Neglect and other types of abuse

[m1m1]

I have experienced over a decade of neglect abuse from my father. My parents are separated. When I was very young, maybe just under 4, I had told my mother about waking up myself and having to get whatever I could reach from the fridge for breakfast. This was all while my dad was asleep.. until after 12pm in the afternoon. I’d always done this and entertained myself while not knowing I was being neglected by my father. There were other instances where my father would not pick me up from school or look after me when he said he would. He suffers from depression and would always use that as an excuse to my mother. But then he would spend about an hour or two with me to stimulate me, so I’d still want to spend time with him. He didn’t realise what he was doing but that didn’t make it any better. Then I copped emotional abuse from my stepdad, screaming, swearing and calling me names when I did anything wrong. He always put me down and then told me I should be greatful for everything he does, like feeding me and giving me a roof over my head. But I shouldn’t have to thank him for that, that is a thing that everyone should have. He even had the audacity to threaten leaving me at my dads house, knowing that I didn’t want to stay there. He does this to my siblings and I can’t do anything about it, if I did I would cop it more than ever. I have been diagnosed with anxiety but I have a feeling it may be PTSD. I had verbal abuse from multiple friends, even when I was very young.. around 5 and 6. One girl basically stopped my best friend hanging out with me whiteout her there too. So she kept my friend to herself and my friend didn’t stop her. She was very manipulative towards my friend and would put me down and poke me even when I told her to stop. She hurt me a lot (emotionally) and I would apologise for doing things to her but she hardly ever apologised to me. She made me even more self conscious than I already was and acted nice at times which made me think that some of the things she said were true. My anxiety is horrible, more physically than anyone I’ve known. But mentally I am surprisingly good at calming myself, when I can. Most people don’t know everything.. I don’t think anyone knows all my trauma is except me. It doesn’t help that I’m out of the closet as bisexual and still in the closet to my parents about being non binary. I am constantly misgendered and called my dead name. If I get a response. Do you think that this could end up with me having PTSD?

[Sophie_M]

Hey m1m1, thanks for joining us here on the Beyond Blue forums. We know it can be hard to write the first post, so thank you for having the courage. We're so sorry to hear that you're feeling so low due to what's happening in your family at the moment. Please know that you are valuable. It sounds as though you are needing some support and we want you to know that there is help available to you.  If you feel it may be helpful, you are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. We’d also welcome you to reach out to our Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. Please know that you've come to safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We're all here for you.

[Blake_S]

Hi m1m1,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forms, and thank you for having the courage and strength the reach out for some help. It is not an easy first step to post about how you're feeling and what you've been through, so I congratulate you for doing so.

I am so sorry to hear about the multiple traumatic circumstances, events and abuse that you have experienced, and from the people who are supposed to take care of you. You are so strong and resilient to process these thoughts and emotions, and then have the courage to tell us about it. You are a champion.

While I can't relate, I can imagine how difficult it must be to reflect back over the past decade and realise that what was happening to you from your father, stepfather and friends when you were young can be identified as emotional abuse and neglect. I was wondering, how are coping with that realisation?

I want to acknowledge a strength of yours, that you are good at calming yourself down, especially since you have anxiety this is great skills to have in order to manage your anxiety symptoms from spiralling out of control. Unfortunately, I cannot say whether you have PTSD or not. But if you're willing, post back and we can unwrap things a little more together?

We are all here for you.
Blake_S :)