How to move on

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

I've not been around for a while. It has been quite an interesting year since May last year. I've struggled quite a bit with Complex PTSD, BPD Depression, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and grief.

Where to from here? I have been stuck for a while with little energy to move on and not much of an idea how to move on anyway. It is hard when my mind decides it wants to disconnect as that feels safer and then I wander through each day like a person in a movie set, just pretending. Empty. Distant.

Anyone else have trouble getting from one day to the next, waking up in the morning and wondering what on earth you are going to do with that day? At least at work I know I need to be there and have a rough idea what I am supposed to be doing!

I wrote more here and deleted it. I have reached out for help in so many places. Maybe I am just too broken to be fixed. Maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe I just need to be more grateful for all I do have and continue to stuff my issues down inside of me hoping they don't find a way to the surface anymore.

The last psychologist I saw told me I need to buy new curtains for the house, a comfortable chair to sit in and new pictures for the walls! Oh yes, that will certainly help with the CPTSD, BPD, Suicidal thoughts, past traumas and unresolved grief that all come uninvited to attack my mind. Why didn't I think of doing that earlier! I don't need a psychologist I need thousands of dollars and an interior designer!

How to move on? I am open to suggestions!

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Dools..

Thats okay lovely lady..in your own time..we are all sitting next to you passing our strength into your tired soul..

Do you remember the song by Creedence..,,Looking out my backdoor...,I look out the opposite door....my front door 🙂 I do this each morning....

I have a few crystal sun catchers hanging from my veranda roof, ...The are hanging by strong fishing line, which is around 2 feet long, so they move and twist around with the breeze....When the sun reaches the right height I have little pretty iridescent colourful dots that magically dance around on my lounge room floor...

While I am sitting and watching these dots, it comes to my mind that when we see the sun light we only see the outer fiery sphere, which most people love, because it warms our bodies up....Through my crystal sun catchers I can see more, I can see the beauty of what makes up the sun....I can see it’s beautiful, peaceful and calming soul...

Since I’ve met you and learned to love and care for you through your words, you are in a way one of my sun catchers, because your beautiful and caring soul is what we all see....We have never met you in person, but we have met your inner beauty....your soul and your heart...

So today I’m giving you another reason that you belong on this earth...That reason is that your soul shines brightly for everyone who has met you, people you talk to and those that know you....Your words have and still do help so many people here and in r/l...

Just like on cloudy or rainy days, the sun is taking a rest to restore its sparkle it’s colour and it’s soul, so it has more to give us....and the universe....You, me, everyone is like the sun...we need to take a break from life at times..how do we do this?

We go back to nature, by just sitting in Mother Nature’s healing universe...The sun is like a giant vitamin pill for our soul to recover from the pressures of life, the noise of people and cars, trucks and whatever else the industrial work has done to us....and taken from Mother Nature....

Rest my dear friend....you are loved and cared for by your amazing BB family....and your beautiful sister, nieces, nephews...family and friends...shine brightly dear friend..

Love, hugs and care precious lady..

Grandy..

[Guest_1643]

Hi Dools, the questions of why to be on this earth are ones I understand.

Just letting u know we are listening, and don't judge.

I'm so sorry you are going through a rough time, Ur a lovely forum member here

[quirkywords]

Dools

i agree with the kind words of sleepy and grandy.

You are someone who always wants to help others. Yes many are listening to you including those who are reading as well.

Cheers

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

I seem to have from being stuck to not having a clue!

[Ggrand]

Hi lovely Dools,

Big big hugs 🤗, my dear friend...

[Doolhof]

Hello precious people,

A huge thank you to all who have dropped by lately, offering care, support, kindness and well wishes.

Life has been quite a roller coaster ride lately! I don't like roller coasters at all at the best of times!

I went for a walk this morning and saw 3 kangaroos. There was some colour in the sun rise. I'm going to do some weeding before I go out for a while.

This afternoon I will find something nice to do at home while enjoying a cup of tea.

Yesterday I listened to a You Tube chat about being inspired.

My mind has been stuck in the gutter of depression, bogged down so firmly it was hard to move in any direction apart from sinking further.

Hopefully I can move on. Hopefully I will now have a little strength to try again.

A huge thank you to you all. Virtual hugs from Dools

[quirkywords]

Dools I feel that the fact you still post here, ypou are always grateful to others and have an insight in your thoughts means to be you have self awareness and that is a start.

You may not know what you dont know but you realise that.

Sending lots of emotional glue to unstick you .

[Doolhof]

Hi Quirky,

Thanks. I had a day off today so tried to get a few things done around the place. I managed to write a letter to a friend in Europe so I was pleased about that...it has taken me months to do so! They don't have email or a computer.

Unfortunately I was a little cranky and snappy with my husband so apologised for that!

I didn't get out for a walk today, it has been extremely windy, we have had a dust storm and now it is trying to rain!

The other day at work I tried to chat with my supervisor about a couple of work issues. Time seemed to be short so I am not sure what was really achieved. At least I had an opportunity to say what is bothering me at work. Hopefully I will find some solutions if none are forthcoming through management.

Hope you are doing okay Quirky. Cheers to you and to all reading, from Dools

[Mum Chris]

Hi Doolhofs

Your posts seem more light and upbeat that’s great. Awesome you spoke to supervisor and hopefully they heard you.
Snappy is better than silent and depressed and you said sorry. It’s all we can do.

i think just being heard is so important and sometimes thoughts can be so strong that sharing them seems to ease them.
I’m also trying to be aware of my unwell reactions. For me it’s flight and fight but not just simple. I can close down and shut down in varying degrees or move away not answer and be quiet. My fave is tear my husband a new one lol. He’s patient and kind so he gets lots of hugs and kisses sorry too.

Hope your days keep progressing and you keep posting. It’s good to know I’m not the only one that snaps at my husband.

[Doolhof]

Hi Mum Chris,

Thanks for your comments here, your kind words and encouragement.

On unpleasant days I know my behaviour can be dreadful! I often warn my husband I am struggling and try to do something physical outside or go for a walk to release the built up tension. As the weather was not enticing for outside activities I cleaned the bathroom and sorted 3 boxes of stuff in the shed.

I have been listening to some encouraging words on You Tube which are helping. My mind has been on a downward spiral for so long I have forgotten I can think differently!

I'm going to take notes of the more helpful messages as a reminder to myself that I can think differently.

I agree with you, sharing our thoughts can make them easier to deal with generally. Hopefully I can share them in a manner that doesn't cause other's too much stress! Yelling really is not appropriate, it happens, when I am traumatised and really down I am scared and confused. It comes out in my words and actions.

Hopefully I can make changes for the better.

How are you doing? Life is certainly a journey! Cheers to you and all from Dools