Is it sexual assault, or regret?

[Zazu]

Well over ten years ago but still intrudes on my thoughts. More so lately after I've been seeing a therapist for something totally unrelated, send to be opening a Pandora's Box of memories.

Out with my boyfriend at the time and his best friend from interstate who I'd not met before. He hooks up with a girl and we all go back to my bfs place. I'm very drunk at this stage, so is the other girl. I don't even know how we got back to the house.

All I remember of the night, is my bf telling me that the other girl is useless and to go help his friend out, then I remember the friend having sex with me. Next thing I remember is they're both having sex with me (dp) which I've never done before and still feel gross about.
Next morning I wake up naked, sore and with my bf telling me I need to go home now, they have things to do.

Had to get it off my chest. Part of me says it's my fault, I was drunk but remember it, so that means I could have said no, and the other part of me says that I was way too drunk to consent, and would not have done it if I was any more sober than I was.

All I feel about it is shame.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Zazu,

We’re really sorry to hear what you’re going through. We’re really glad you had the strength and bravery to share this here though.

We’re reaching out to you privately to make sure you’re ok. If you'd prefer to call us directly we're on 1300 22 4636, or you can reach us via online chat from 11am-midnight AEDT.

It sounds like you could really use some support with this. If you'd like to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800RESPECT they're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here.

What you're describing is abuse, and must be incredibly hard to deal with. We're so sorry this has happened, but we're really glad you could share here. We hope this helps you towards getting some support with this, either by confiding in your therapist if you feel comfortable to, or by reaching out to 1800RESPECT or the Beyond Blue helpline.

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. If you’d like to share a bit more here about how you’ve been feeling, our kind community will be here to offer their support and understanding.  

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Zazu,

I really appreciate you sharing this with us and I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I know the feeling of pandora's box with a therapist for sure.

It sounds like there's a part of you that says this wasn't right and it wasn't okay, and it might be quiet but I agree. Consent to me is never "help his friend out" and it's also such a big deal it seemed a bit dismissive to tell you to just go home the next day. While it might seem like you should have said no, were you really able to do so? It seems like you were really pressured into that without knowing if that's what you wanted.

I don't know if this helps but I think you know deep down this was not okay; there's no shame or blame here.

rt

[Zazu]

This has now been on my mind all night. Maybe it was a Pandora's box I shouldn't have opened!

I'm also remembering a couple more bits. The other girl, she ran out crying at one point. I've no idea what happened or where she went.
The next morning when I woke up and wasn't happy, bf said something along the lines of "don't act like the crazy b**** did last night"

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Zazu,

I don't think we get a choice to open the box! (I know I didn't anyway)

Oh what a terrible thing to say. It must be hard remembering things- how are you coping with it? Are you seeing your therapist soon to talk?

rt 🙂

[Miz]

Hi Zazu,

I'm so sorry to hear that you went through that - it sounds awful. I want to make sure you understand that this was never your fault. It does sound like you were sexually assaulted - which I know can be an awful thing to realise. It's great that you are seeing someone - I think if you feel comfortable talking about this with them would really help you feel supported with remembering these things. It's such an awful thing that happened to you and I just want to reassure you that we are all here to talk and support you. There is no shame in realising this has happened and you did nothing wrong. None of this is your fault - no matter what your bf may have said.

Here to talk, hope to hear from you.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Zazu,

I am so very sorry you went through such an experience. I want to reassure you that you are among friends and very warm and understanding people. You reached out to the right place.

Some situations we experience are of such dark nature that our brains push them to the very back of our memories. It works like a survival instinct because at the time the experience might be too traumatic to deal with. We might not have the strength or be ready to venture this dark avenue.
One of the worst ones are those that had been inflicted on us by others but in such skilful ways that they leave us thinking it was our fault, “we asked for it”, “we made them do it”, igniting enormous amount of shame, guilt, confusion etc

I truly hope that all of us here have managed to reassure you that nothing of what had happened was your fault. It was not your fault and you weren’t given any chance to consent or not.

It’s been ten years since this assault on your body had happened. Your body has healed but your soul probably not. You are a very brave person to try to face it now. Maybe somehow you know that the time has come. It might be that you needed all these years to gain and build that strength. It might be that it happened totally unexpectedly.

[geoff]

Hello Zazu, the therapist has a way to open this pandora's box, that's how they are trained, secrets that may have been hidden for a long time but in your subconscious are causing problems.

These chaps may have asked you any question that involved you saying 'yes', that's their defence in you agreeing to have this if asked by the authorities, it doesn't necessarily mean that you wanted it but the way you were treated was definitely distressful, I'm sorry.

Geoff.