I want to stop being angry at the bullies

[JJ456]

Hi all, I'm new here... I'm JJ, 36yo queer man. I need to get something off my chest and just maybe see if any of you nice people can help me with a fresh perspective.

I was bullied as a child. A lot. From preschool to the end of high school. And more at university. Sometimes physically, and constantly emotionally and socially. I was ridiculed for my accent, for the way I spoke, for being bad at sports, for being intelligent and bookish, for being sensitive, for being gay (even though there's no way I was coming out while I was there. I didn't come out until well after moving away from home, I was so scared of the bullies having anything else to through at me). I would be set up to fail to provide entertainment for the group. For a long time I was the guy even the other unpopular kids would have a go at. Things slowly got better, but the damage was done. My ability to read social cues - especially around sex and relationships - was stunted and that led to a lot of anguish continuing, on and off, until now. I made some spectacularly bad relationship choices in my early 20s including a fling with a closeted man who ended up assaulting me.

I have generalized anxiety disorder, depression and have worked through a lot of issues in counselling and through medication. But I still feel socially awkward and have low self esteem a lot of the time.

I've learnt to accept that this is a result of the terrible way I experienced social interactions when I was just learning. I know that this isn't my fault. But it makes me angry still. I feel that I was treated so badly for so long by so many of my peers that I'm permanently damaged. And I hate that these bullies and the things they said and did still have so much power over me.

I believe that through forgiveness, empathy and understanding I can move on and let go of the anger. I was even able to do this with the boyfriend who assaulted me, eventually, when he gave me a heartfelt apology. But I can't seem to do this with the high school bullies. They picked on me as a weak target, never showed remorse.

They also aren't a part of my life any more, I moved to Australia from the UK after uni, my life is totally different now. But I still hate that what they did to me then still has so much power to make me feel so bad.

What do you think, patient people? Can I find a way to forgive so I can try to stop living with this hanging over me? Or must we always have to carry the weight ofmour trauma?

Thanks for reading 🙂

JJ

[therising]

HI JJ

I can understand your anger and resentment. You never asked for any of that yet people gave themselves the freedom to choose that life for you. I would be angry too. Sometimes, I feel angry for my son as well. I think while bullies believe they're giving something to you (a living hell), what they don't realise is how much they're actually taking away. I sit here with tears in my eyes as I wish I could give the kid in you the most massive hug. I wish I had the chance to tell him how truly beautiful and brave he is. I wish I had the chance to tell him he is far from weak. In fact he is one of the strongest of all in the schools he found himself in because he faced the kinds of challenges that even some adults would find it impossible to get through.

I find perspective to be a trippy thing at times. When I think of the dysfunction in my family in the earlier part of my life, it makes more sense why I struggled through depression in my 20s through to mid 30s. At 51, it only hit just a couple of months ago, how unloved I was/felt when I was young. While my relationship with my mum, dad, brother and sister is fantastic at this point in life, I feel so angry on behalf of that young girl/young woman in me. The dynamics of my family determined her path to a degree. Why could people not see what they were doing to my younger self? At some point, I realised I was incredibly angry and resentful at their younger selves. As I say, perspective can be trippy - While I'm not angry with my family members now, I was angry with the younger versions of them. How strange is that?! You could say those people (who they were) don't exist anymore. There have been other people in my earlier years who had also messed with my mind and they too, I imagine, don't exist anymore (those versions of them).

Forgiveness can be undeniably hard at times. In defining 'forgiving', for me it's partly about moving forward through giving myself release of some kind. Perhaps moving forward beyond anger and resentment involves giving our self permission to release the ghosts of the past (the versions of people that no longer exist). From then on it's about loving that kid in us back to life, in all the ways they deserve. What rewards would you give to the kid in you for his bravery, his endurance and all the challenges he rose to amidst his suffering? What would you gift to him? I've found, while the kid in me may be craving my love and attention, at times I can distracted by my anger.

[gucia6]

Hi JJ

I am sorry to see how much you went through.

I was bullied at high school too. Unfortunately back then bullying was just a part of the overall situation, adding to emotional and verbal abuse at home, physical and sexual abuse at my boyfriends hands. For me all this cluster is a huge trauma, deep black hole that I do not wish to face. And when I think about it, I am so angry, that it is choking me. I feel horrible shame and guilt that I allowed people treat me like that.

