Denial of sexual abuse in extended family

Eagle Ray · ‎04-03-2023

Potentially distressing content warning

Hi, I’m currently trying to bring myself to communicate with an extended family member regarding her ongoing denial of four years of sexual abuse done to a cousin when she was a child. In fact she pretends the person abused doesn’t exist. The mother of this child (different to above person) blamed her daughter for the abuse and abandoned her. The perpetrator got away with it. This same perpetrator attempted to groom me as a child but I was fortunately never alone with him. Another relative did as well in front of other family including my parents who did nothing to stop his behaviour, but again I was never completely alone and apart from suggestive comments and being leered at and asked to do things for him, nothing actually happened. He later went to prison for abusing another under-age person.

I’m not sure my question fits here because it’s primarily about the abuse of someone else. But what I’d like to know is how have others handled denial of sexual abuse in families and the ongoing lies and cover ups that can go on for years? As a younger adult I have experienced two sexual assaults and so I feel all the more angry about how the abuse of a family member is denied. I refuse to pretend the person doesn’t exist and I have nothing to do with her mother who abandoned her. The other family member is trying to get me to connect with the mother and I will not do this.

This keeps coming up at the moment and I’m thinking of writing a letter to the family member I’m struggling with right now. I believe she tries to cover up the abuse because she has been scared for years to rock the boat. But I feel I have to rock the boat even though it’s likely to be destructive of my relationship with family members.

I only found out about the abuse of this cousin in my 20s when my parents told me, years after it occurred. The perpetrator died recently which has put a spotlight back on this issue. Has anyone had to handle something like this? What did you do? How did it go? I have a feeling it’s going to go badly but I refuse to play the denial game. I have never met the cousin in question as she was ex-communicated from her family decades ago. I’m only recently discovering the extent to which other family have gone to cover up the abuse and it’s upsetting me. My parents have died so I can’t discuss it with them now.

Eagle Ray · ‎25-03-2023

Dear Croix and Purple2b

Yes, I think the memories become integrated so they lose their charge and how they affect us. It doesn’t necessarily mean they no longer have any effect, but they are no longer debilitating or all-consuming.

From what I’ve learned and experienced myself, the memory doesn’t get properly integrated at the time of the trauma because we often dissociate, which is a natural survival response and self-protection mechanism. That is what gets us through at the time.

But with PTSD we get chronically stuck in a mix of fight-or-flight or freeze. The latter is where we really dissociate. So methods like EMDR help the brain and nervous revise the memory and integrate it. It then isn’t running us anymore as a structurally dissociated part. It’s just part of what we’ve been through and we can process and integrate it and our nervous system becomes balanced and regulated again. I think this is the stepping outside instead of being trapped and reacting that you are describing Croix.

I’ve done a method called somatic experiencing which worked very well for me for specific traumatic incidents. My body got to live out what it wanted to do at the time but couldn’t, but in a gentle, titrated way that was not overwhelming. This greatly alleviated so many things, including major breathing problems I was having.

I’ve still had protracted grief and my psychologist was going to try EMDR for that, but I’ve had some profound healing in the past week and may not need that now. Like you Purple2b I was a bit worried about EMDR, but I think in my case it was because I’d done another method some time back called EFT with a practitioner I didn’t feel comfortable with, and I think I was transferring my feelings about that to EMDR.

I think the most important thing is that you feel safe and comfortable with the practitioner you are working with. I think I would be safe to do it with my current psych as I trust and feel safe with her. So I send you support and encouragement. You are courageous working through these things. Take care and sending you kind, supportive energy.

Croix · ‎30-03-2023

Dear Eagle Ray~

I had an interesting conversation with someone who assists those that have been abused in the past. We were talking about those people who find that everyone related to the abuse has passed away and are at a loss as to how to settle things in their mind.

Now I'm not suggesting that this necessarily applies to you, however I thought you might be interested anyway. Their experience was that a formal complaint to the police - even with the perpetrator dead - could sometimes be a very useful thing to do. It may assist the person making the complaint feel better, and in some cases may even unexpectedly assist others where there has been an allegation that was not been proven.

Please do not think I'm recommending anything, just offering up information you may find of interest.

Croix

Eagle Ray · ‎30-03-2023

Thank you Croix

If I do get to meet this cousin that’s something to consider. I can imagine it can potentially be a relief, like somehow the crime has been witnessed by the authorities. I’ve been uncovering some further family info that I came across in the middle of last night. I feel like I’m putting puzzle pieces together.

I’ve experienced prior assaults as well including one by a health professional. I was too young and scared to report it at the time. I then suffered guilt for not reporting it, and yet you know your life could get so much worse if you do in that you then have to go through so much. I did tell one family member who had no support to offer. I wasn’t aware of any support services then though I think they would have existed. I completely blocked both the assaults I went through in memory, like they never happened, until they came back into consciousness a few months ago. Anyway, at the moment I’m trying to heal and I feel like I’ve processed the impact of those events. If other cases arose re: the health professional I might feel able to do something, but on my own I feel like the process would be very destructive to me without proof of what happened. I don’t really want to think about that. I just want to get well and heal myself and be a happy human being. That’s what I’m working towards.

