Denial of sexual abuse in extended family

[Eagle Ray]

Potentially distressing content warning 

Hi, I’m currently trying to bring myself to communicate with an extended family member regarding her ongoing denial of four years of sexual abuse done to a cousin when she was a child. In fact she pretends the person abused doesn’t exist. The mother of this child (different to above person) blamed her daughter for the abuse and abandoned her. The perpetrator got away with it. This same perpetrator attempted to groom me as a child but I was fortunately never alone with him. Another relative did as well in front of other family including my parents who did nothing to stop his behaviour, but again I was never completely alone and apart from suggestive comments and being leered at and asked to do things for him, nothing actually happened. He later went to prison for abusing another under-age person.

 I’m not sure my question fits here because it’s primarily about the abuse of someone else. But what I’d like to know is how have others handled denial of sexual abuse in families and the ongoing lies and cover ups that can go on for years? As a younger adult I have experienced two sexual assaults and so I feel all the more angry about how the abuse of a family member is denied. I refuse to pretend the person doesn’t exist and I have nothing to do with her mother who abandoned her. The other family member is trying to get me to connect with the mother and I will not do this.

This keeps coming up at the moment and I’m thinking of writing a letter to the family member I’m struggling with right now. I believe she tries to cover up the abuse because she has been scared for years to rock the boat. But I feel I have to rock the boat even though it’s likely to be destructive of my relationship with family members.

 I only found out about the abuse of this cousin in my 20s when my parents told me, years after it occurred. The perpetrator died recently which has put a spotlight back on this issue. Has anyone had to handle something like this? What did you do? How did it go? I have a feeling it’s going to go badly but I refuse to play the denial game. I have never met the cousin in question as she was ex-communicated from her family decades ago. I’m only recently discovering the extent to which other family have gone to cover up the abuse and it’s upsetting me. My parents have died so I can’t discuss it with them now.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear mmMeKitty

That is such a wise and thoughtful response. Thank you.

 
I feel what you say is so true - that feeling and accepting our own emotions is the beginning of understanding and respecting the emotions of others. About just 36 hours ago I was of the opinion my relationship with my relative was over. In that short time, because I’ve truly allowed myself to feel and know my own emotions, I’ve shifted to a position of compassion for her fearfulness that I know drives the behaviours she’s been directing at me. When looked at that way, it becomes less personalised. I still don’t know if there’s a salvageable relationship there, but I’m much calmer and less angry now. I had to let myself be and feel angry in order to become more peaceful, leading me to feel more reconciled with the behaviour of others.

The really cruel treatment of my cousin who was abused is still going to bring anger because it was so utterly wrong. That is where I think it is a case, as you say, of telling yourself what you need to hear in the absence of others doing it. I really hope my cousin has been able to do this for herself. I feel what she’s had to deal with is harder than what I’ve dealt with.

 I think anyone who’s experienced trauma needs to do exactly what you’ve said, find the support elsewhere they never got or find a way to give themselves that care. Often we need that guidance from another initially (such as a therapist or mentor or friend…) to set off that healing potential for self-care within ourselves.

With regard to the pieces of childhood being put back together, I feel there is a true essence of ourselves that was there from the start and survives through everything, including the brokenness, lostness and disconnect. And somehow the bits that got broken and damaged become our wisdom and deepen our compassion. There is a quote “Love is the acceptance of all things as they are without reservation.” When you reach that point you’ve made peace with the world, knowing it’s imperfect and that pain and hurt exist, but you meet it with a loving, open and accepting heart.

 I hear you with family where small talk happens instead of the deeper conversations we hope for. I think you’re right, sometimes there’s nothing we can do unless they are ready.

Hugzies to you too mmMeKitty 

[mmMekitty]

Hi ER, wondering if you think you could have a separate relationship with your cousin involving none of those family members who reject her?

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Eagle Ray]

Hi mmMeKitty

I’d first have to find a way of contacting her. I’m not sure if anyone has a contact and I suspect she may go by her biological father’s surname. I’m sure she wouldn’t use her stepfather’s. Feeling quite sad at the moment about extended family. I’m feeling like everything I once understood as family and part of my identity is disintegrating around me. But I think that’s part of a renewal process I’m going through. I’m going to try and find an old family tree that I know included her.

