Complex PTSD

[Mara56]

Hi, I'm new to this. I have complex PTSD as a result of multiple traumas including childhood sexual abuse, physical, mental & emotional abuse. My father was a violent alcoholic, mother psychologically disturbed, I was raped at 19, my first husband narcissistic, highly manipulative, controlling, possessive, emotionally, mentally abusive, controlled finances, also an alcoholic and eventually threatened violence. Second husband had depression and I believe PTSD. I carried the relationship emotionally and financially until it took a toll on my mental health. I've seen many counsellors over the years, some caused more damage because despite me telling them about my history they never connected that I had PTSD. Finally found a psychologist I could work with and after several years I got to an ok place, where I could coexist with the flashbacks without them overwhelming me. Then my son died, I worked so hard to give my children a happy, healthy childhood, losing my precious boy has devastated me in ways I can never adequately express. 6 years later I met another man, for most part a good man and things were ok until I started having problems with my health. I've had multiple surgeries, too many to count. The last surgery, was horrific. The treatment I received in hospital triggered so much stuff from my past. When I've dealt with trauma in the past, I have had the benefit of compartmentalisation, as a result of what happened to me in hospital, I seem to have lost the ability to compartmentalise. The past 16 months have been a nightmare. My anxiety is through the roof, and the lows have been frightening at times. I have gone back to regular sessions. But as I've dealt with most of my past, except for my father, I have blocked out a lot of my memories around him. I am starting to wonder whether I need to just accept that this is me, I have complex PTSD and that anxiety, flashbacks, depression, insomnia are all part of it. But when I think that there is nothing I can do to change it.......... I go to a very dark place. I have told very few people in my life that I have PTSD and only a handful of people know about my past. I am conscious it's a lot for people to get their heads around. I'm hoping to connect with other people with PTSD, I feel very alone in it sometimes and I'm interested to hear how other people manage their PTSD. Many thanks

[Mara56]

Dear Em,
I can visualise your smoking ceremony and can almost smell the rosemary and sage. Thank you my beautiful friend. I am so touched that you would do this for R and myself. You truly are a generous hearted person.

I am beginning to see how some of DH’s actions impact my MH. I will be tackling this in my next psych appt. I think we need some couple’s sessions. DH use to run a major division in a large firm, sometimes I think he forgets I’m his wife and not his subordinate. Anyway I will discuss it with psych. One good thing out it is that the anger has lifted me a bit, out of the depression.

TBH I don’t think I ever should have remarried. I use to able to hold my own with my last husband. First husband I couldn’t do it till after I left him. I’m having the same problem with DH. I need to investigate that. For most part we get along really well but every so often things like last weekend happen and I want to pack up and walk out. I know that’s due to the trauma from my childhood. I need to deal with my father.... not looking forward to it but it needs to be done.

I do feel calmer today so I believe your smoking ceremony has helped.

Take care, lovely lady

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear dearest Mara

I'm so glad you felt the smoking ceremonies helped! Yesterday, the 7th, it rained lightly all day, more all night. The Sun is just trying to break through the clouds at dawn today. An analogy maybe.

So yesterday we found dry wood lol, under the piles which was fine. Then burnt our rosemary and sage with it under the shelter of our balcony, it overlooks large expanses of water & hills. It WAS BEAUTIFUL omg. Misty rain. I felt the tears coming down from the sky were ours. It's like we couldn't SHED ENOUGH tears to compensate -we never could. The smoke entwined with the rain droplets. The children were beautiful. Pushing the smoke out towards the water and sky, sending it to Aunty Mara with ALL OUR LOVE. The senses of healing moving across the water to you. To where you are in time and place and healing.

Yes right on PAR you were expressing EXACTLY what I just expressed on my thread. SNAP and HIGH FIVE sister, great huh? omg do we have the same birth date & similar Astrological natal chart or something like that?

Because this has gone beyond weird that it's probably my new norm that I now EXPECT to pop on here and read EXACTLY my life reflecting in your life! WHAT IS THAT? lol.... our new norm. I'll take it lol.

