I often thought my first responder job would eventually cause me grief as has happened to many of my collegues

[Pat101]

30 years in a professional first responder role  I would have thought whats occuring would have been a result of that and I was always vigalent for its signs but it didn't come from that.  

Always steadfast, reliable and confident in my job and nothing really fazed me and still doesn't. But the increasing fear, anxiety and total overwhelming panic I feel when my ex wife becomes violant  or verbally abusive totally throws me as it is totally at odds with how I am professionally.  I could never fathom it because I was looking in the wrong direction expecting that one car crash, suicide or god knows what else to tip me over the edge like so many of my colleges. 

I was looking in the wrong direction and after 15 years of emotional abuse and and at times physical abuse from my ex partner which is still occuring because we have three children the warning light has well and truly come on.  

Im a very capable guy, assertive in the most stressful situations, a returned service man there isn't much I haven't seen or done.  

But I could never disengage from the arguments and violant outbursts,  she would just follow, there would always be some punitive response which was most likely involve the children and still is.  It was always hanging over my head like a carrot I couldn't do anything and helplessly had to take it, it was always my fault.  

Still occuring but thankfully not as much as Ive been separated and now divorced for five years but have 10 years to go until I can finally be rid of my ex-wifes influence. I thought it was just accumulative stress which in a way is true but the reality is its PTSD and never thought for a minute it would come from this because I was being every so vigilant but looking in the wrong direction. 

[Kazzl]

Hi Pat, welcome to the forum. First, I want to thank you for everything you've done in your work. You are one of those very special people in society that does the vital but terribly hard work of dealing with trauma to save and protect others. Thank you.

I can't imagine what it must be like to be constantly on guard, knowing what you do for a living could bring you down at any time. But I think maybe people in those situations learn to somehow put an emotional barrier between them and what they experience, a professional distance I guess?

But there is such a difference between the professional and the personal, and when the hurt comes from our own lives, people closest to us, it's a whole different thing. I think what I'm trying to say is try not to compound the hurt your feeling by being hard on yourself because you didn't see it coming, or you don't know how to deal with it. No-one does, and blaming yourself is only going to make it worse. We all react differently when something's personal.

I don't know if I can help with the situation with your ex, other than say try to think of it separately from the stress you experience professionally. Your main concern is your children and I truly believe that kids are more perceptive and resilient than we give them credit for. Keep as much distance from your ex as you can while being the best dad you can be to them when you see them. As they grown they will come to understand things, and once they're independent they will make their own decisions ...

You are very alert to the mental health problems your job can cause and you've identified that PTSD is affecting you. You know the drill - get help. Do what you would have advised your colleagues to do when it affected them. Look after you. That's the very best thing you can do for your kids, yourself and your future.

With great respect

Kaz

[PatT]

Hi Pat,

It's very common for people that work in high-stress jobs (paramedics, military, coroners, ER teams) to build a very thick psychological wall between their work life and their home life, as though the two are polar opposites. Work, in such a case, is framed as emotionally draining while home is a place to replenish those emotional stores and re-centre yourself. 

From what you've described it does not sound like you ever really had a place to psychologically 'unwind' and you were just transitioning from one stressful situation to the next and it's accumulated in this PTSD. You had time to forge this persona of professionalism and stoic assertiveness at work because that's what your job required but you weren't being criticised and hounded whereas at home you were personally targeted.

It sounds incredibly rough mate and I understand. You spent so long putting walls up in one direction that when you got belted from the other side there was little between you and the criticism. I really think you need to speak to somebody about this. A psych would definitely be able to help you work through alot of this (if you aren't already seeing one). I have PTSD as well (from a violent incident) and I've gone through 6 months of CBT, on top of about 4 years of counselling, and it's done wonders. Take some time to try and address the problem. You deserve it