Thanks for your thoughtfulness and kindness mmMeKitty

[Croix]

Dear Eagle Ray~

I think MK is quite right, if those who should do not support you then finding others who do is. At least at the start it helps you support yourself, though doing so in isolation is not always ideal

You do sound a little more settled now and I'm glad. As you pointed out the only positive thing you can do is try and support your missing cousin if you can find them. If that family tree is held by someone in your family that might be a good start.

There are genealogy websites that can assist too, though there is a trap. If any offer a 'months free trial' do not be caught out like Mrs C who had to pay for a years subscription because she did not specifically cancel the trial by the due date.

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you so much for your caring comments Croix. You and MM really helped me when I was feeling vulnerable. I’m quite used to solving things in isolation as that has been my norm since I was a child. But I’m hoping to gradually feel more integrated and connected with the world (and myself). I can feel that starting to happen.

 I don’t know anything about my cousin’s current life and if she even wants contact with extended family of origin. My Dad actually wrote out a family tree by hand that he made photocopies of and I remember she is on it. We have a very large extended family so it was quite a task for my Dad. I believe it may be in boxes of stuff I’m yet to go through.

Hopefully she has made her own life and has found peace and healing.

[Croix]

Dear Eagle Ray~

It's a good idea to consider you cousin's state of mind, though when one has been injured like htat  sometimes things are just 'papered over' and close to the surface - as I'm sure you would be aware.

Then another can be a help, one can feel less alone and more importantly believed. However not only does your approach have to be the one needed -and at the right itme, but your cousin has to have reached the stage to see people as individuals in their own right - not just as family members.

Good luck with the boxes

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Croix. She’d be quite a few years older than me. I don’t know anything about how things are for her now.

Yes I know what you mean about things just being ‘papered over’. A lot can be sitting just beneath the surface. I’ve got a lot of trauma stuff that’s just pouring it’s way out of me at the moment after it’s been lodged in me for a long time. I feel very raw, but I know that’s part of the process so just allowing it as best I can.

[Croix]

Dear Eagle Ray~

Frankly I've no idea if your plan to contact you cousin -even if possible -is good or bad, I do know however that under the right circumstances someone that unconditionally believes and understands can be a life-changing thing, and if anyone is in a position to understand you do.

I doubt age difference will mean a lot.

You did say "I’ve got a lot of trauma stuff that’s just pouring it’s way out of me at the moment " and I would like to ask what support you have. While it is fine and caring to look to your cousin's welfare it is good  if you have someone to lean on at times when you are raw. Is there anyone, another family member or a friend perhaps?

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Croix

Thank you once again for your kind concern and thoughtfulness.

I do not know if I will come into contact with my cousin either, nor whether or not that is a good thing. I think time and intuition will indicate the best course of action. But you are absolutely correct - being truly seen and heard is the most healing thing possible for anyone who has been through any trauma, especially where their experience has been denied by others. So should I meet her I would just be there for her with that kind of unconditional presence.

As for support I have, it has been very limited over the years in that I’ve kind of existed alone with my struggles. This is because of the family patterns I grew up with where it wasn’t safe to ask for help. So as an adult my isolation has been partly through my own feeling of not believing it’s safe to share with others, and not wanting to burden them with my troubles based on knowing they have their own in lives to deal with.

But I have slowly learned over time to ask for help. I have a very good psychologist. I have just a few key friends and relatives now I can talk to a bit which means a great deal to me, but they still don’t know the most difficult things I deal with as I tend to protect them from stuff I’m not sure they can deal with or might worry them too much.

But I’m also doing a course at the moment that relates to complex trauma and I had a profound healing experience with that today, where I felt truly seen and heard. I’m not sure I’m able to explain that all here just now, but I’m on a healing journey and stuff is shifting.

And of course kind souls such as yourself and others on this forum have really helped me, including at times where I’ve felt really desperate. So I am eternally grateful for that 🙏

[Croix]

Dear Eagle Ray~

I'm glad you have people you can talk to. I found there is the trap of thinking you are protecting people when in fact it is reluctance to talk. I felt that way about disclosing suicideality, but later lookng back realized the people I thought I was protecting were stronger than I'd credited them.

It can be hard to judge how robust people are and how they will react at times.

I'm glad you are gaining from that course, sometimes it can help sort out what is oneself and what is symptoms.

Croix