new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Em,

I can understand why you have given her so many chances given all she has been through... perhaps a solution would be for her to set up an auto pay from her account to yours with a set amount to transfer the next day after her pay day... I've done this to help out someone... a set amount can help you both with budgeting... if her bank charges for this you can do similar through paypal at no cost (she can link from her bank account)... of course this doesn't help with the phone company & hidden/unexpected charges... unless you calculate an average & add to what she transfers to you.

oh lass I feel tired just reading everything you fit into each day... I'm not surprised you are feeling the lack of sleep... the additional financial worries must be tiring in themselves... I'm glad to hear you are doing "oxygen mask on Em first" we sometimes forget that one... it's ok to make some alone time just to breathe 

I hope you enjoyed the theatre

Hugs

Paws

[ecomama]

Thanks Paws, I really appreciate your support and feedback.😍 As I do Blues' too. 😍

I am beyond tired. Got a cold too after days with a yuck tummy, too much. 

The Performance last night was fantastic. Things weren't "right" with my family and it was OBVIOUS! So many issues and many they're not happy with me to sort. 
The grandkids loved it. 

Thanks for the auto deposit suggestion, I've suggested that already. It was a "I can't cope" response. 
Sorry but neither can I. 

Today we went to the phone shop AS we were told to by the "CARE" line, more like I don't care line. 

I sat. I was a sparking tinder box. I said we're not leaving here until this is sorted, if it takes all day. 

So many LIES. We've had 5 people tell us FIVE different things! Infuriating. 

The assistant said "YOU pay for ALL these phones all by yourself each month?" and that was it... I said "Yes", Alexa said, no we pay. I said some times some of them pay some thing - which is closer to the truth. 

I was cornered. 
I just KNEW this was so unjust and unfair and ALL on me. I can't cope with the pressure any more. 

A tear started to come out. I wiped it. I wanted to RUN. I started to panic and tried to remember where an exit was in this HUGE shopping Centre full of potential triggers from demon.
The boss who'd swung his butt in front of me, so I reported him last week.
I stood up to his "level".
Alexa said "You should have a break outside" so I left. 

Then this sparse horrible car park. The ledge. Remembering awful things. I was in half PTSD mode. No sunglasses! I lost them today after 8y! 

No resolution. Horrible day. No words left. 
Thx Paws
Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: I AM SHRIEKING inside. Furious with the absolutely ridiculous phone company. Almost $1000 extra coming out of my account in 2 days time. 

I'm trying SO HARD to get out of so many set ups. 

At least I found out today about the Embassy being in my state. I NEED my Birth Certificate!
Dead father, useless to us alive anyway. Mother who's insane, literally. 
Talk about no help. 

I stood in that car park today and looked over a ledge and KNEW I was saving myself. 
I cried and said "Blue I need you now". Then thought of ALL the things Blue would say to me to bring me down from this crazed anxiety of no escape. 

"This is PTSD"
"This is not really you"
"We will sort this"
"You're gonna be all right" then I thought of my kids and realised WHY I've done this so much for them. 

I don't want them to feel abandoned. Left alone. Alone. 

It was a BAD day, fraught with horrible triggers. 

Then Yvette wanted her FIRST driving lesson (omg). We'd planned it so I followed thru. 
Went to the place and it's ALL fenced off! 
Drove along to find a quiet sealed road. 
Her turn: She was shocked at how much she had to remember, like pressing the foot break! 
We nearly ended up in a ditch. I got us out of it. 
She learned how to park. Great! 
We did 30 minutes which was PLENTY. 
Only 480 hours left for me to do. 

Kids, dog, cat and chickens doing well lol
Love EM

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear sweet ecomama….

I had tears in my eyes listening to how triggering and horrid your day was today…

You made it through sweetheart…for you, for your children, grandchildren and us here…

I could only imagine how hard your day was today….and I’m really deeply sorry…

I want so much to give you a caring and comforting hug…and thank you for being so strong within yourself….

I know you like Brene Brown…so I wanted to pop this in here for you…because sweet ecomama today this was you…

There are times when standing alone feels to hard, too scary,

and we will doubt our ability to make our way through the uncertainty..

Someone, somewhere will say….”Don’t do it”…..”you don’t have what it takes to survive the wilderness”….

This is when you reach deep into your heart and remind yourself….”I am the wilderness “……..Brene Brown.

I am so proud of you ecomama…..for getting through the day the best you could…

Now your home…it’s time to be very gentle, kind and caring to you….no one else, but you…you are one very amazing, beautiful and strong lady…..and we all love and care for you..

Kind thoughts, with my care and those war, caring hugs..

Grandy..

[Paw Prints]

Oh Em...

Lass I'm wrapping my arms around you & holding you safe... it's ok to cry on my shoulder as much as you need... 

Then we can sit together over a cuppa with all your friends from here... maybe we are all simply sitting quietly in support with you on your verandah or all together around your kitchen table nattering nonsense to give you a break from your thoughts... then when you feel ready we will shoo you off to bed for some much needed sleep.

In so many ways it was a horrible day for you... yes you struggled... but lass you also shined... you challenged the thoughts & you beat them... be proud of yourself lass for that... 

Another big 🐻 hug

Paws

[Clues_Of_Blue]

EM, I can hear in your words just how hard today has been for you. I'm sorry you have been in this situation, fighting these triggers and feeling so cornered. I see all the "little" things like losing your sunglasses adding up to contribute to your overwhelm in an already impossible situation.

