new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi EM (with a wave to RX),

Brief one tonight, it's late and I'm tired, LM had a bad mental health day, which kinda took me along for the ride. I tried to help, I succeeded a bit, but it was mostly a hard slog for both of us all day. 

Sounds like quite the undertaking to do up the downstairs area of the house. Glad you have an arrangement with the boys to make it work. 

Urgh, it's dismaying to hear that 50% of orders being correct is an improvement. What a mess. I haven't taken records quite so meticulously, but I do know I rarely used to consider myself so poorly nourished after a meal that it was worth chasing up a refund. Now it's happening very regularly. Pretty over it.

Bed time now, got my little reading lamp out. It's no candle, but it'll have to do for now. 

Blue. 

[ecomama]

Dear Blue, life must be very exhausting on all levels right now. 

Having difficult MH days must be par for the course atm but that doesn't make it any more manageable! 

It's like you each have your own thoughts to deal with and then the shared path ones together. Double whammies on every corner. 

Are you able to get any peaceful sleeping in?

I heard a song on the radio this morning at around 6am in the car, kids driving themselves back and forth to work.... it went something like "I'm exhausted but probably won't sleep tonight". 

Indeed the nutritional value of take away is questionable at best. 
Fills the tummy when we need it, so I'll take that some nights. Especially when it's free!

Yep the boys wanted a take away brekky before work this morning and alas the L driver in our car drove off BEFORE we checked the order.... one thing missing! 
Back, lining up in the drive thru. Eventually he decided to back out and park to go inside the restaurant and retrieve the missing item. 

Sighhhh seems like a strategy to me! 

Hope you can get some rest today. It's raining here this morning, nice weather for bed! 

Love always
EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: things boiling over at work. 

The Witches are stirring the cauldron again. 

VERY rough few weeks with major intervention to support clients & YES I'll be the first one to put my hand up to say IT'S BEEN TOUGH. 

BUT.. I had a very thorough understanding of what I had to do to MAINTAIN my own mental health, turn up to work with a cheery outlook & pleasant demeanour to SUPPORT the clients & the many staff coming to me falling apart. 
YES I DID. 

I could tangibly FEEL the resentment of my bosses growing that I was all cheery & they were crumbling. 
Man, do I have GOOD PRACTICE at maintaining my MENTAL HEALTH. 
Because THEY were crumbling it's also my job to take over, help them, which I did of course. 
It's ALL for the clients. 

So now wow, the split has hit the fan. 
Got a toxic email yesterday calling a MEETING over what I've been doing for MY OWN job. 
Well since I've been doing most of everyone else's jobs all year as our Department TOLD me to do, that's what I've been doing. 

I've even had multitudes of THANKS for supporting this way, the way I was directed to & in the ways I was ASKED to. 
I did NOT need thanks. 
It's my freaking job. 

Do they see this? 
Nup. 

If I say NO to these requests, THEN I could get in huge trouble. Other people said NO all year! 

Our Union Rep is totally stressed out and doesn't work on Mondays. 
My Meeting is on midday Tuesday. 

Now I have to draw up fruitless reports for the bosses who can't read my other reports! 
Which I'll do then point out they need more training (lol). 

So I'll be up at 5am Mon morning. Feed chickens lol. Work asap. Stay late Mon. Organising lifts for kids Tues. 
Prob at work 6am Tues too. 

Bring it on lol, they really shouldn't mistake my kindness for weakness. 

EM

[ecomama]

Update 2: on the Witches (lol have to laugh really), 

My Meeting strategy. BE PREPARED. Walk in with all the spreadsheets their ignorant heads asked for. 

Save paper of course! Eww we better not waste paper printing stupid reports ABOUT reports I've already written. Grrr.
Back to back printing to save paper lol. 

Hand out reports. They probably can't read these either (WT??) but list every person's issue with my work. Ask them to take turns and not talk over each other (like rabid dogs some times). 

I write LIST with person's name. 
I record entire meeting. 

BF said if I know I'm going to get upset (because the betrayal trigger has been switched ON and I know it), then I should cancel the meeting and call one with the Union Rep present. 

No. 
I am courageous. 

I can't call the Union Rep with little to no evidence. 
I gather evidence with my list. 

THEN if I feel myself getting upset, I will stop them and say "Thankyou for your feedback, I think we have enough to work on, I'm going back to my job now and next time we meet over this I'll have my Union Rep present". 
Then leave. 

Where did I read a T-shirt Meme that read "I aim to be on the devil's Top Ten list"? 

