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Hard roads and winding paths

Mrd74
Community Member

Hi, my journey up to this point has been difficult, I bare the mental scars of all my negative experiences those of so many people throughout my life. The abuse was physical, verbal, psychological, sexual and  narcissistic both during childhood and in adulthood on top of being a long serving veteran. now at 50 I suffer from severe CPTSD with psychosis and everyday is hard for me to function, I rarely leave my apartment, I feel stigmatized by the way I look and feel in public my professional career is ruined, no family, only a one long distant friend, repeated hospitalization. I've always a kind, giving, empathetic person and as soon as I got sick everyone turned their backs on me. I blamed myself for a long time for how I've been treated but It simply isn't all my fault. Life shouldn't be this traumatic or lonely, I don't give up but this has been a hard path to walk and the bad far outweighs the good 

4 Replies 4

Cacciatore77
Community Member

Hey MRD mate, nice to hear from you.

 

Sounds like you've been through a lot of hectic shit, and especially Trauma being brought from childhood and then that loaded on top of being a Veteran?! I'll say having the strength to carry that with you into a job that most people with Childhood traumas would crumble doing, including myself, is extremely brave of you, you should feel a lot of pride in that, even if I don't know the ins and outs of being a veteran.

I've recently come to the realisation I've got CPTSD too from mostly childhood traumas. And a big aspect of that as you may know is palming off our pain to the side and saying "Oh it isn't that bad, just have to push on". 

 

You're at least seeing that the Traumas you carry with aren't your fault, or neither is your reaction to the Trauma, I think I get caught up more in the latter. I've always felt like I'm just being a big sook, and unfortunately I've had to realise this is because of the concept of "Betrayal Blindness", where your abuser(s) put you in a state where because you've felt dependent on them, you can't detach from that feeling of care you have for them, despite the horrors they've put you through. Allow yourself to feel anger and what ever emotions come with thinking about it, don't resist any of those feelings.

 

I cant say much more because I'm only 26 just figuring this shit out for myself, but do you have anything else on your mind you'd like to talk about? 

 

I hope we both get ourselves on the right path mate, the one thing I'm doing is just listening and hearing other peoples stories with CPTSD and trauma in general, it helps me feel less alone when Im dealing with things. I have no friends or don't go anywhere either, so it can be hard to get some other perspectives on things.

 

Take Care mate 🙂

Hi Cacciatore77 thanks for your reply I really appreciate it.

 

I feel this forum is a safe space to discuss about CPTSD as I'd feel too uncomfortable doing so in person.

 

Once I started to unpack and address the major traumas I'd experienced during my wartime and operational service I kept having thoughts and dreams about moments from my childhood and adolescence that kept nagging at me and wanting my attention. I can only try and deal with one thing at a time because collectively I become overwhelmed and can't cope. I had to also compartmentalize these horrible experiences so I could see them for what they were and why they kept happened to me. In some family and friendship dynamics the dysfunction that exists requires personality types to play certain roles or have those roles forced upon that individual. Being younger, smaller, honest, empathetic, kind and naive left me open for abuse,  manipulation, gaslighting and scapegoating in its many forms and once that is cast it can keep occurring until it's stopped and you can build and maintain healthy boundaries and are allowed to heal or repair the damage to yourself. I never wanted to play the victim or be a problem but I was left with no alternative when I would misbehave or act out due to how I was was being treated, their denial or complete refusal to acknowledge any or some blame on their part in the incidents occurring would only compound the guilt and shame I felt until I knew I would never be treated with dignity or respect by those individuals and i went no contact. 

 

I have never claimed to be perfect or infallible and I've made plenty of stupid mistakes but never intentionally at the expense of others.

 

Thanks again for your reply I actually feel a little better writing this 👍 cheers, Mrd74

 

 

Hey there again Mrd,

 

Yeah it sounds like your experiences in the military brought those things back up to the surface, similar thing happened to me when I was around 16, started having memories re-emerge, dissociation returned, I started having a nightmare I would often repetitevly have as a child.

 

And I sympathise with that feeling of having to be the one who wanted to change everything, which over time makes you feel somewhat responsible for the Traumas and abuse and I think thats where we get a lot of our guilt from, we start to blaim ourselves for a situation we couldnt escape from. Sounds like this part of your personality is what lead you to the military?

 

  1. Just reading what others like yourself have to say about their experiences with CPTSD is what lead me to the path Im on, I could swear a lot of what youre righting I could've wrote myself, just noticing a lot of the patterns of behaviour I have is experienced by others is somewhat relieving but kind of f-ed up at the same time because I couldnt wish the way I feel on my worst enemy. So ill say thank you for taking the time to share and Im glad writing that put made you feel better, sometimes all we need is to just feel like someone like yourself is listening so you can be assured youre not going insane.

And no human being is perfect, we all make mistakes but you are stonger then you think because unlike mamy you actually have a sense of conscience about your mistakes, and youre not letting those things define you.

 

Again, I hear you and Im happy to help in anyway I can, if theres anything else you want to say, fire away my friend. (No pun intended).

 

Take care of yourself,

 

Cacciatore77.

Eagle Ray
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Mrd74 and wave to Cacciatore77,

 

I just wanted to say I really feel for you and you sound like such a good person who has been through so much (as do you Cacciatore). I am diagnosed with CPTSD as well and I can relate to the pattern of isolating as well as blaming myself for things that I wasn't responsible for. I was scapegoated in my family system too.

 

If it's any encouragement, I am finding that having worked with a good psychologist over the past 2 and a half years I am now finally starting to emerge from isolation and feeling more like I want to connect with the world. So as awful as it is, I think you can begin to recover from complex trauma and heal relational wounds. I think we understandably isolate to self-protect based on our past experiences, but I am really noticing now that instead of running away and hiding from the world in which I have always felt unsafe, I am starting to feel able to be in it more. A key aspect has been learning to really care for and value myself in the way I wasn't as a child.

 

In 2023 my isolation drive was so strong I got in my car and went on two road trips to isolated places by myself. Perhaps not surprisingly at one of them I found a camp existed where veterans go to get away from the world. I realised how strong that isolation drive is. I had been so bad at home I was actually crouched in corners of my home and frozen for hours, totally dissociated. I realised getting in the car and just going was me wanting to break out of that freeze and go into flight mode and expend the locked down trauma energy. It did really help me actually.

 

I think coming out of CPTSD states is rocky and you can kind of get more intensely worse for a bit before you get better. It's kind of like a pendulum swing in one direction as your system starts to try to recalibrate in a healing direction. So what I hope Mrd74 is that even though you are having these episodes with psychosis and hospitalisation, you will eventually kind of start finding an equilibrium where things start to balance out. What I am finding with me is difficult episodes are gradually less intense over time and I'm also able to catch myself out when my inner critic starts giving me a hard time and I'm able to direct kindness towards myself instead. When we didn't receive kindness in childhood it is quite a challenge to learn to do it for ourselves later, but I am learning it is possible to develop it.

 

Anyway, take good care and it's great you reached out and shared your story here. Just by sharing you are helping others.

 

All the best,

Eagle Ray