I just said that I'm angry about the whitegoods guys lol and anger is better than feeling depressed.
I know the anger is exaggerated towards them (& I'm actually angry with bf) but its REALLY crappy that I just got another text to EXH from them and its MY STUFF. UGH.

OK a subject I've been avoiding bringing up with you - DH.

Yep yep and go girl. Compassion, consideration and EMPATHY would go a long way JUST SAYIN'.
BECAUSE I KNOW you do this for him.

But ah NO. My shock was first piqued at 'those who shall not be named' - that immediate second I KNEW who they were and thought AH NO. DH should be standing up to that crap and putting firm boundaries in place for THEM. Respect, kindness, courteousness is that a word - yes. Otherwise don't show your face here.

Sure crap happens but THAT'S when those values need to be repeated. IT'S CALLED PARENTING. A job NOT for the feint hearted lol! EVEN when they're ADULTS. MOST especially when they're adults! They should KNOW better then! No way Mara.

Yes - pysch.
Yes - couples counselling.
Yes healing on all levels.

I know. I've felt that way about another marriage. I was willing to marry being no other way for bf to live here.
But yeah I was afraid of it. I hear you.

Love EM.

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

You write so beautifully. I can clearly see a picture of the smoking ceremony just from what you wrote. Have you ever thought about writing a book? I think you would be good at it. I love that I'm Aunty Mara.

Lol we certainly do have similar life stories. I swear sometimes I open your thread and am surprised, although I shouldn't be, to see you experiencing the exact same things as I am. Oh by the way, we desperately need white goods, my washing machine is on the way out, the only thing stopping us is that were waiting for the house to sell.

Astrologically, we certainly could have similar charts. My sign is represented by a lion be interesting to hear what yours is. If it's the same, then I really think we need to investigate our ancestors because I'm starting to think that one of each ours must have crossed paths at some time. Lol.

Re: the others DH and late wife never said no to them. DH did stand up to them early in our relationship. As a result they didn't speak to him for nearly 3 years. He never saw his grandkids. Then when he was allowed to see them I either wasn't invited or I didn't get spoken to. It's not that they had a problem with me they didn't know me, they had problem with their father moving on. Perhaps he moved to quickly but wife had been sick with terminal illness for years before she died. He had done his grieving before she died. I think now he is worried about losing them again. He offered to have counselling with them, they refused. I do need him to stand up to them, only he can do that.

Parenting, I raised my children to be considerate, caring, aware & responsible adults. DH is a doormat. The only time he ever says no to anyone is to me. I hear it because I respect him. They don't. Yes a lot to discuss at my next psych appt.

Yes empathy & compassion would go a long way ATM. I got more empathy from my psych & his receptionist than I did from him over the weekend. You & your family have shown me more empathy & compassion than he has. I'm so hurt ATM. I wish I could cry but the tears won't flow. I spoke to a friend earlier & she was lovely. So glad I have people who do care in my life.

I know DH & I will get through this, that said, it is going to take some time before I let him back in again. I knew a nun years ago she was happy I had met someone. She told me have fun but don't marry him, she said marriage is no good for women. I should have listened to her.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

MMmmmm Mara, we share similar ancestry then. Yep Corazon de Leon, my bfs name for me in Spanish. You can Google it.

I really do gasp, still, at more then more then more and how much more? Oh more then more...

Are you absolutely beyond 100% SURE you were born in Australia?
Lol.

I have Bounty blood as in Mutiny lol. Yah I have a bit of the pirate in me - 4 actually. That's how we answer the phone in our family "ahoy hoy" lol. And all my analogies of the sea. GENERATIONS of sailors. I could go on...

MUCH more importantly. Those kids. OH MY GOD. I understand more of the story now.

KIDS don't get a say in HOW their parents run their lives!
From about 12yo even earlier, I empower my children to make their own decisions.... AND take the consequences.... while they're still young... and it doesn't end them in jail lol. So I always say "It's your life, this is your decision". Sure I take the crap of their consequences too when they're young but they KNOW about it.

But the sage advice I got from my Counsellor when ACs started 'bandying together' to bully me and pressure me during the Courts then went NC, was..... consistently and persistently be YOURSELF.