And you know what? I am unable to forgive them yet. I know they don't care, they even don't know, I cut them out of my life, and hope never see them again. And I know this is a poison to myself, but I also know they don't deserve my forgiveness. Not yet. First I have to come in terms with the pain, the scars, the triggers and flashbacks. First I have to reach the point I can forgive myself for my helplessness, ignorance and stupidity back then.

But I am also fine with those feelings and emotions. They are strong and painful, but they are valid. I let this anger and resentfulness be there, because they are valid. Maybe this is my way of grieving for all the emotions that were restrained back then, feelings that I was not allowed to express freely.

Maybe there will be a day, that I forgive them in my heart. Or maybe not. I don't care.

What I care is to gain my internal peace about the past, so I can give my strength and wisdom to the people I care about. To be able to say "yeah, s**t happens, but it is all past now, and I have my strength to face what's ahead"

On another note. I am just asking out of curiosity. Have you been assessed on autism by any chance? Sorry if it is too personal.

[JJ456]

Thanks again. On reflection, my anger is as much about what I see as having been taken from me (a chance at a social/sexual development not hampered by crushingly low self-esteem and terrible social skills) as what was done to me. Thanks, therising for putting it so well. I also loved

In defining 'forgiving', for me it's partly about moving forward through giving myself release of some kind.

It's very easy to get stuck in thinking of myself as a victim. And, while I can merrily live my (really quite nice) life for most of the time, this rears its ugly head now and then. Luckily not quite as often as in the past. In fact I deal with these issues much better than I used to... Which is great, I just wish I didn't have to deal with them at all any more!

Take care all 🙂

[therising]

Hi JJ

I read a brilliant book by a guy named Jamie Catto - 'Insanely Gifted - Turn your demons into creative rocket fuel'. He's a guy who, as a teenager, experienced both anxiety and severe depression.

He speaks of the many different aspects of self, 'The Victim' included. I'd never considered his take on things before I read his book. He mentions that although we may not like certain aspects of our self, all aspects offer different abilities. 'The Victim' will come into being through acts of victimisation. We gain the experience of feeling what victimisation feels like. It becomes a reference. So, whenever we're being victimised even in the slightest of ways, we'll feel it or sense it easily. The more sensitive you become to it, the easier it is to pick up on. 'The Victim' is the one you can rely on to let you know when someone's being a degrading a-hole.

I hope I get a bit of a laugh out of you when I tell you that the victim in me comes with a protective companion known as 'The Super Bi*ch'. If I don't keep a tight reign on her, she can easily go to town on someone. Only a small handful of people have met with her. They're the kind of people who are incredibly thoughtless, self-righteous and even brutally cruel at times. So, she doesn't verbally attack just any old person 🙂

If there's one significant thing I've come to learn over time, there are many aspects of self waiting patiently to come out, aspects we've been conditioned to suppress:

• We're introduced to 'The People Pleaser' typically at a young age. We're kinda conditioned to please everyone, from our parents through to our teachers, no matter how horrible they are. The people pleaser suppresses 'The Challenger' in us. The Challenger may challenge through expressing 'Why should I respect you when you make no effort in earning my respect?'
• We're gradually conditioned to not question or wonder so much, which can bring 'The Oppressor' in us to life. The oppressor may dictate 'Question no one!' Problem is this can lead you to question no one but your self, creating poor self-esteem. The Wonderer, The Questioner, The Liberator are so important

There are so many more aspects of who we are, beyond just these.

Sounds kinda crazy but I think sometimes it becomes a matter of 'Who/what aspect of self do I need to channel in this situation?'. Once the channel's open, bamm, you can be amazed by a sense or aspect of self who's been patiently waiting for the opportunity to come to life.

🙂

[Stui]

Hi JJ,

Really pleased your talking about this and find this medium helpful. Many things crossed my mind when I read your post. I too am from the UK and know what schools there were like and to give you an idea what it was like on my first day as we were in the playground I witnessed one of the children, a year older, kicking his mother to get her handbag. I was defiantly not used to seeing that sort of behaviour. Like you I was bullied on occasion although it sounds as if your situation was worse.

I was very sorry to read your story but I can say I no longer feel the trauma or anger about it, I did at first. I am older than you as well maybe that's part of it, II lived through a lot of unpleasant things. All I suggest to help is to try and avoid thinking about the situations. If you feel you need to or it becomes distracting find a good counsellor or if you have one stick with them.

It is perfectly normal to feel anger at the people who treated you this way but they are most likely very different people now and would feel guilt about their behaviour I know I feel guilty about the wrong I have committed against others from my childhood on.

Keep chatting on here as well it may help get it out of your system.