Do I really look that good that people want to try to destroy me? hahahaha. How ridiculous! 

It's definitely happening. 
They're trying, all over again. 

Wow. Better get working. Challenge on. 

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Yeah, everything is exhausting. We both have our bad MH days, and they sure do add an extra layer of crap to an already lousy situation.

Sleep has been good and bad. I always take ages to get to sleep, but once I'm there, I sleep like a log. The bigger problem is disruptions - LM needing me, phone calls, needing the loo, etc. - that often sets me back to step 1, taking ages to get to sleep. ADHD brain doesn't do quiet, so it needs channelling (in my case reading - assuming the book is sufficiently engaging, too bad if it's not) for long enough to let sleep kick in. Usually an hour minimum. Frustrating.

Some take-away is pretty good, noodle dishes with veg & tofu or Indian curries. Just rolling my eyes at the kerfuffle you guys had with your order. Sadly pretty standard.

Ugh, your work sucks, any wonder you are thinking about a career change. Seems you have a pretty sound strategy for that meeting. Lending you some strength to get through that debacle. Hearing you about those triggers, I hope you have some strategies for managing those if they get a bit much at work. I'm open to being invoked as needed. 🙂

I'll finish up on a positive. LM's dad got us out of bed a bit earlier than usual today, bustling in as the mad cloud of activity he is, bringing with him a brand new dishwasher (& coffees, so we might be awake enough to communicate and help get it set up). Heck of a birthday gift for LM, what a difference it will make for us. Wanted to tell you something went right for us, before bed.

Kind thoughts, 

Blue. 

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, HAPPY BIRTHDAY LM! Yay what a FANTASTIC birthday present! and the dishwasher sounds great too lol. 😍

A royal way to begin his birthday. 

I get the issues with trying to get to sleep. Your sleep routine seems to work really well, shame you have to repeat it a few times per night. 

Yes work is not too happy about things they don't have reasons to be unhappy about! 
Issue for me is that because they feel this way, it's creating mountains of hours more work for me to SHOW them evidence so they understand - possibly. 

Got stuck into reading that book about Boundaries last night. Lots I already knew and do do. Some things were quite new that I read whole sections to BF today lol. Nothing like revision! 

Have pulled in ALL favours to get the next few days far freer for me to get in to work at 6am and will have to stay late. Kind of NOT looking forward to it ie the hard work, longer hours and meetings BUT I know I'm up for the challenge. 

Just damned if I want to keep repeating THESE shenanigans. 
Decided to talk with my Union Rep Tuesday, he was upset he found out about bs after the fact last time. 

Anyhooo... gotta pick up P.son and co. from the train station soon. I'm SO HAPPY he's getting some friends and socialising a bit now. They all went to the "big smoke" to visit the Museums, eat and hang out. Hope they all had FUN! 

P.son is trying hard to use all opportunities for L driving. Bit taxing on mama! 
Yvette has not driven since that near miss, too much going on. 

We're planning a huge Party for the boys in a month. 
Alexa is giving us her rabbit / guinea pig hutch for the less able chickens who wander to shelter / sleep in BUT we have to build some type of extra space with a roof top for them. A lot of work and mucking around... tbc lol. 

I'm shouting Chinese food tonight so I don't have to cook and clean up etc. All the things I need to do, because I need the extra time atm. Want to get to sleep at a reasonable hour. 

Take care

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

LM says thank you for the birthday wishes. New dishwasher is having its maiden voyage as we speak. LM's dad even got the dishwasher tablets for us, huge packet of them. Felt very spoiled yesterday, he also took us and a handful of friends & family out for Thai food, which was lovely. They make this awesome dessert of black sticky rice done with coconut, baked custard & ice-cream (or any combination of the above). They had mangoes on the menu this time, too, and they were fantastic. LM loves their dessert & made sure to have some, even though it meant getting a doggie bag for half his mains, haha.

Yeah, that's it. Good sleep routine, need to enact it a bit too frequently. I have unfortunately discovered I'm one of those lucky people who needs more like 10 hours a night rather than the standard 8 to function okay, too. Guess who almost never gets enough sleep to function okay, no matter when I go to bed or how long for. Sigh.

I hear you about work - if there aren't enough problems for their liking, they just make some up. Ugh. I'm glad you've been able to free up some time to deal with that madness, though I'd much rather see you freeing up time like that for your own pursuits/enjoyment. Of course you don't want to keep going through this BS. I'm glad you have a union rep in your corner though.