I am polite. I am super respectful. But I don't expect them all to be ALL the time.
Difficult to 'be yourself' with bullies around.

We've also written Family Mission Statements together. So everyone refers to it when things arise as they seldom do now, except for mutinous ACs lol. Occasionally.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE IN MY GARAGE?
Yep a SPARE less than 1yo freaking washing machine. I KNOW. Who does that? MY sister-in-law lol. I got given my current one AND given this one too.

I work the Law of Attraction. During Courts my lawn mower, whipper snipper, washing machine and can't remember the last thing - ALL broke down. So I Prayed. I "put it out there" for those items to come to me for free. LOL. Big ask. Not for The Universe. I couldn't believe it myself but I got all 4 in about a month.

I forgot to say "STOP now" lol. A spare came this year. I was waiting for the family to give it to. Sometimes I wish BB had a great big warehouse and we could send things to the BB Depot and then they shipped them out to forum members who needed them. Still keeping confidentiality but wouldn't that be awesome?

Big ask from volunteers already, who I'm eternally thankful for. Thank you guys. OH A TOASTER lol. That came too.

"Your wish is my Command" says the Universe. Washing machine to Mara's.

Love EM

[Mara56]

OMG! This is getting scary now. Are you sure you’re not me? Lol. When I married DH I ended up with two “R’s” in my name, I jokingly call myself ‘the Pirate Bride’ So there you are another snap.

I think we must have done the same parenting training too. I taught my children to accept the consequences of their decisions. It is hard watching them make decisions that you know are not going to have a good outcome but ultimately you want them to responsible adults and if you’re constantly rescuing them they don’t learn to stand on their own two feet. I think the most frustrating thing for me is that I worked so hard to parent my kids appropriately. I was like a sponge when it came to parenting courses. So to be with someone who basically doesn’t know how to say no to his kids......... And those kids....... You hit the nail on the head when you referred to them as bullies, that is exactly what they’re like. They trigger me on so many past traumas. I try to be myself but I see the looks that go between them, the raised eyebrows etc. Mind I’m determined to get to a place where they don’t affect me. Either that or I start going out with my GFs whenever they’re here. Lol.

I am visualising the washing machine. Come on Universe bring it my way.

I like your idea of a warehouse where people can donate their spare utensils but agree with you, it’s probably a big ask for volunteers, not mention obtaining a storage facility etc. Probably best to donate to St Vinnies or the Salvos.

Thank you for your ongoing positivity and support.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Ahoy hoy Mara lol. That's funny.

Yes parenting sighhhh.

Absolutely I'd go out with my gfs!

I'd go gardening in a Community Garden.

I would rather watch the grass grow at the waterfront than have to deal with bullies. Maybe read a book.

Some people are just horrible and there it is.

I think we're going to sell the washing machine cheap on Gumtree or FB, I've had it 6 months and need it out of the garage / I mean sons' GYM lol. An AC has offered to sell all the stuff we don't want but is still good. I'm happy for them to keep all the profits. Their hard work, their money.
Their storage is already full of our stuff lol - we took loads over last week lol!
SO MUCH MORE.

I just want to see the floor of some places in our home. So much of exH garbage - literal garbage. I have been getting rid of it for 2 YEARS and the previous 20 ugh.

We'll get there.

I can't take the kids away these hols. No cabins free. It would've been difficult anyway up and back probably all day for the kids work shifts lol. One teen may get his Ps soon so YIPPEE! OMG I WILL LOVE THAT. He bought his own car 6 months ago.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT WE ARE GETTING a free car too soon, what the???
Yes I said to another son (with far less income) want a car?
PUT IT OUT THERE.
My car is on it's way as a mantra and we laughed bec it sounds so silly AND IT WORKED.

SO much happened this week we Prayed for. I put it on the Law of Attraction thread. Crazy stuff.

I'm going to bed to work on my Dream Folder 2, burn a little essential oil and listen to Dr Joe!

One AC is taking ALL of us out for brunch tomorrow and paying lol. That's a loverly change lol.

We're all excited and very grateful for their generosity.

