My Story/Introduction

Agenderandproudofit · ‎13-08-2020

Hi, i'm agender, 21 just have to say whoever reads this some stuff that i've written is disturbing. I was born as a boy. i was raised pretty much by my father for the first 10 years of my life as my mother was a cop 24/7 then studyed for a few years at night school to be a teacher, my relationship with her from age 10 til now isn't good and has been deteriorating more each year. Growing up with my dad around was horrible he did drugs, smoked/drank heavily, was always out at parties leaving me alone at home plus i was physically abused by him from age 6 to 15 for reasons that i still have no idea why even today which as a result left me with PTSD. I was diagnosed with mild Autism at the age of 3 from then til age 15 i had a countless number of speech therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists etc. School whether if it was primary or high was very traumatic had hardly any friends (only 1) i was bullied heavily and physically abused by teachers and students. From age 10 til now my life's been a misery i did drugs from age 10 to 21. I was an alcoholic for a while, i decided at one point that i had to go to rehab which did wonders and i've been off drugs and alcohol since then. But after wrecking my brain with the drugs and alcohol over that long period of time i've noticed that i hulicinate, can't walk properly (straight) and that i always make quiet random noises and talk to myself without thinking it. I'm also suicidal my last attempt was last month as a result i lost my relationship with my second family as soon as i told them, i always call helplines when i feel suicidal. Just to finish it off i've now got no friends and don't talk to my family at all, whoever reads this and can relate to this just know that you're not alone.

Sophie_M · ‎13-08-2020

Hi Agenderandproudofit,

We're really grateful that you have shared your journey with us here tonight, we understand that it takes a lot of courage to be so open and honest with your feelings, and it's so important that you have. We're so sorry to hear what you've been through. No one should ever be made to feel unsafe in their own home, or school and we are so sorry to hear of the abuse that you've endured. Please know that you are strong, valuable and you have a right to live free from abuse. You've come to a safe, non-judgemental space and our community is here to help support you through this difficult time.

It's great to hear that you have had reached out to rehab- we think it's really strong of you and so important that you have been so proactive in recognising you need some help and seeking it. We're also glad to hear that you've been calling helplines whenever you feel suicidal, and please know that you can call these as often as you need whenever these feelings become too difficult to cope with.

Our Beyond Blue Support Service, is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. In addition to this, our friends at Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800), Lifeline (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are there for you 24/7 to talk through these feelings.

You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready.

Croix · ‎19-08-2020

Dear Agenderandproudofit~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here. Life has been very hard on you, for no reason you deserve, and you have had to live with consequences nobody should have to.

I feel you deserve a great deal of respect, on two counts.

First the balanced way you have been able to set down your circumstances. Despite what drugs and alcohol may have done to you there is still an ability to write clearly.

Second is beating the alcohol and drugs yourself. This is in fact a really great thing, and many are simply not capable of it.

Feeling suicidal and attempting to take your life , if you are like I have been, it is not so much wanting death but for the problems you face to be fixed and to feel better. Do you think that would be right?

You sound pretty much alone, but with one freind. With you mother I'm unclear but suspect you do not have much of a relationship with her and cannot rely on her -did I get that right?

I ended up OK, in fact more than OK but had help and did not come from as bad a past as you, still my attempts were just as genuine and I felt there was no hope. If I had been told that I could be loved, have a family and hold down an enjoyable occupation I would just have laughed, but it turned out to be true

One thing I found was there was still one thing I could enjoy, even when suicidal, and that was comedy. In fact that enjoyment led me to disclose my suicidal actions and seek help. Things went from there.

I wonder if, apart from alcohol and rugs, there is anything in this world you enjoy or take pride in. anything at all from a pet to a song, perhaps just being with your friend.

I made up a safty plan to reach for when overwhelmed and as you know in the state everything is too hard to do. It fits on a phone and reminds you of anything that might make you feel better. I needed help to fill mine in because I'd forgotten what I did like and enjoy.Needless to say YouTube comedy is on there.

There is a good one at

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

Do you think it might be worth looking at?

Look, I've not said that much or tried to talk about your problems, but I think it is enough to get started - if you want to, and talk more

Croix

Jo73 · ‎13-09-2020

Wow, your an amazing person, I dont think you see that
You've been through so much and still have your humanity and dignity intact
I have no advice, im an emotional mess, i just want you to know that you are an awesome person, you deserve happiness and connection,
Please don't harm yourself, im so glad to hear you ring helplines when you feel suicidal, keep doing that!
All the best to you my friend