Elle42 · ‎31-03-2023

Hi Eagle Ray,

I'm sorry to hear that these unpleasant experiences have been brought up for you and that there has been so much denial. I resonate with your statement about being groomed but being safe - I was groomed by my uncle however it never got to physical abuse. It can be hard to explain the traumatic effect of grooming itself. For me I told my mum about the flirtatious emails I was getting as a 14 year old because they were organising a holiday where he would have been my primary carer. Unfortunately my mum thought the best option was to hide the abuse because she didn't want to lose her relationship with that family (her sister). Somehow the cover up feels worse than the actual abuse. Im 30 now but it was recently brought up for me when my great uncle was sentenced for historic sexual abuse from when he was a teacher. And hearing my family make excuses and diminish what he did really brought up my on family secret. Unfortunately people don't like to believe what makes them uncomfortable. I told my aunty when I was about 25 in a moment where I was a bit emotional hearing of her own daughters mental health issues. She believed me straight away but asked me to keep is to myself so that her family wouldn't be cut off. She even told me of her suspicions about other girls and how he made her feel crazy. My dad learned of the abuse a couple of years ago when I asked my mum to make sure my uncle didn't attend my wedding. I remember her response of "well that will be an awkward conversation for me." My dad never spoke to me directly about it but he never talked to my uncle again. #1

Elle42 · ‎31-03-2023

#2 Last October my aunty died of cancer. I went to see my dad while my mum was in New Zealand (where my aunty lived) to make sure he was ok. He chose to bring up my uncle and told me how angry he was that he didn't know. He told me I should get over "these things." My siblings now know as well and while one had been supportive the other simply made sure I had someone else to talk to about it. I gave my mum grace to talk to me about my uncle as she is grieving but eventually I had to tell her that I didn't want to hear his name and that a dr mentioned I might have PTSD. Talking it over more with my psychologist I decided to make a police report a few weeks ago. It was hard to read over those emails again with an officer. Showing them the artsy video still on YouTube that he made including my face and the faces of other young girls.

At first they seemed like they might investigate and said I would talk to a detective. The next day they informed me it didn't meet the legal criteria of grooming and that I wasn't in any danger. So here I am feeling like I'm 14 again, trying to avoid family and struggling not to be dissociated all day. I'm not sure this helps you but I wanted you to know you aren't alone in trying to get family to face things. My own mum continued to holiday with my abuser. My aunt stayed married to him. My extended family is unaware and I have to see my mum's other sister tomorrow at a family gathering and just hope she doesn't say his name. I really hope you can manage to get some closure and recognition from your family.

Eagle Ray · ‎31-03-2023

Thank you kindly Elle42 for your response and I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. That feeling of family being in denial is really hard. I remember being at a family gathering age 13 and being cornered by one of my relatives (who later went to prison for sexual assault) and having to deal with his disturbing, sleazy behaviour and inappropriate requests. This all happened in the same room as several other adults including my parents, and no one came to my rescue even though I’m sure at least someone saw what was going on. I was already a frightened child and it added to my sense of vulnerability in the world that you are on your own and not protected. Maybe that is what you are still feeling now, especially after feeling dismissed with the police report. Anyway, I can see you have a separate post about your situation, so I’ll have a look there and see if I can think of anything that might help.

Sej · ‎09-04-2023

I haven't read through the replies, so I could be way off topic here, but my extended family denied my abuse. They called me every name under the sun from family wrecker to sl#t. This was when I was taking my step grandfather to court. To this day none have ever spoken to me about it, and none have apologised. It is very hurtful, and I have disowned my extended family because of it. My grandmother stood by my abuser through court, and all my family stood by her. My mother still stood by her for everything.

Well done on not wanting it to be swept under the carpet anymore . You could be helping others who are too scared to speak up.

Eagle Ray · ‎09-04-2023

Dear Sej, I am so sorry that happened to you. You are so incredibly brave and I so respect how you are working through things towards healing. Being abandoned by family is the most painful thing. I hope you can take in the love of those who support you and are there for you and that that can help heal some of the injury you’ve been through.

As I uncover things in my own extended family I keep finding more that potentially explains, but doesn’t excuse, certain behaviours. Based on recent info I think the relative who abandoned her daughter may have experienced incestuous abuse herself, which could be such a deeply buried, painful thing for her that it could be why she blamed and attacked her own daughter for the abuse she experienced. I think there are multilayered family secrets. The further back the generations go the more this stuff was buried and never spoken about.

I only hope that as sexual abuse is increasingly recognised as a real issue and is more openly discussed in the media and society that it is no longer swept under the carpet as much as it has been.

I really wish the best for you going forward and that 2023 gets better for you. I saw on your thread all the bad stuff that’s happened this year. I’m so sorry for the losses including your husband’s cousin who just died. It’s a lot to deal with. Take care.