Do I have what it takes to fight the good fight?

[Beth_co]

Hi everyone

I've lived on adrenaline my whole life without knowing it until my mind broke. I had to learn how to slow down, rest and be calm. I've become so good at it though, life just passes me by while I waste away in my lonely home.

What happened to the woman everyone knew would always step up to the plate when the proverbial stuff hit the fan?

I'll tell you where she's gone; she's sitting on the bench! She's/I've forgotten how to fight. To be back in the game striving to win and make a difference hasn't been more important than now. I'm not 'there' for me!

They say our MH needs calm, mindfulness and recovery. But what happens when recovery becomes habitual? Where's my passion gone? My will; my 'game'?

I've fought the good fight to survive which meant healing my brain and learning who I am, who I've been and different ways to cope. It's worked like a dream. The kickback though has been addiction to isolation and laziness and, not a thought for who I want to be.

I stood on my deck today with a cuppa questioning my decision to be this way. Sure, I'm safe and away from triggering influences, but at what cost?

Something awful happened to my child and I didn't fight for him. I'll never come back from that. It seems I'm doing the same thing to myself. This is my conclusion.

My once precious home has become my prison; items hoarded in rooms, untidy and even dirty. I'm ashamed. I started walking the deck; back and forth contemplating what to do. "Just move." came to mind.

Getting back into the thick of it means risking my MH. Or does it? How far have I come? Enough to care about/for myself?

What do you think?

[Croix]

Dear Beth&co~

I don't understand all that has happened to you, I do know you said you had CPSD, which is a very much life-altering thing.

So no, you may not be exactly the same person you were, but sayng you have forgotten how to fight is simply wrong - you are fighting now, wondering about balancing action and risk.Yes the stakes may seem high.

As I do not know your circumstances I don't know waht the risks are, you did mention a Centerlink Pension, perhaps you are worried if you go a certain path you will lose it.

I doubt the situation is an all-or-nothing one. True being in your house, and regarding oyurself as having become addicted to loneliness and inaction makes things worse.

So what would be a small step? One without risk, but able to alter things a little? Do you have any ideas?

Croix

[DannyG]

Hi Beth&co

i actually found your post really helpful. You ask do you have what it takes to fight and I think you have - it sounds like you are in a state of mindfulness and not running on adrenaline I think that’s wonderful. It sounds to me like you have this but things are slightly different now that you aren’t the adrenaline person anymore? I think that’s just adjusting to changing from go go go to not so much go. That’s not nessecarily a bad thing just different.

I may be misunderstanding and what I’m posting may not be helping you but I think you have got this- sounds like it to me. Just different challenges now manifesting in different ways.

[Beth_co]

Hey DannyG and Criox

Thankyou for the much welcome and warm responses. I'm not sure how I was hlepful, (Danny) just knowing's nice though.

Urgent decision making has become frustrating. Too many options aren't clear cut as they intertwine with each other. Since things hit the skids a few years back, my ability to prioritise has deteriorated. Having accepted this, I've been trying to find ways to cope differently than my old self did. It hasn't been easy.

This new phase of recovery has thrown me for six. Getting through each stage usually prepares me to cope with the next. I do have cptsd by the way, which causes deep fear of consequences.

As I see it, the DSP's a way to prolong the calm of recovery which means 'Safety'. Working, which is what's thrown a fly in the ointment, is an attractive option money wise. I've been offered a job that pays substantially better than most, full-time or casual if I want it, but there's some risk involved.

After I created this thread, I thought about working one day a week. This would put around $400 towards living costs which means I keep Centrelink benefits.

This may sound ridiculously simple to some, but for me it's been tortuously hard.

Thankyou again for replying.

[Croix]

Dear Beth&co~

I guess I'd have to say first off that I'd only do anything if I had a strong doctor on my side able to deal with Centerlink, that way if things do not go to plan you have an ally to ensue you are no worse off.

While you are on full DSP and not working it can sometimes be rather hard to estimate your own capabilities, you may be stronger and more capable than you think, or maybe less so. Without anything to guide you it is a bit of an unknown - with consequences.

I've found that working is more than money, it has been a way to ease back towards a structured life, self esteem and improvement in my condition, however I'm not at all sure starting full on would have worked.

Do you see any real downsides or risks in trying that one day per week? Seeing how you go for a reasonable period during which things will go right and things will go wrong - and then reassessing things with a view to doing less, staying the same, or doing more ?

Croix