I can see the injustice and the uphill battles you're fighting. I can see the unhelpful people, the uncaring people, the incompetent people all along the line making so many things so hard for you. I see your racing thoughts with everything you have to keep track of and untangle - you, who does it better than anyone else even tries to, even with ADHD fighting you all the way - when it feels like no-one is on your side. You have held it together so long, kept your cool and kept pushing for positive change and there comes a point when there is so much working against you, it's too much. I think of these meltdowns as "despair attacks", moments when you just can't stand all the pressure on you.

I may not have been physically present when you said to yourself that you need me - and I am honoured that it was me that came to mind - but I hope you could feel my spirit there. I am your friend, and I am there. You were in the ballpark with the things I would have said, you just missed one. When you feel anxiety or despair creeping in, the first thing I will tell you is "remember to breathe". First step in getting grounded, breathe deeply - get that heart rate and the hyperventilating down, feel the air going into your nose, and coming out of your mouth. If it helps, maybe count the breaths (I know I need more than one thing for my hyperactive brain to do when I'm stressing out).

I do know you don't want your children to feel abandoned and left alone. I wish they weren't taking advantage of this. In terms of kinder ways of thinking about setting your boundaries, consider that you can only help so far. There is a point at which you do better by them to teach them to stand on their own two feet. Where will they be when your time on earth is done if you can't take reasonable steps back before then, for their own good? They benefit from your boundaries, even if they don't think they do.

Much love to you, from LM too. He's on your side, right beside me.

Blue.

PS Kind thoughts to Paws & Grandy, too. Thanks for being here for EM, too.

[Beaser]

Hi EC    Im sorry that things are tough at times at the moment.  Its things like large bills that can really be upsetting. Its great that you can recognise different factors that are there for you .    Great effort to do the driving thing with your daughter she must have been so happy that you took her out.  Always good to hear from you and i hope this wee is a good one      Brett.

[ecomama]

Dearest Grandy, I began crying as soon as I saw your name, I'm still crying. It's just SO SO SOOOO hard some times! I want to scream from the top of a mountain, yell my lungs out. Times like these, my arms and legs feel all strapped together like I can't move. My chest so tight I can't breathe. 
I never got like this when my Nana was alive. 

I began recovering from my nightmares WHEN I joined the forums. 
I have to listen to things most nights in efforts to keep the nightmares away. 
A few weeks ago they began again. They're really horrible and recurring ones, they make me feel unsafe in my daytimes too. 
I needed to return to BB. 

I needed my friends here. 
My friends here UNDERSTAND. They KNOW what I'm going through. They FEEL or have felt the same way! 

What a terrible thing that everyone here has faced such hardships that they understand, but for you all I am SO GRATEFUL. 

Otherwise I truly would be alone. 

I am the wilderness indeed. A WILD woman in the wilderness! lol. 

Loving those hugs!!! 
Thankyou with all my heart, EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Dearest Paws, shoulder crying would be wonderful about now! And lots of hot tea. Thankyou, I needed to hear that. I'm so worn out. So tired. Feeling so sad. Beyond frustrated. 

As much as a screwed up paper bag could shine in the car park yesterday, yep I made it. 
Lord it was horrible being "back there", looking over and having those feelings. I knew with 100% certainty that I wouldn't go over. I looked around to see if demon was behind me, that's how evil these thoughts are. 

But the pull back to myself was stronger. I stepped away and walked around in circles. I know I could never do that, it would be the ultimate abandonment and betrayal for my every person who has dug deep to love me. 
In a blink. No. Far too soon. 

Plus I've got a freaking phone bill to pay! lol. B words. 
When I feel stronger I often say to the Universe, "Bring it ON". 
Need sleep first lol. 

Shine yes. Only with the support of you all here, I know that now for sure. 

And I can't stop crying, the kids came out and asked me what was wrong and I said they're "happy tears".
I was even crying silently! They boiled the kettle for me lol. 

Thankyou, you got it. No one in my Real Life would ever "get it". Breathing OUT. 
Love always EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Dearest Blue - LM family, thankyou. I actually "felt" your arms on my shoulders pulling me back. I knew once I stepped back I had to feel all the emotions I was feeling and I just couldn't cope. 
There's no doubt in my mind your powerful spirit was THERE. Thankyou. 

Sadly but fortunately Alexa witnessed me being triggered. She KNEW every comment and action by those ppl was another trigger. By the time there was a short to and fro, then an eye to eye with the boss there, I bent down to pretend I needed to find something in my bag. Alexa said "Just take a break mum", I was outta there faster than anything. 

She's studying Psychology and could see a full PTSD build up in front of her eyes. 
Thank God she used her knowledge to take charge. 

IDK why Alexa hadn't agreed with me before and she'd actually forgotten I'd said it at all.. today she suggested she pay her sum out. 
Transferred her share today. 

Then SHE APOLOGISED to me. (I KNOW! I'm shocked tbh). 
If she hadn't witnessed the extreme pressure herself first hand, she would never have known. 

She had to "experience it". 
It was a bonding moment today. Not a guilting or shaming moment. 
She now UNDERSTANDS my form of PTSD, I always get her ADHD lol. 

Pushing for these boundaries HAD to happen. After a rest, it must continue. 

I'm in a hurry for change but far too tired tonight lol. 

Thankyou 
Love always EMxxxx