First Visit

[Ween]

Forum noob, and so BB forum extra noob with noob on top. So I have reached my maximum pain tolerance level of recent weeks. Have been living a particular designation of psychological anguish the past 3-4 years (I don’t even know how long anymore), but the depth and force of depression and grief feelings have been turned to a level beyond my capacity to endure nearly a month ago. CSA survivor, raped and kidnapped at 14, later stabbed resulting in disability, beaten by a bunch of pissed teens, but got lucky this time that cops were watching them and pulled them off me. I was a lone female returning from work at 7pm. So I suspect being the worthless vehicle for others anger, rage, or whatever has probably affected me a wee bit. About a month ago I got robbed again, and you know what? I bloody surrender. I quit. I am handing in my notice. Effective immediately. Not poor me. No foot stamping or wails or fists to the heavens crying “it’s not fair”! Of course it’s not. And why not me? And suck it up sad sack I say agin and again to myself. Along with a lifetimes worth of self directed disgust, despair, and denigration because I owe it to the world to not be part of the problem. There is another way too. No, I am not able to be part of the solution. Removing myself ensures my badness won’t taint the good and the beautiful and the worthy and the striving and the deserved. The offensive stereotype comes home to roost. Damaged goods. I can’t fight the badness anymore. Inside or out.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ween,

Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you decided to join us here. We understand that it takes a lot of strength to share your story, it's not an easy thing to do, but it's so important that you have. We're so sorry to hear what you've been through- it's something that no one should ever have to experience. We can hear how overwhelming things are right now, but please know that you don't have to go through this alone. You've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk about your thoughts and feelings, and our wonderful community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We are also currently reaching out to you via email as we are worried about you. 

We'd strongly recommend getting in touch with 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to support to women who have been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or at https://www.1800respect.org.au/ ​​​​​​​
You are also always welcome to talk through these feelings with one of our professional mental health counsellors at Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you find some comfort in the forums, and please feel free to keep checking in here on your thread to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

 

[Croix]

Dear Ween~

First off I regret the length of time before you got a reply, it is not you and it is not the subject of your post, it is a system that does not always behave as we would like.

I'd have to say the world has handed you a very hard road to travel, many would not have made it this far. I do not know why it is but many people that are treated by sub-humans as the objects of their cruelty and lust come to blame themselves, think they are of less worth than 'normal' people and that for some reason less entitled to a good life.

It's completely wrong of course, though I suspect trying to convince you of that will be hard. Having read your story I see you as "the good and the beautiful and the worthy and the striving and the deserved", not other people.

My hopes your disability is not major and that the robbery did not leave you too broke are genuine, but only words on the screen.

I don't know much about you but perseverance shine's though from your past, as does a way of talking that is expressive and effective. Plus a dash of -I don't know - that made you post here.

When I wanted to kill my self with nothing left in life -or so I believed, that was not much anyone could say I'd believe. PTSD, depression and anxiety had narrowed down my view of the world to hopelessness, self blame and nothing better.

I was shown something to cling to to get my mind away, fantasy books. A kind nurse gave them to me. More years later that I'd want to think about I still read similar. Though I'm a changed person. Not 'cured' but capable of a life that is pretty good, with love given and received, support the same, and an occupation that makes me feel good bout myself -accomplishment.

So I've done all the talking Ween, perhaps you would like to talk back, I'm not so far removed from you I'd find it all strange and alien, quite the reverse. My injuries were not yours, but we have both been injured by those that to put it politely, regard others as expendable.

Your picture is restful and away from hassles. may I ask why you chose it?

I hope you reply

Croix

[White_Rose]

Dear Ween

Thank you so much for getting in contact with this forum. Not an easy thing to do I know so many congratulations. Like Croix I have been in your place and know the awfulness we have found there. Again as Croix has mentioned, the victim almost always blames them selves for the harm done to them. There ia nothing in your post that suggests you have done anything wrong. You cannot change the past but you can start to live more fully in the future. Please talk to your GP about getting help or phone one of numbers Sophie has provided.

Mary