Just diagnosed Complex PTSD

[Malen]

I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD today, on top of BP2 w/psychotic features, Anxiety, OCD and Depression. I dont completely understand the diagnosis. I do know it from being physically abused on a pretty much daily basis by the guys at school, pretty much from early primary to the last day of year 12. The farewell gift I received from one of my bullies was to fly kick me to the head knocking me out. I told my parents, I told the school, I told anyone who would listen but no one did or was able to do anything about it.

My home life was strict, very religious. We had church people over what feels like every night, from an early age I became the coffee maker for all these guests. I became a complete loner and my music tastes changed to metal, which was not well recieved in a strict religious house. 

I was forced to study music at school so I chose guitar, was never very good. I also had to do piano for a number of years, which I was even worse at. I had to study math and English through out. I was good at math but in Year 12 I needed a tutor for English.

Mum was very controlling growing up but also, I would say aggressive. There were outbursts if she didnt get her way. Her and Dad would fight more than I would think was normal, not physical though. Mum did suffer from Depression and spent quite a time away in a facility when I was in year 7, I didnt understand the before this or why she had been taken away.

So school I was abused and at home I wasnt safe and couldnt be myself regardless. Ive never felt like I could be myself, other than the time I lived alone. Now days Im not even sure if I would know how to be who I am or who I actually am to begin with

[Malen]

I was unplanned child, my Mum has reiterated it a few times but always says I am just as loved. I never understood why I had to be told at all, let alone reiterated. My sister was planned however. Mum has stressed that it doesnt matter but the difference in how we have been treated speaks volumes.

Mum was like 21 when she had me and I dont think mature enough for children from the stories Ive been told. I also think that there was significant mental health issues which have never been addressed.

Ive started to prioritise my own needs, though I did put my sister ahead of myself for a long while as she was sick and no one was stepping up. That caused me serious issues so I have taken a step back

The more I think about my childhood I feel worse and worse about my Mum and the fact my Dad didnt step in and force change makes me feel pretty mad with him and Im starting to hold resentment against both of them.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Malen,

 I think you can get to a point where you can hold both gratitude for the good things and process the anger for the damaging things that parents did. As awareness develops often so does anger at realising things parents did that were immature and harmful. But I’ve found myself that I can also see where they acted out of their own trauma and dysfunctional childhoods. That doesn’t justify their behaviour but it helps explain it somewhat, which can make it a bit easier to understand.

Emotions stemming from your parents’ behaviour is something you can definitely work through in therapy. For a long time I focused on the positives from my parents but had to learn to see the negative impacts as well. That can certainly bring up anger, but that can be worked through towards a kind of rebalancing in yourself, if that makes sense?

Yes, with your Mum being 21 and likely unaddressed mental health issues, all of that can influence how you were raised. You have lots of insight already and are on a path of growth within yourself, so you’re well positioned to be able to process and heal your past experiences. It’s great to have support for that, so it’s really good you have the therapy support being organised.

It sounds like you’re working through things and making sense of things. I wish you the best with it and feel free to post here if and when it’s helpful.