. 

Gotta go! 
Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

It's not just speaking of the past, but making sense of the present, using that knowledge to project a better future, all that stuff. I have so much bubbling around in my head. I'm in a revolting space at the moment where no-one wants to listen to my ASD insights except you, but there are significant limits to how much I can say here. I invite you to look at my blog should you want to know more. I feel such a compulsion to share my insights and honestly, I'd kinda like some validation, too. I've got lightbulbs turning on everywhere and I'm excited to be armed with this knowledge and what it means for understanding myself and making accommodations for myself when I'm struggling. I am making important progress.

Life is always going to be busy and there will always be obligations on our shoulders. There is still room to learn and explore and grow. To my mind the single most important thing I've done for that is prune away bad relationships. Having a place to be safe when I'm not okay has been paramount in beginning to heal from past traumas and to diving deeper into who I am and why. That work can't be done when you're always in survival mode and never feeling safe. Though others have fought against it, you and I have created safe spaces for ourselves.

Wow, that's some serious progress, seeing demon with forgiveness. Sure, also knowing NC is super necessary, but still. I can't yet imagine being in that place with those who have wronged me, too much anger remains. (Hm, anger rumination - huge thing with ASD, and I sure have trouble with that.)

Very cool about the hexagonal lights, they sound fun.

Kind thoughts to you and your generous soul,

Blue.