New member wishing he knew where to start and what to do

[jonno86]

Hi ,

This feels really strange posting to a message board, after stumbling upon an article about C-PTSD, which bought me to tears, firstly from the kindness I felt in people's posts and replies, but also for hugging myself after reading a thread which made me feel like I was not alone, and that some of my feelings, in some way, were normal.

I guess, the thing which really stood out to me from the post I read had something to do with finally being separated from primary abusers, and being in a 'child like' state, which, if I am honest, after a lifetime of trauma and abuse, and finally, being in my own new home, alone - I am so confused as to why I have never felt worse, in so so many ways.

My social anxiety, panic attacks, felling's of self worth and depression - have never been worse, which, which I consider what I have experienced in life, is so confusing to me and so incredibly scary.

The past 1.5 years have been a massive journey of discovery and learning. After some treatment programs, and a lot of therapy and journaling. I have come to remember and partially understand countless things that have happened to me from childhood until now.

My current understanding, is that being raised by a very ill mother, with multiple diagnosis's (and me obviously having my own), lead me down a developmental path, and life, which, is far from normal.

The impact of my childhood, adolescence and adult life, during which, most of the time, I was unaware in so many of what was ACTUALLY happening, has caused so many issues, some of which can and have been diagnosed (C-PTSD, OCD, GAD, Attachment Disorder) and others which I would describe as coping mechanism's or behavior's other which I still struggle to understand.

The most scary and confusing part is how much I have deteriorated since being alone - I feel like I am only now starting, or trying to understand, how I go about healing and becoming a functional human being.

I have no idea what that road ahead looks like, what supports I need, how to go about it, what advice to seek.... and often, feel more confused, lost, lonely, anxious and depressed than I ever have, even when experiencing actual trauma.

I understand that everyone's journey is different, and I know there are people far worse off than me... but, these new feeling have caused me to do things and have thoughts I have never had, which I just don't know how to deal with...

Hoping this makes sense....

[jonno86]

Thanks for the response Geoff, I really appreciate it.

[Mishmo]

Hi Jonno,

I can relate to so much you are expressing. I am still on my journey of healing also... feels like its truly never ending. I myself found the most amazing psychologist who helped me oh so much, then sadly just before covid she retired. So also on the hunt for a new one. Hard finding another so amazingly helpful as she was. But the aim is to not give up. With so many complex problems, like i also have, they are far and few between, or not taking new patients. I hold hope, till then I find these forums somewhat helpful, helps me vent my thoughts, find others or reading of others with probs similar to myself, and take it all day by day.

I wanna say, Im ever so proud of you for coming as far as you have. I personally know how hard it is just getting to where you are now. Its a up hill battle for sure. So easy to just give in and give up at times, but truly incredible to keep fighting also, feels empowering.
I was doing great, now not so much... its been like 2 steps forward, 1 back kinda healing... still in a forward direction. But atm, I am feeling kinda stationary and lost. But telling myself thats OK... its better then going backwards entirely. And I will not allow myself to do that either. So being stuck is ok for now thanks to covid.

Sorry for my rambling, my mind does that... joys of cPTSD. Oh and triggers.... yep they suck! But working out what they are and learning to not give it all my energy has been what I am working on atm... covid is not helping me mentally either.

How bout you? How are you today? How are you travelling? Do you have any self learnt coping skills?! Ot any you may have learnt from online info or any specialists etc that you find helpful?!

[ecomama]

Hey jonno

A warm welcome to the forums.

I know your thread title said you didn't know what to do or where to start but clearly you have made massive headway by separating from the abusers.
Many ppl don't do this (and we know why, it's nearly impossible to do) but you HAVE so you have started your healing process.

Whether you know it or not.

I'll give you some pointers, hopefully meeting you 'where you are'. Know we are always here to support you.
* no it's not sunshine or normie land on the other side - you have a lot of recovery to happen.
* you will heal more and more IF you put in the work. Being here is really positive.
* the "answers" to your recovery will not come from one magical psych or med, it will come from you knowing what helps you and feeling empowered over time to SEE those things and DO them.
It's like your own jigsaw puzzle that you need to find the pieces for.
IE sure you can get help from ppl but there's no ONE thing that will cure you - "complex" is the key word here.

Please:
* DO self-care (we have a self-care thread and we are NOT experts either!).
* get a living thing to care for from a plant (visit gardening thread) to a bird, kitten, dog (there are threads on these too). I'd start with a plant. If it dies, throw it in the green bin and get another - all good, you're trialling that's all.

Connections:
* IF YOU CAN make 1 IRL connection per day. Whether it's saying hi to the shop assistant, making a MH call to a helpline or for an appt, texting of phoning a friend. Maintain your interactions.
* If you can't then maintaining your BB connections is very important.
Take what you want and leave the rest.

I'm talking to everyone now including you jonno...
Just for today know that who you are and what you do today is ENOUGH.

YOU are enough, in fact you're amazing.

You've got this jonno
EMxxxx

[Elithia]

Dear Jonno,

how are you doing? I've been thinking of you. How have you been travelling these last couple of days?

If you'd like to talk, I'm here.

Best wishes,

Elithia x