I hate everyone because of my past trauma, and no matter what i cant respect anyone

[MaxnotKat]

hi, im khyana- im 12 years old and suffering from depression. when i was 8 months old, i was first taken away from my family- i was soon returned though. all my life i have been abused by my family and friends, bullied at school, and hurt by myself. every time i get a friend, i freak out from pat trauma and unfriend them, whenever i fall in love- same goes. i have never accepted anyone into my life because of this. i have now been taken away from my family and put into foster care over 4 times, but each time i was returned after a year or so. Im starting to reject everyone who tries to enter my life, and ive become rude. i see the world in only its fails, and everyone in it as pathetic people. I have also been r@ped before, although i am not comfortable with talking about it. Im not scared nobody will ever like me, nor am i scared of people lonely. I am scared of myself for hurting everyone who tries to help me. It feels like im in an endless loop, and its making me restless. I dont care about people, as i think they are all stupid. I try and change my vision on people, but no matter what, it only takes me about 10 seconds to have at least 100 insults in my head about them. Anyone know how i can learn to respect humans instead of hating them all?

[Sophie_M]

Hi MaxnotKat,

Thank you for sharing such a brave and open post here. We’re sorry to hear you’re finding it hard to connect with people because of past trauma. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot, and we can imagine how incredibly hard that must be, but we’re glad you were able to open up to this community.

We have reached out privately to check you’re ok. We’re sure you’ll hear from some of our lovely forum members soon, but in the meantime we wanted to let you know that we’re here, and you can reach us directly on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat or email here (11am-12am AEDT).

A really good option would be reaching out to Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 available 24/7. They have some really good articles online that you might find interesting, such as this one on Dealing with trauma which includes some strategies for coping. There's also some more general Coping strategies here which can be really practical for those moments when we're overwhelmed. 

Another option is the Blue Knot Foundation on 1300 657 380, who support people who’ve experienced childhood trauma, available every day between 9-5 (AEDT). They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care. 

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. It might take some time for our kind community to spot your post, but we’re sure they will soon be here to offer their support and understanding.  

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[mmMekitty]

Hi MaxnotKat

As Sophie_M has given you some good resources for you, I would just like to say 'hello' & let you know you are welcome here, on the forums.

I'm sorry you have had such a rough childhood. Sadly, you are not alone in your experiences. I can't explain why the system yo've been caught up in is like it is: so bent & broken, & I don't know what would fix it.
One thing I can feel sure of is the people here are here because they have big hearts & want to try to help people make their own lives better. We'r here to listen, care & support you in whatever way we can.
It's up to you what you want to talk about. If anyone asks a question you don't want to answer, then don't answer. You are in control here. I know, there are some rules, like anywhere, so we respect each other.
Try those phone numbers & websites Sophie_M mentioned. I'm sure they will listen & have some good advice.

There is also a part of this website, forums for Young People. You might like to check that out, as well.

All the best,

mmMekitty

[Summer Rose]

Hi MaxnotKat

Welcome to the bb forum and congratulations on making your first post. I can imagine that it took some courage to place blind trust in our community and I commend you.

I’m so sorry that you have already experienced so much trauma in your life. It’s heartbreaking to me that you have had to learn at such a young age that life isn’t fair. Hugs to you.

I’m not surprised that you feel hate towards humans, given how you’ve been treated so badly and hurt by so many people. None of that is your fault, sweet child.

I also believe it’s completely understandable that you may push others away as a defense mechanism—to hurt them before they can hurt you. So, please be kind to yourself.

With time, effort and the right support, you can change this. You can break the loop. There is always hope for brighter days ahead.

It might be a really big jump for you to immediately be able to “respect humans”, but how would feel about trying to start with just one?

Is there someone in your world who may be trying to help you with whom you may have a tiny spark of connection? Perhaps a teacher, social worker or family member?

You could try to find one thing you like about them (maybe they are a good cook, or play a musical instrument or they love animals, etc) or that you have in common (eg a sports team, a band or a place, etc) and build on that.

One person, one thing and try to have one meaningful conversation. Ignore the insults and if you have to fake it till you make it. The second time you try it will be easier.

It might feel really scary at first but it could lead you to develop a rapport and trust over time.

Always happy to talk with you and support you. Post any time to let us know how you are getting on.

Kind thoughts to you

[geoff]

Hello Khyana, and a warm welcome to the site, it must have taken you some courage to write this post as you seem as though you have been hurt many times, we don't let this happen here, we want everyone to feel that they can feel comfortable talking to other people who have been through so much themselves and the first way is that we never criticise anyone who posts a comment, if we did that then we'd lose them and they may not return, that's definitely not the aim of this site.

I have spoken to many young people over 20 years and all I offer to them is support and to make them know that they have a story they have wanted to open up about and the best part is that it's anonymous, we don't know who you are, but certainly understand what they and you have to say.

Please know that you deserve to be heard and we appreciate your comment and if you can get back to us.

Please feel welcomed and want to be your friend.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi MaxnotKat

My heart truly goes to you with you having been through so much, with you having been through what no one should have to go through. You are an incredibly amazing person. I know you're amazing because you amaze me. You're amazing in the way you've managed to survive and you're amazing in the way you've trusted that part of you which has brought you here to us. Not everyone trusts what guides them. I'm wondering whether you amaze yourself at times, with you perhaps thinking on occasion 'I can't believe I made it through that!'.

What comes to mind are the words 'Give me proof'. So far, you've had just about everyone in your life giving you proof that they can't be trusted, proof of them being unreliable or inconsistent, proof of a destructive form of guidance, proof they can lead you to pain and so on. Would you say you test people? Kind of like 'If I treat you like sh*t, show me how well you can pass the 'sh*t test''. Give me proof that not only can you pass it but you can do better than simply passing the test. Show me how you are exactly the kind of person I need in my life'. In other words 'Prove yourself to me'. Do you feel this is what might be happening?

It's completely understandable that you're an incredibly guarded person. You've been led to put up defenses, based on your experiences. You will let no one break them down. Strange to consider but it's a skill do be defensive. You're a warrior who has developed this skill. I imagine one of the challenges you face possibly comes down to figuring out who are the people that will fight against you vs who are the types of people that will fight beside you, along with you, when it comes to what you truly deserve.

You deserve only the best and have, so far, largely received far less than the best. Developing your ability to sense who is a good guide and who is not may be an exercise you could practice. Would you say you're possibly an intuitive person with an ability to sense the nature in people? Keep in mind, with such an ability and you possibly being around a lot of negative people, you'll pick up on/sense a lot of negativity. When shifting into a different group of people, you'll pick up on a very different nature. In other words, sometimes there's nothing wrong with us, what's wrong comes down to the people we're surrounded by.

Don't forget, you're amazing. This remains the truth, whether you feel it as the truth or not 🙂