Feeling totally lost

[VictoriaI]

All my life I have struggled with my parents being emotionally abusive and on a few occasions physically abusive. I also feel like I have been sexually abused in my childhood but have trouble remembering.
This has caused me a lot of pain and suffering in my own head. As I grow older I fear more and more that I won't be able to shake these blues (joke). I avoid female friendships and struggle when I am in them. I feel like I attract a lot of negativity and it's all my fault, everything bad in my life is on me. I deserve it because I'm a bad person.
I'm always on the look out for the next worst thing.
I'm trying to keep reminding myself that I shouldn't beat myself up to much. I haven't really known a world any different. Things are hard right now and I can't shake jealous feelings I have and social anxiety. I guess I just wanted to vent because I'm feeling that burn out feeling. I'm trying so hard to be healthy and sometimes it just seems impossible. I feel guilty if I start to feel a little bit better.
Ugh haha I hope everyone is feeling a little bit better than I am lol and is doin well

[Sophie_M]

Hi Victorial,

We are so grateful that you have reached out here to the forums today. We know it isn't easy but it's so important that you have. We are really sorry to hear what you have been through through your childhood, we understand that this must be causing you pain even now as you grow older. We think you are such a strong person for having gone through so much and still are able to be so positive and self-aware of your thoughts and feelings.

Please know you've come to a safe, non-judgmental place and our community is here to offer as much support and advice as you need. If you feel that it would be beneficial to you to talk through your feelings and experiences with a counsellor, please, contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way. Hopefully, other members of our wonderful community will be along soon to offer you more words of wisdom and advice.

[Croix]

Dear VictoriaI~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here and give you the same assurance, it is a safe place and there is care and understanding here.

The first thing is that venting -or sayng how things are -is very necessary. It is not a sign of weakness, but realy common sense - it leave you less alone.

Having abusive parents, if they are doing it verbally or physically is just not on, and will, as you are finding, leaving you feeling lost and most probably blaming yourself. I don't know why this happens but so many who have been badly treated get great feelings of guilt, failure and lack of hope

Parents are supposed to give their children a stable loving base and retreat, not make things worse. Without that love and security being lost and having difficulties in relationships is no surprise at all. you have no example to go by for a start.

I had a sightly different path to my illness ( PTSD, depression and anxiety) than you . Also had the most difficult of times with my parents.

On top if there is any chance you were sexually abused a a child -and no you do not have to remember properly about it - then matters become even more urgent to get you the proper skilled and sympathetic assistance you need. Here I'm talking of medical support. I have had this for longer than I can easily remember and it has made the world of difference. I now ENJOY life and have accomplishment and hope (and make jokes:).

I remember getting started with medical help seemed very hard in advance, however when I came to trust someone things became so much easier.

I do not know your age, if you are under 25 then there is also the Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800) and also chat:

https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling/

As they are good there can be waiting times, but at least you can contact them more than once and not have to keep repeating yourself. If you are older sing out and we will give you more alternatives.

You can look on me as an example of someone who was just as confused, anxious, guilty and all the horrible rest of it and has gone on to lead a better life, there is really a ton of hope

Please come back and talk some more, we would very much like to know what you think and if you are able to contact someone (not always esy)

Croix