Introduction - Hello Everyone

[Guest_498]

Hi all,

I'm new to this forum. I'd like to introduce myself. I'm 40 years of age, female. My interests include music (any genre), reading a great novel, watching comedy, Restuaranting, and learning new things. I suffer from depression and anxiety. Depression feels very lonely for me. I'd like to reach out for some support. Thank you.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Blubs, thank you for sharing your story. You are a strong woman who can name and identify what you have seen and who the people around you were....stay you 🙂 Strong and inspiring

If you don't mind me asking, how did you come to realise that your family were not healthy for u?

For me it was a bumpy ride, there was a lot of manipulation and claims that "your family loves you best, better than others, you're safest with us..." and then they would abuse me, in ways they couldn't understand were abuse...

I think its rare that abusers have any concept of the damage they do.
I'm lucky that I learnt how to understand what happened by working alongside a social worker. He was trained in domestic violene and wasn't my social worker, but we just used to chat. He introduced me to concepts about abuse and helped me understand it. I gave up on the idea that my family were loving and good. And it's been easier since...

Your flattie sounds great.... hopefully he'll bring a nice vibe to your place and be a great distraction. Is he good to chat to so far? I hope he brings some good convo....

[ecomama]

Yes home early, no meetings this week, they start up again full swing next week. I worked through lunch to leave early too.

Atm I only watch about 15 mins of a show then begin to fall asleep so just let myself.

EMxxxx

[Guest_498]

Thanks for your kind words, Sleepy. Strong & inspiring - I don't feel strong nor inspiring though but thank you. That's very sweet of you. Wish I was stronger sometimes.

My new flatmate doesn't talk too much either, but we've hardly spent any time together yet. So I don't know too much about him. We seem to get along ok. Small talk. I'm picking up on some chemistry between us unless I'm misreading signs. IDK. I doubt it though. I'm usually pretty good at these things. But he's with someone and I don't want to cross any boundaries.

My ex-flattie spent time here with me prior to moving in, so we got to know each other before living together. This process helped break the ice a lot. And, we spoke on the phone for hours too, before he moved in. Got to know him in a small amount of time, which made things much more familiar if that makes any sense.

Your question "how did you come to realise that your family were not healthy for u"? is a question no-one has ever asked me before. I've asked myself this question in recent times and my answer would be it actually took a big chunk of my life before I came to this realisation. It's not an answer I could answer in one thread but I'll try my best.

Growing up was confusing because I had a mother who I thought loved me (she did love me) but given the mental abuse as well as the harsh physical discipline, I would often be very confused. As a child, you believe what you were told, and growing up with family violence was what I believed was the norm. Your sentence: "they would abuse me in ways they couldn't understand were abuse" - this resonates with me because I don't believe that my mother even understands just how abusive she is. My father was never around. I've never met him. My stepdad was present 'till I was in grade 3. Their relationship was volatile - I witnessed a lot of unpleasantness from both, however, mainly from mum. I loved my mother with all of my heart. I remember that I was a sad child. I was severely impacted but suffered in silence. I never spoke about anything.

My sister has a deep-seated hatred for me - it comes from a deep place within her. I never really thought about her hatred either, until it became egregiously noticeable as we got older. Looking back now, I can clearly see it, but I never noticed it growing up. My sister is the main aggressor and manipulative one, not my mother.

[Guest_498]

You sound really flat today, Ems. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It must be something in the air, because I feel down as well. My ex-flatmate feels it too. He came 'round today. He actually opened up a bit this evening.

Sleepy, I realized that my sister was unhealthy for me many years ago, however, I never knew the extent of her hatred and personality disorder until 2014 when I moved in with my mother after I left a toxic relationship. During this time, I got to know her by spending time with her. Over the years, her hatred for me got progressively worse. It was apparent, she couldn't hide it. At the same time, my mum's hatred was just as bad, as my sister would gas-light, manipulate, etc. They became one person, almost. This was when I truly realized that they were unhealthy for me. Whilst my mother doesn't have any concept of the damage she's done, my sister did. She went out of her way to destroy my life. There was a lot of effort and scheming. I was none the wiser - I was blindsided. Likewise, "it was a bumpy ride, there was a lot of manipulation and claims that "your family loves you best, better than others, you're safest with us..." I got this line as well.

[ecomama]

Hi girls

One way we can tell if ppl aren't good for us is if we feel bad in their company or what they say to us hurts and if we spend alot of time crying or ruminating over what they've said or done... and feel bad about those thoughts.

Our instincts may have become skewed somewhat but time away from them can get our instincts back.

It's also difficult when they say things using the "love you" terms (I never had the love word said to me and was banned from saying it - the abuse was clear physical violence and the rest)...

IMO in these instances it's best to see what they DO ie actions speak louder than words.

Beware of the "buy back phase" though... when a toxic person thinks they've pushed too far and may lose us, they will often try to buy us back with gifts, letters, promises of never doing xyz again etc....

over time there is less and less time between the buy backs and they also diminish...
I think there's a sense that this family feels they "own" us? Does that sit right with you?
It was exactly that for me and was said openly even to Police lol... overblown entitlement beyond understanding. "Control" a better description maybe.

I feel bad because I read what you guys said about family saying stuff like no one will love you like we do etc.... I didn't actually say that to son. He's not a little child. I did say I was gravely concerned for his safety but so are my family and friend who lives near this place and knows it, the psychologist at work who hears stories from her colleagues about same place and now the Deputy coming in full throttle with concern. Deputy knows alot about the families involved.

If it was a beautiful stable family home son was moving into and a nice area etc then my anxiety would reduce about 90%. But I am concerned about how I'm handling this all with son. I was very tough today. Told him to stop lying to me.

There was a lady online who's written a book about separating from toxic family members. Her clips were interesting and quite informative.

