Gaslighting: Advice for daughter of mother with PTSD

[lil8002]

Hey everyone. So, I am having relationship difficulties with my mum. This has been ongoing since I was 13 (when my parents decided to separate). I am now 22. My father was physically and emotionally abusive to my mum and I can remember only a handful of times he was emotionally abusive to myself and my sibling (he mostly ignored us when in this violent state but when he did notice us it was terrifying). But he always made me feel very scared. My mum has PTSD and when they separated as the eldest I was expected to help a lot. Fast forward to when I was 20. I've moved out of home because I can't get along with my mum at all. She made me do all the housework (iron all her clothes, laundry, feed pets, clean bedrooms, bathroom, living areas, etc) and cook. All while working and studying. This was not a new thing but occurred during high school as well. My sibling rarely helped. 

Since moving out, she has threatened to throw my clothes on the front lawn, take money out of my account - she always threatened but never did this, she used to threaten to smash my car, has told me she would jump out of my car if I didn't take her to lunch when I was driving.

I have slowly been detaching from her. I have most of my things, removed her from my bank account, and changed my address for everything. However, since Christmas I have not seen her. She calls me on the phone and we fight nonstop or she tries to get me to do things for her. She has even tried demanding I come over and clean the house even though I don't live there. She claims she supports me and I only get good marks because of her, etc. She has also said I should pay her money even though she works full-time and I barely get shifts. 

We have been arguing on facebook and she has gone and deleted all her messages that make her look bad. Then tells me I am imaging things. For example, she has said that she never asked me for money currently even though I sent her the screenshot of it. She denied it and said she didn't mean that but having read the message multiple times I don't get her point at all. It sounds like she does want money.

I had my birthday recently and I refused to see her until she owns responsibility for her actions. She said that my birthday was as much her day as mine because she birthed me, demanded I come over because she decorated and has cake even though I have plans and told her so.

I don't know how to fix our relationship. She is the only parent I have left but I don't think I can handle this.

[indigo22]

Hi lil8002,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I'm so sorry you have had such a difficult young life, you have been carrying the burden for you family for a long time, essentially being the parent instead of the child.

I need to ask a few basic questions in order to understand further what has or hasn't been done already.

Has your mother been getting help from a therapist with her PTSD?

Has she made enquiries with support agencies to help with cleaning etc.?

Have you had any help from a counsellor in dealing with all of this?

You are dealing with a lot and you need to be supported through all of this. Your mother is making you responsible for her welfare, when it should be the other way around. I am surprised you have managed as well as you have until now.

I would like to suggest a couple of numbers you can call to speak to someone in real time. You can still continue this conversation and we will be here to support you, but I feel some professional support and advice is what you need right now. Pease put these numbers into your phone so you know you have access to help when you need it.

Kid's Helpline (up to 25 years of age) is available 24/7 on 1800 551 800

1800RESPECT (all ages) is available 24/7 on 1800 737 732

Just explain what has been happening as you have talked about here, they deal with these types of situations regularly and will be able to advise you and refer you if necessary.

Please keep in touch and let me know how things go after you have spoken with them, I would like to support you further if you are comfortable.

Please take care of yourself,

indigo

[lil8002]

Hi Indigo, 

My mother used to see a psychologist and has been diagnosed with PTSD. She hasn't been for a few years now, I am unsure how many. She believes in spirituality and thinks she has cured her PTSD. As for cleaning, my sibling still lives there but from my knowledge does not help that much. I think she just does not want to clean and I don't think she would hire someone, the house isn't badly messy, I think she just uses that as an excuse to attempt to guilt me into helping her.

I did see a psychologist when I was 17 but I don't think it benefited me besides letting me express myself without feeling guilty for putting it all on someone else as they get paid to listen. I am thinking of seeing someone but I am unsure who to contact which is why I thought I would try Beyond Blue.

Thank you for the numbers. 

I just am so used to this behaviour. I remember when I started opening up to people and they would be surprised and tell me it wasn't normal. I am unsure whether it is abuse from my mother which I know in my head it most likely is but it is a hard feeling to explain.

[indigo22]

Hi again,

Thank you for the additional information.

From what you have said, my impression is that your mother has a narcissistic streak, I have a sister who is a narcissist so the behaviour sounds familiar.

I am much older than you, but I would like to share some of my experience with you. My main struggle is with major depression that has been part of my life from an early age. I have lost all of my immediate family now, parents and 2 brothers, my sister is the only one left. For me, I would rather be without family than have to deal with her behaviour, she makes life difficult for everyone around her.

My reason for telling you this, is that it your choice wether or not you want to have a relationship with your mother going forward. If you decide you do, you will need to set some very strong boundaries and stick to them so you are no longer being taken advantage of and cannot be 'guilted' into anything by her. Your mother can only abuse you if you allow it. I remember a time many years ago when I was on the phone with my sister and she was yelling and talking over me, after a short time of that, I simply hung up the phone. If you participate in arguments with her, she will keep doing it, but if you send her the message you will not do it anymore, she will have to find a better way to communicate with you.

You were not born to be her cook and cleaner, your have done enough for her and sacrificed your young years to do so. It is time for you to start living the life you deserve, whatever that looks like to you.

You should be able to get some advice and referrals from the numbers I gave you in regards to finding a counsellor for yourself. If you don't feel comfortable with a counsellor or you don't feel they are helping you, you have every right to continue looking for the right person. I think you can usually tell within the first couple of sessions if it feels right to you.

We will be here when you want to talk.

indigo

[lil8002]

Hi Indigo,

Thank you for sharing. It sounds like you have learnt a lot of hard lessons yourself. Thank you for the advice it has been very helpful.

I saw my mother today for my late birthday (as I mentioned, I haven't seen her since Christmas). I only went because she has apologized to me over text. So I went.

It was okay for a while but then she brought up me unblocking her on Facebook since "we are trying to fix things" as she said. But I told her I didn't want to yet because she had unsent most of her messages to me, which means if you look on the chat, you can see the text bubble but no words. She deleted the messages where she was mean to me. 

I told her I didn't want to talk about it and that I'm here now essentially trying to resolve things but not ready to add her back on their. Mainly because she makes me question if I'm actually the one in the wrong, if I should be nicer to her but inside me I know I'm not imagining the things she has said or the way she has treated me.

I got very overwhelmed and started yelling at her that I didn't want to talk about it. She was calm but (I know I am biased because this is from my POV, but I think she was calm because my sibling was there too and my mum has said and done a lot of things in the past when my sibling hasn't been around to notice) then asked me if I had anything to be sorry about.

I said no. 

My sibling came out and told me to stop yelling. I said I was going to leave and my sibling said I am on a power trip. I was shocked. My sibling is always in the middle, never really taking sides and they said that after I had explained some instances where I thought mum had been abusive to me. Some I have mentioned to you. My sibling then told me to leave and I did.

My mum spent a lot of money on me for my birthday but I feel as though it is to make up for how she treats me or to hide it behind "look at all I do for you."

I am very confused on how I am supposed to feel.

Thank you for the numbers and thank you for talking. This has really helped to speak with you.

[indigo22]

Hi again lil8002,

I am glad that you have found our conversations to be of some help. I have indeed learned some hard lessons over the years, it is why I decided to join the forums. It took a long time to gain the experience that I now have and if I could go back, I would do many things differently. Since I am unable to do that, I can at least try to help those who are going through difficulties using my experience and hope they can avoid similar mistakes.

I have put a link below to my first post on the forums to give a bit more background on who I am

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/welcome-and-orientation/new-to-the-forums/td-p/566648

I want to make sure you know I will be here should you wish to talk about anything.

indigo