Family covered up sexual abuse

[Elle42]

My uncle tried to groom me starting from when I was 12 (He would pay special attention to me). I didn't realise his intentions until I was about 14 and he started sending me emails that were inappropriate. At first I just emailed back until a particular email confirmed the way he felt about me. At the same time, my parents told me they would organise a skiing holiday for me in new Zealand where my uncle lives. His wife (mums sister) would come to Australia for a visit while I would go there and be with my uncle and my two cousins. I realised that this way his way of getting me all alone so he could potentially do more than just flirt by email. I told my mum and she said she would keep me safe and make sure I was never alone with him and to cut off emails with him.

She said we couldn't tell anyone else because it would hurt our family. I didn't have to see my uncle often, but he would come to Australia for big family events. When I was around 24 I told my aunty what had happened. My aunty almost seemed relieved as he had accused her of being crazy every time she got angry about his attention to younger girls. She still didn't want others to know and I respected that.

Now I'm 27 and in therapy again for some recent panic attacks. The night of my last appointment we talked about my mum covering this up I was a mess. All I could think about was what he did and how she valued everyone else's feelings over my own. I kept thinking what if he abused me as a young child and I don't remember (I realise this is unlikely but I'm a paranoid person and don't remember much of my early childhood due to bullying). I didn't go to work the next day and spent it either asleep or crying. That night I rang my mum still in a bad state and asked her if she could talk to my aunty about uninviting my uncle to my wedding in October. I said maybe he could say he needs to work or make another excuse. My mum's response initially was that it would be an awkward conversation for her but I explained what had hurt me so much and how it still does. She agreed to talk to my aunty. The next day she told me that she ended up telling my dad. I haven't talked to her since and I'm nervous to hear what happened when she talked to my aunty and to know how my dad is taking it. I'm happy he knows but it's all a lot right now. I've felt so on edge all week.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Elle

There’s a few sensory/somatic oriented approaches I’m aware of - sensorimotor psychotherapy, somatic experiencing and Hakomi. They or may not be the right thing for you but just thought I’d mention them in case you want to explore them. I’ve done somatic experiencing which I was drawn to as it went below the level of the cognitive, thinking brain to where deeply held memories are stored in the nervous system at a somatic level, and I knew that’s where I needed help. But everyone is different with what resonates with them. I dissociate a lot so I empathise. I find it’s getting a bit better as I process over time. I think knowing it’s how your mind-body has acted in the past to protect you can help, and it’s gradually establishing safety in the present which can begin to alleviate it somewhat as you become more grounded in the present. I find gardening helps too. All the best with your studies and healing.

[Elle42]

Another update I guess if anyone is interested. I ended up getting legal advice in regards to my police report that in NSW grooming isn't illegal on its own. If it was sharing explicit content or physical abuse yes but not just the grooming itself. This was frustrating to hear but I was told that the NZ law is different so if I can manage to get a report on their system something may happen. Trouble is as I'm not a resident there I can't report to police directly. I tried speaking with the family violence court advocate service to get more answers from police. I also rang the local police to ask if they had spoken to NZ detectives or if they could pass that onto them. Unfortunately as they found no evidence of anything criminal they said they cannot pass this matter on to NZ police. However the officer told me to try ringing their equivalent of crime stoppers because they would take the report regards of where I live as it is anonymously. I did chose to give the truth of where I live and my name but stressed that I thought he may have abused others through the local school that he did a school program with teenagers. I really do hope this at least leave a paper trail there even if they do not follow it up.

[Elle42]

The even harder update is that I confronted my parents to tell them about my police report. To tell them how the actions of covering it up hurt me. And to tell them that I would be sharing it with other family members (including my mum's other sister). It's just too hard for me otherwise at family gatherings having to sit through them innocently talking about my abuser. I also made the difficult choice to tell his children (my cousins). They fully support and believe me and will be confronting their dad. I can't help but feel I've dropped a bomb on these family members but overall everyone had been very validation and supportive.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Elle42

It’s great you’ve had the courage to follow through with all of those things. It’s sounds like you are getting practical info and advice from the authorities even if they are not able to take it further, at least for now.

I’m really glad you’ve had validation and support from family members. It can make a big difference. I think it actually helps you heal too. It sounds like your uncle will have to face his actions at some level, in the context of family at least.

 I hope you feel some sense of relief that you’ve communicated these things and how they’ve impacted you. Finding your voice and speaking the truth can be a catalyst for healing, especially when you have some support around you. Take care and all the best going forward.