Did Consensual Sexual Experiences as a Child Traumatise Me?

[lilafish]

When I was a little girl (from age 7 to 10), my best friend (from age 7 - 10) and I experimented sexually together. I never felt violated by it at the time, in fact I would consider it all to be consensual. But now, at age 21, I have come to realise my early sexual experiences and experimentations have left me traumatised.

I don't know how to explain this, or even how to tell anyone about it. It's been eating me up inside.

Does anyone else relate to me? Am I crazy?

[Quercus]

Hi Lilafish and welcome to the forums.

No you're not crazy.

I remember feeling confused about my sexuality at your age because of childhood memories. It left me feeling awkward and confused and guilty and ashamed and upset without really being able to understand why.

Like you some of my earliest memories of feeling like a sexual human being were with close friends. My best friend's mum was a massage therapist and aromatherapist. So as kids do we pretended to be the same. It was innocent but at the same time confusing. I suspect because I had not realised before then that it might feel nice to be touched on bare skin.

As I grew older I saw those memories differently. Because in my mind I felt love for my friend and enjoyed her touching me. Did that make me a lesbian? Was I wrong to let her? Was it wrong for me to like it? So why do I enjoy blokes then? Am I perverted. Yeah you get the picture. Confusion. Guilt. Worry.

But sexual experimentation is normal. In high school a girlfriend and I would go skinny dipping and she asked me the same question. Is it weird that I feel good being naked with you? I shrugged and said no idea but if it helps I feel the same.

I'm married to a man. Have never experimented with a woman or wanted to. And yet in those memories I wanted to. Because I was a giant ball of hormones I guess? No idea. I still feel the same love but now older I recognise it for what it is... Love of a good friend.

I just want you to know you're not alone. And not crazy. And that speaking to a professional if you feel traumatised by these experiences is a good idea. They're not going to judge you as I suspect they'll have heard it many times before.

Nat

[geoff]

hello Lilafish, welcome to the forum and what you have told us is when you were very young, remember most of us did things that we don't do now, that's part of growing up, learning and maturing.

Take for example, when we were picking up any cigarette butts and smoking them, the taste and after effect of how your mouth feels is why we don't smoke now, it's a learning curve we go through, and that's why I don't smoke.

You are not crazy at all, I remember kids at school would go into the opposite botanical gardens at lunchtime, smoke and have a drink, all of this was forbidden but they still did it and they were 16 and 17 years old.

At a young age of 7-10, the only way to learn is to find out, ask questions and compare, there is nothing wrong with this.

My son told me something he did as a youngster and that no one else knows about, all I did was accept it as part of his growing up, no harm was done and it was consensual. Geoff.