Don't underestimate how extremely difficult this time is for you both, it's really hard. I've been there and it took me 10y to recover then the next stuff happened. Hard.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Ems, even if you did say "family loves you best" it wouldn't be a problem at all. I know you said that you didn't say that but even if you did, it would be true in your case. I have no doubt, so don't feel bad about that. No one could ever question the love you have for them, Ems. You've never hurt any of your children, unlike ours.

My sister is so manipulative as she would say things like "I only want the best for you" whilst destroying my life piecemeal - so go figure. These lines would invariably come out when she wanted something. For example, to include her in my will she said "family stick together, we're here for one another, we love each other". In the same breath, she then asked me who was in my will. I saw her coming a mile away. I smirked. She's pack full of greed and awful disgustingness. Yuck. She would R you for a dollar, that's the level of greed I'm talking about. Its disgusting. When I think of her, two words pop to mind - greed and jealousy.

RESONATE BIG TIME: "I think there's a sense that this family feels they "own" us? Does that sit right with you? overblown entitlement beyond understanding. "Control" a better description maybe". ABSOLUTELY!!!

Love Blubes

[Guest_1643]

hi, i totally agree. It's probably very common and lovely to show love and prioritise love in families....

its beautiful and i'm envious and in awe when people can say those words and mean it!

Blubs absolutely it is about control. It's also just like an illusion of control.
I drive a car that once belonged to my grandfather but is technically owned by my parents. This is the only connection we have to each other. Oh gosh do they love to use that as control.
"How can you not speak to us all year? What if something happened to the car and we needed to contact you?"

I thought - wow I better get rid of the car if they're going to use it to control me, but I decided not to. My grandfather was happy for me to have it and I'm sure if not for the car they'd find some other lame excuse that they needed access to me and information about me. It's just about me knowing that they can contact me any time and have a right to tell me what's wrong with me anytime. Sorry - not anymore.

Blubs that sounds so rough re your sister. It's sad in famlies where it becomes all about money or objects and there's no focus on love.

[ecomama]

Blubes, Sleepy21 and others reading my heart goes out to you, it really does.

Family IS supposed to be the one place we feel safe AND loved AND nurtured... omg like opposite in some families... I don't even know WHY we say that stuff anymore truly?
When intimate partners do the most damage to women and men apparently at 97% to 3% ratio. Just saying.

But no Blubes I didn't say any of that stuff. Just went down the list of my fears and predictions then resolutions lol like a spreadsheet.

And I'm very sorry for the CLEAR and BLATANT attempts at manipulation from your families... I still cop it every now and again from the NC family.
It's sickening.

Last year a cousin I hadn't heard from in TEN years contacted me demanding to know what I'll do for her mother for her birthday and told me she needed an "experience" so what is it?
Wow. Really?
Then demands.
My kids and I don't even get a TEXT for anything... like are you guys still alive?
My kids wouldn't know them if they FELL over them in the street and vice verse.

Oh yeah I took this Aunty out for the day. It was almost embarrassing tbh. But THIS aunty had protected me for a long while when I was young... I didn't need reminding and it's NOT about pay back either thankyou... it's about love.

Then I ran into another Aunty this year in a shopping centre... she didn't recognise me and said so then said I looked great lol... I insisted I buy her lunch. I know she's broke. We ate together, chatted. She relayed ALL the bright things in her life and said nothing of the realities... I knew both anyway. It was more like a FB catch up lol.
16y since I'd been to her home or her to mine.
When she said "We should do this again" I said we can say that and probably won't so have a nice life till we run into each other next time (lol).

And yes the motivation for these people to do and say cruel things is ALWAYS motivated by jealousy and greed IME...

ZERO support from these ppl and they knew about all the Courts. Not even an egg sandwich lol.
Horrible.

I KNOW they wanted to SEE me fail. Oh well.... diddums.

We got FAR more support from my Church! Food delivered. Prayers. Hugs. Time. No expectation of pay back. Just love.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Hello Sleepy,

I'm glad that you've kept the car. You said "How can you not speak to us all year? What if something happened to the car and we needed to contact you?" This statement says it all. Was all about control over you. What if something happened to the car? - just wow. How long has it been since you've been estranged from them?

I haven't been in contact with my sister for over 3 years now. And, last time I saw my mum was at the end of lock down in April, whilst I had my walls professionally painted (she paid for half of it). I haven't seen her since. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Yeh, my sister has ALWAYS been greedy. She believes shes better than everyone else. She has no warmth, no empathy. As Ive said she's a narcissist. She would steal my belongings and manipulate money out of me and never paid back. She'll take every piece of property she can get and I'm not even rich, quite the opposite actually!! Ive been conned by her many times. Moving on .. I don't like to visualise her in my mind - she repulses me.

May I ask why they want information about you? You know my situation with the CAT Team and what they did to me, so it's the same deal with me. Mum wants to stay close for information on me to pass on (I believe) and also for the purpose of damage control (cover up for the CAT Team). I've cut ties for this reason also. I became paranoid I'd be set up for something worst.

Blubes

[Guest_498]

"Last year a cousin I hadn't heard from in TEN years contacted me demanding to know what I'll do for her mother for her birthday and told me she needed an "experience" so what is it?
Wow. Really? Then demands" - Ahahaha. Who do they think they are??

I HEAR you Ems - they want to see you fail, no doubt. They get a sense of sick satisfaction from it. I'm where I am atm (I lost everything - my education, my then relationship, my family, my friends, will to live) because of my sister's desperation to see me fail - she succeeded. I did fail and I fell hard. Everything was taken from me behind my back. I lost Big time. I am now left in a position where I have to rebuild my life from scratch.

We'll get there ladies .. we will. 🙂 xx