Sounds like you're learning a bit from the book on boundaries, I'm glad. I bet it's an eye opener given you've had a lifetime of people trying to take all yours away. This is new armour for you, and you can wear it with pride.

Here's hoping P.son is a good driver. I can understand Yvette being a bit rattled and having a break. My brother wound up on a medium strip in an 80k zone with my car. He didn't get to drive it again, pauper like me couldn't afford to lose her wheels.

Must be a huge party if it's planned a month ahead! Hutch sounds good, all the extra work less so.

Here's hoping they get your Chinese order right! Good luck getting the time you need and a good rest.

I took LM for a walk to the wetland today, first half decent weather coinciding with an opportunity for it since we got the wheelchair. What a help that is.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Gosh Blue, LM & I must have been separated at birth, except for the huge age difference of course lol!
I would do EXACTLY that, take the mains home & GO FOR dessert! hahaha, how lovely. 
Thai food, ahhh what I cook at home so often lol. 

Wow LMs dad is a CHAMPION. What a guy! Fancy him even thinking about dishwasher tablets! He sounds like a super thoughtful person in your corner. Not sure if you have Reject Shops over there? Sometimes they have half price dishwasher tabs that end up being between and eighth to a quarter the cost of Coles etc. 

So happy you went to the wetlands. I imagine your walks there even tho I have NO Idea what it all really looks like over in your state. Nice weather to do so too! Wow it's been raining all weekend here.
Obviously we don't live any where near each other. 

Yeah our Union Rep is super busy with so much Industrial action going on. He's stepped up in our Union and it's all voluntary, so he's under the pump. Hope he can give my issue some attention, though he's not quite rational when these things happen. He's been known to totally LOSE his split at the bosses! 
I don't think that's quite the way to go about things. 

I get it though lol. 

Chinese Restaurant was closed, darn it. We got delivery Indian food instead. Glad to we could come to an agreement on what kind of food to get. 

More later! 
love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, I replied more on your thread. Hugs. 

Update: managing challenging times whilst maintaining SELF. 

I earnt my position at work. 
I deserve to be in my position at work. 

I've decided that NO one will push me out, just because I find the situation emotionally challenging at times. 

I found rational ways to combat things this week. 

TONS of self-care over the weekend. 
Lots of self-care preparation. 

My aim is to state clear boundaries in a rational way which creates SPACE for me to be who I am. 
Emotionally & psychologically, I refuse to let others destroy the essence of who I am. 

As I knew and have been validating in reading about boundaries, empaths need to set even more boundaries than others. 
One of the issues I noticed decades ago was quite the opposite of what some complain about. 
I had "too many friends", too many offers of friendships. 
I knew back then it wasn't the number of friends, it was the quality of these relationships that mattered. 
I've had to learn multitudes of ways to exit perceived relationships peacefully and quietly lol. 

I have and I'm SO proud of myself for doing this! 

Better go feed the chickens and start my working week! 

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update 2 for today: managing challenging times at work. 

Well if the email I got last Friday wasn't clear enough (it was clear to ME!) then another one today from yet another boss made it crystal clear. 

My intuition is telling me they want me out, well not all of them by far, but they go with the majority (the richest and perceived most powerful). 

I know the 2, maybe more, underlying reasons they have. More with themselves than me personally. 
It's all based on rumour and speculation - I've heard them now. 

So, tomorrow's meeting will make it clearER whether there's a fork in the road for my career or not. 

Today I did rock up super early. 
Tomorrow I'll get there much earlier. I arranged for someone to let me onto the premises at 5am, will have my Office unlocked, alarms off etc, so I can enter that part of the site. 

Today I got SO MUCH done! Super happy with the outcomes. 
My initial plan to record and take notes of each person's "whinges" at the meeting is still a good plan. 

Besides writing up summaries of reports, I also got major project paperwork completed and sent off. 
Only 15 more to go! Waiting on other people to put their forms in first, emailed all those request. Waiting / not waiting lol.  

Have drawn up another spreadsheet to fill in, in the morning. 
THAT one will be super fanceee lol. 

Then the mountains of evidence. In files. All clearly labelled. Stuff I can pluck out and produce when questioned. 

Have decided to speak with our Union Rep AFTER the meeting, after work even. If I told him BEFORE then he could storm right down there and blast them, stirring up the pot prematurely and causing all sorts of added angst, which is what I DON'T want. 

Courage. 
Calm. 
Rational demeanour. 
Evidence. 

I've got this. Don't WANT this crap, but here it is. 

EM