Dealing with racist views

[Eagle Ray]

*Trigger warning - potentially very distressing*

A couple of weeks ago I saw someone in town I knew. We were having a conversation when she began to express some generalised statements about a particular group of people. It progressively got worse into more blatant racism. I expressed that what she was saying was upsetting me. It then just got worse in terms of what she was saying and I found myself suddenly saying, "I can't continue this conversation, I'm sorry", and I just automatically left.

The reason it was triggering for me is because a really gentle soul from my childhood was murdered with the perpetrators even admitting they did it on the basis of race. It was this same group of people the above mentioned person in town was referring to. I am being particularly vague so as to protect the identities of people affected. So all these sudden trauma emotions came up for me around this issue and that's why something in me just took over and I said I couldn't continue the conversation and left as a form of self-protection.

The person I walked away from knows people in my unit complex and she has turned two of the residents against me. I am now dealing with daily comments that I hear clearly from the courtyard such as "F#%k her" and similar in reference to me. Today I wrote a one page letter to explain to the person I walked away from why her comments were so distressing for me, including explaining about the murder, and put it in her letterbox. I am hoping she may be more understanding as a result but not necessarily confident that will happen.

I now feel persecuted in my small town because I took a stance against racist speech. I feel like I need to leave and I just don't fit here. I love the surrounding landscape and feel connected to that, but I feel I am out of place in this conservative town and unless the people currently hostile to me can come to understand my point of view and past experiences, I feel I am going to be in an awful situation daily from now on.

Has anyone else ever dealt with anything like this? I actually feel unsafe and I already struggle with a whole lot of complex trauma issues around safety. I did talk to my psychologist today which was helpful. I am working on just standing tall and being straight forward and doing my best not to be intimidated. But I do feel very unwelcome here now. My closest friend in these units is my elderly neighbour who is now in hospital and so I'm concerned about her too. Just feeling very isolated.

[Merricat]

Dear Eagle Ray

I'm going through the same thing.  I have no advice to give but I feel what your going through.

I don't know if I can take much more of it.  My long-term mental health problems have always attracted bullying to me as well as strange religious groups which I wish I could name.

Hope you survive it Eagle Ray.  I feel like there is no hope, especially having to survive this alone.  I'm exhausted and I can't think straight anymore.

Merricat

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you kindly Merricat for your support. I’m so sorry you are dealing with similar things.

Mostly in more recent times I’ve managed to rise above it, but hearing the aggressive tone of my neighbour’s voice this morning really set off a trauma reaction in my body to do with feeling imminent threat. It’s what I experienced repeatedly from early childhood onwards and, like you, I’ve been a target for bullying throughout my life because my vulnerability and gentleness shows.

Religious groups, as you mention, can be very manipulative and bullying. I went to a spiritual healing retreat once and the leader/facilitator started bullying me in the front of the group. He was annoyed with me as I was becoming tired and finding what was being asked of us difficult. Thus I wasn’t being “compliant”. I was called p$&s weak. Late that afternoon, following the last break of the day, I waited until everyone else had gone back inside, got in my car and hightailed it out of there. Some of the people I’ve come across who claim to be spiritual are some of the most abusive, manipulative people I’ve met. They are covert narcissists who present as caring about your wellbeing initially but are actually entirely self-serving. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced abuse in religious settings.

I’ve increasingly at least been able to recognise that the bullies are incredibly weak underneath. As a person Merricat you are already a million miles beyond anyone who has bullied you, by the very fact you are kind and would not do that to others. I know it’s so hard struggling alone. I’m alone too, living alone, and can go days without talking to another human. I think when you do have good people with you it really helps to dilute the impact of the awful people and makes any bullying easier to buffer and handle. When I visit good friends in the city I can feel that healing effect, but here in this town I’m very alone.

Merricat, I see you anyway and I hear you and witness your struggle. I hope I can at least share some hope and help you feel a bit less alone.

I’ve been releasing a lot of anger in the car recently, because it is possible to yell there without anyone thinking I’m weird. I’ve been yelling back at various bullies from my life and saying what I think of them. It has actually been helpful as multiple health issues I have I know are linked to long term suppressed anger from situations in which I couldn’t fight back. I don’t know if you’d find yelling in the car helpful but take care obviously while driving. Screaming into a pillow, throwing a cushion or even getting a punching bag are all other options. I actually looked at boxing equipment on the Kmart website the other day!

But go gently on yourself too. It’s so important we are kind to ourselves when others are not. Take good care,

Eagle Ray

[Merricat]

Thanks Eagle Ray. 

I'm going to print out your reply to remind me that I'm not the only one suffering this form of torture.  I don't have a car but I do have a pillow to scream in to.  🙂

Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling as lately I have been having trouble writing 'the big feelings' down.  My mind just goes blank.

Take care

Merricat

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Merricat,

I know the feeling of going blank very well, especially where bullying is involved. I think it’s how our system copes by freezing when there is no other option. What I find the expression of anger does for me anyway is it breaks out of that blank freeze. The body feels efficacy, that it can do something active to defend itself. It’s like you come back into your body and power. But it’s important to hold yourself with care in that process too as it can be quite intense. It has taken me decades to get in touch with anger which was so suppressed in me. It can feel a bit destabilising at first but then there’s like a rebalancing as the body finally releases a whole lot of trapped, traumatised energy. I’m doing meditations in nature at the moment and along with the anger coming out so is grief that’s also been really stuck. I’m just allowing the tears as they come up. I think grief and anger are two of the emotions that can get particularly chronically stuck in us. I feel like a pressure cooker that’s incrementally releasing the pressure in my system at a pace I can handle. Just letting out a bit more each day.

May you find peace and healing. You take care too 🤗

ER