My Mum was molested by my Grandfather - not me - so why am I so mad?

[fred4761]

When I was 10 Mum started having anxiety attacks. Everything was kept very secretive. I wanted to know what was causing these panic attacks so I started investigating and slowly I pieced things together.

Growing up there were lots of rules that only applied around my Grandfather. I became friends with a girl who had the same types of rules that I had grown up with - and her rules were only for when her Grandfather was around. She told me that she had rules but didn't follow them and her Grandfather touched her. It turned out he had done the same thing to her Mother when she was a child. Things started clicking into place and I was able to piece together that my Grandfather had molested my Mum and her siblings.

My Grandparents lived in a unit on our property. They were getting old and so Mum and Dad decided to allow them to live next door to us. As kids we would see my Grandparents most days and were always having sleepovers at their unit. I stopped having much to do with my Grandpa and tried to keep my distance. But it was hard when my siblings were always spending time with him too. When my sister said that she was having a sleepover at their house I made myself have a sleepover too just so I could keep an eye on the situation. I felt that I had to protect my siblings.

The thing that I am having trouble reconciling with now is - why were allowed to interact with Mum's abuser? Why was he more important than keeping us kids safe? My Aunts and Uncles all kept their children away from my him when they got older so why did Mum and Dad feel the need to have them live with us? Was I not valued and important? Was I not worth protecting? If I knew someone was a paedophile they would not be allowed anywhere near my children. I would protect them at all costs. I don't believe that paedophiles just change and are no longer interested in kids anymore. From everything I have been reading about incest and paedophiles they tend to have a particular gender of child that they target. The fact that my Grandfather went after both his boys and girls makes me think that it was all about the opportunity for him. I wonder if he was just waiting for an opportunity with me and my siblings? Mum and Dad thought that they protected us with all of the rules but what if we hadn't followed the rules and my Grandfather had molested us? Would that have been our fault? It feels like Mum and Dad were leaving that responsiblity with us.

[smallwolf]

Hi fred,

Sad to read of the things you and your family have had to go through. I have read a few stories (books) which were similar to that you described above, and the effect it can have on others. And the reasons why a person such as your mum does or does not talk about it etc, can be related to things like shame, embarrassment, "wrecking" the family etc. There are many, too many reasons to list. So by putting in some rules might have been viewed as a good idea? Not for me to say.

On reading your story I cannot really answer those questions you raised. Are you angry at your mother or grandfather or both?

I can tell you that you also care very much for your sister 🙂

The "what if?" questions will have no answer. And it would not have been your fault in any way. Maybe the rules was the best way they thought of protecting you?

Perhaps your mum and dad both trusted you?

Why someone behaves in a particular way is theoretical until you talk to them. I guess the question how you would you feel about talking to your parents about this? And in a way where all get to have to their say and be heard. You might not feel ready to have a chat and that's OK. And maybe in posting here you will might find some of the answers you are looking for.

[fred4761]

Thanks for the reply, Smallwolf.

Do you have any books that you would recommend? I am really struggling to get my head around all of this. I think it might help me to see things from my parents’ point of view.

I have tried talking with my Mum a few years ago and told her that I knew and it was a huge deal for her and upset her. I think that she is too delicate to discuss this with her in much depth. I have thought a lot about it and I am not sure how helpful it would be if she struggles to talk about it. I don’t want to cause her any pain.

It has only been recently in therapy, exploring my own self worth issues, that this was identified as being a huge contributing event to how I valued myself as a child and adolescent.

I just feel anger about the entire situation - angry with my Grandfather for what he did, angry with my parents for allowing him to be a part of our lives.

[Sophie_M]

Hi fred4761,
We are sorry to hear about how you are feeling and want to thank you for being brave and sharing to the forum. Reaching out for help is a wonderful first step. We think it might be useful for you to have a chat with our support team either online here or by giving us a call on 1300 22 4636.
Another great resource that might be helpful is https://www.blueknot.org.au/ + they have a phoneline which you can reach on 1300 657 380.
We also wanted to note how wonderful it is that you are going to therapy and receiving support in that way.

Sophie M
 

[Emmen]

Dear fred4761,

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I can understand your anger and hurt at the situation. It feels like your parents have chosen not to prioritize your safety.

I wonder if your mother is struggling with her own demons. Is she struggling to reconcile the fact that her abuser is still her father? Perhaps she still feels some responsibility towards him because of that relationship. The fact that you were given rules were a way for her to protect you. It shows that she did value your safety and she did what she could given her own struggles with this. You've tried talking to her and she as overwhelmed and upset. She may even be in denial over what has happened, and trying to put that all in the past.

I'm not defending your situation. I think it's unacceptable that you and your siblings had to be spending time with a pedophile, that you had to be in such danger. But I hope you can understand that your parents' actions were not a sign that your safety as not important, but the result of your mother's own struggles. If there's anyone you should be mad at, it's your grandfather.

Fortunately you and your siblings followed the rules and are unharmed. You've also been protecting your siblings. I'd suggest taking matters into your own hands and trying to prevent your siblings from having sleepovers there in the future, if you can.

Take care,
M

[fred4761]

Thanks for your response Emmen.

My grandfather died when I was a teenager - my siblings and I are all adults now. It is so strange to me that something that happened when I was a child has turned out to be an issue for me now as an adult. I had no idea just how much it impacted my childhood, adolescence and adult life.

I asked my Mum today whose idea it was for my grandparents to live on our property and she told me that it was mostly my Dad who pushed for it because of my grandparents failing health. Actually, the first thing she said was "don't tell me he molested you too". And the look of relief on her face when I told her no made me feel so sad for her. As Christians they felt that they had to forgive my grandfather and that it was the children's responsibility to take care for their elderly parents. Mum also said that my grandfather only molested her and her siblings so she didn't really ever think that we were at risk. I said something about him being a paedophile and from what I understand they don't just stop their behaviour. It was as though it had never occurred to Mum that he was a paedophile. I am not sure what she labelled him as.

[smallwolf]

Hi.

I know you asked some books ** trigger warning? ***

• Ashley Judd - All That Is Bitter and Sweet
• Tina Zahn - Why I Jumped
• Rosie Lewis - Trapped
• Beverly Engel - It wasn't your fault

The first two are books about survivual...

To be honest, the book by Tina was the first I read and when I picked it up from the library I didn't really know what it was about. What happened I would find out as I read more the her story. The book by Ashley Judd was something I picked up more recently out of curiosity - I had only know about her as an actor.

On forgiveness ... I won't comment on the actions of your mother. Except to say that forgiveness is also a way of the person (doing to forgiving) to move forward and not get stuck in the a feeling of ???? It does not the mean the other person is off the hook or whatever.

On talking with parents. ... I sort of get what you mean about the pain. My dad has parkinsons and beginning of alzheimer's. There was some things I wanted to talk about. However after a chat with my mum, it would be confusing for him/them. There is also that paradox between loving parents and the pain caused and conflicted feelings.

[GimZim]

It's not the same situation but my dad was violent and my mum said she was scared of him abducting me and my brother. I remember a time she sent me and my brother, alone, to his house when we were age 7 and 11. Even though she was scared he was going to abduct us or harm us? I haven't spoken to her about it yet but since realising she put us as such risk has made me incredibly angry with her.

You were worth protecting, you shouldn't have been put in that role protecting your sister and you shouldn't have been put in danger by your parents. I'm so sorry they let you down. I don't know if your siblings know and/or if you've spoken to them about this, I hope nothing happened to them and I'm glad nothing happened to you. Your parents shouldn't have taken that chance.