Living with my abuser.

[Jonathan03]

Hi,

I am currently living with my father. He has abused me my whole life. I have been avoiding him the best I can for a very long time. I lock myself in my room and only leave if he has gone to work or I have to leave for school. I went to the police a few weeks ago to get an intervention order but was unable to get one due to my broken fragmented memory and because of the statute of limitations. I fear that he will hurt me or maybe even kill me. He has threatened to kill me and do other things if I ever told anyone about the abuse multiple times in the past and know he knows I have. I can’t sleep at night and tick all the symptoms for CPTSD. I am currently seeing the school psychologist and another psychologist out of school. I constantly have intrusive bad thoughts and it’s debilitating. None of my other family members really believe me and justify his actions. I doubt myself and question my sanity all the time but I know this really happened to me. What should I do? I hate living with him. I might go to boarding school but I would have to live with him on the holidays. I don’t really have any close friends and I don’t want to ask any of them if I can live with them because I don’t want to give them that burden and I have trust issues. I believe he has antisocial personality disorder and is a sociopath. He didn’t grow up in very good conditions and he has never shown any empathy, remorse or guilt. Is my fear of him irrational, is it just a symptom of CPTSD? He has hurt me hundreds of times but it hasn’t happened as lately because I started fighting back, got bigger than him and began avoiding him. I can’t remember much of the abuse but I have memories coming back all the time. 

Should I try mend my relationship with him even though I don’t want to, I hate him and I really doubt he will change? He tries to justify his actions. I think he enjoys doing it and he is always trying to assert control over me my touching me inappropriately, taking photos of me and humiliating me. He psychology, emotionally and verbally abuses me, making me question reality and believe in his deception and lies. I’m still dealing with the things he has done to my so many times and for so long and I don’t know how to recover. I really don’t know what to do. My mother tells me I should forgive him because it happened “a long time ago” but it didn’t, I feel like it’s still happening even if it isn’t, I don’t want to and he is no different to the days when he was bashing me and he doesn’t even feel sorry. I fear for my safety every moment, I’m really paranoid and I want to get out of here and I’m afraid I don’t really have any options. I can’t move out, I won’t survive, I’m only 16, I have no money, no job, no where to go.

[Jonathan03]

I also have a huge technology addiction that’s taking over my life. I try and preoccupy myself as much as I can to numb the thoughts. Most days I don’t even want to get out of bed and since it’s the holidays I haven’t left my room much.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Jonathan, welcome and thank you for sharing your story. We are so sorry to hear about what you have going through with your father. We understand this must be so difficult. We are really grateful that you were brave enough to reach out to the forums this evening as we know this can be intimidating to do for the first time.

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.

We would recommend you to talk through your feelings and experiences with a counsellor. You can contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way.

Hopefully, a few of our welcoming community members will pop by to welcome you and offer some words of support and advice. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help you get through this stressful time.  

[Guest_1643]

Hey Jonathan
I'm really impressed with you in finding BB forums and posting and sharing your story. That's enormous. Thank you for doing so. It's not so easy to flee the situation you're in unless you have someone in your corner. I hope we can be in your corner somehow.
I was wandering if there's any other support yo could get through the public health system, a social worker to talk to or something through the public system? If you can call Beyond Blue helpline they may be able to link you in to some options?
I'm so sorry you are going through this and hope we can help you find a way to be safe. i'm so sorry you ave to be locked in your room and i can sense the fear and need to escape. It is tiring. It's also not your fault. Nothin about the situation is your fault, and that's why you need to speak to others who can see the good in you and hold you up. You deserve to feel safe, to feel cared about and to see your good, and if your father can't do that, you have a right to search for that elsewhere. I would be honoured to speak to you more if you feel you can write

[InhaleExhale]

Hi Jonathan03,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. I hope you can find some support here and thanks for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to open up and share, so you can be proud of yourself for reaching out.

I was encouraged to hear that you are seeing two psychologists, I hope the experience is a positive one. The situation with you father sounds absolutely horrible and really difficult. Feeling unsafe in your own home must affect your every moment and would be even harder without the support from your other family members. It’s great that you are considering you options around boarding school and removing yourself from the house. I hope you can find some safety.

It sounds like you will need as much support as you can get during this time. If you feel able please post again, we would love to hear from you.

InhaleExhale.

[Jonathan03]

Hi Sleepy21,

I don’t really know anything about the public health system. What is a social worker and what would they do if I reached out? If my mother found out I was talking to someone about leaving home I don’t think she would approve and I feel guilty about going behind her back. It’s a bit of a paradox, I want to leave home to get away from my abusive father but I don’t want to leave my mum because I do love her and it would be a bit of a betrayal.

Thanks Sleepy.

[Jonathan03]

Thanks InhaleExhale,

My psychologists are really helping but I continue to feel really unsafe all the time. I have made escape plans in case he ever tries to break into my room again and hurt me. I haven’t made any plans to move out yet but my psychologists have told me to call the police if things turn dangerous.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Jonathan,

Thank you so much for keeping the community updated on how you're going. It sounds like such a difficult situation to be in, but we hope being a part of this community can give you some more ideas and help you to feel a little less alone.

We would also strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT who offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely, supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation and may be able to offer some extra supports to help you through this. You can contact them anytime on 1800 737 732 or if you'd feel more comfortable talking online, they also have Webchat available 24/7 at: https://www.1800respect.org.au/

We are really glad that you have the support of your psychologists, and as they mentioned, it is really important that you call 000 straightaway if you feel in danger.

You are not alone here, Jonathan, and we hope that you continue to update us on how you're feeling whenever you're ready. 

[InhaleExhale]

Hi Jonathan03,

It’s good to hear from you again.

Moving out or not will need to be a decision you make for yourself. It sounds like you’re conflicted at the moment. Maybe try the respect hotline Sophie_M mentioned. I’d maybe feel a bit anxious about calling them up, so the webchat is a great option. I’d like to hear if they can give you a few tips or further help.

I’m sorry this is happening and I hope you can find some safety for yourself.

It would be great to hear how you’ve been the past few days.

InhaleExhale