LOVE to you your washing machine is coming
EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Yep totally agree watching grass grow is far better for my MH than dealing with them. Unfortunately I think they decided before they met me that they weren’t going to let me in. I accept that it’s never going to change, the important thing now is protecting my MH. The least I have to do with them the better.

Brilliant idea getting your AC to sell your washing machine and other stuff. I love getting rid of clutter. I honestly believe clutter weighs us down mentally. I’m probably a little too ruthless but I have this philosophy that if I have stuff that I haven’t used or worn in years and someone else can use it, I give it to them or donate it to the Salvos.

Wow! How exciting! I remember when my eldest got his license. Suddenly my life freed up greatly. Enjoy your new found freedom, lovely lady.

Woo hoo! To a new car. The Universe is definitely listening to you.

That’s lovely that your AC took you all out for brunch this morning. I hope you all had a wonderful time.

Fingers crossed the washing machine comes too. Oh and a buyer turns up with cash for our place. That is crucial to my sanity! Lol.

Hope you have a great weekend.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

I can't wait to hear of your escapades whilst those who shall not be named are present with DH.

YOUR new found freedom will be awesome!

OMG the Libraries are open here now. Hopefully yours are too?
I found THE most amazing Magazine subscription in our local library. I think it's called 'Psychology Today', it's American. I sat in the library up the road from the tyre place my car was getting work done at.
The articles were amazing and they had about 10 issues of the magazine. I borrowed some.

I LOVE borrowing their audio books and ones from work too. Once I borrowed the whole Harry Potter series and it read to us all the way interstate and back (on our safe house road trip which the kids had no idea was happening lol).

Maybe the Library if it's too cold or rainy for an environmental jaunt?

IDK if you're into swimming laps?
I wanted to Google the updates at our local pool.
I used the pool as an escape from the evil when it lived here and took ALL my toiletries to have a long undisturbed shower there too. Lol. Blow dried my hair, had a ball!
Entry is cheaper than a take away coffee here lol!

What else do you like doing?
I would love to find my unfinished cross stitches. Sit and do needlework at the waterfront.

I was so busy during prep for Courts when evil was here taking turns with the children.
I checked work emails. Read Family Law precedents lol. Paid bills. Thickened my diary.

It's a great idea leaving DH to it.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Yes new found freedoms starting tomorrow. I usually keep the weekend free for DH and I. Tomorrow I’m spending the arvo with my step-daughter from my first marriage. She loves me, she’s also going through a tough time. So decided we need time together. Also phoned a girl I met on a course earlier this year. We were going to catch up for a coffee then the lockdown happened. I decided we needed to try again. I booked it in for Thursday. Am making sure I have a life separate from DH. You talked about enmeshment on your thread. I can see clearly that that has been happening with DH. I am so emotionally cut off from him ATM.

The libraries are open here, I’ll put it on my list of things to do.

I like to go for long walks, unfortunately it’s going to rain all next week. Might have to go walking in one of the larger shopping centres Lol

I don’t have the patience for cross stitch, knitting or crochet. Writing is my creative outlet. Maybe I’ll get around to writing a novel. Who knows. The only thing I know is that I need to start nurturing my psyche. I have lost myself over the past 8 years, I need to find my way back.

Well I hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend, lovely lady.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

It's so lovely to see you writing about things you're choosing to do instead of all that 'must do' stuff that takes over so much.

Is the inner-power-of-Mara coming out?
😃

I'm so glad you're catching up with your step-daughter. Ofcourse she loves you lol, who wouldn't! I'm happy to hear that you've stayed in touch and can be there for her. That's beautiful.

Yes! A coffee date too, wow, good on you. This is the Mara I know so well lol.

I'm not sure if you've felt this way, but sometimes when I'm going through stuff and feel so tumbled about by it all, I think I'm no good for anyone (outside my family). I don't call anyone. Don't reach out to them.
And yet now I think why think that way? (psych asked me to question EVERY thought lol! I'm only choosing a few).

So many others are going through so much sh** and they're really struggling. I found this out BY reaching out & phoning long lost friends recently.
It truly came as a shock to me that it IS that way for others too.

The weird thing?
They all said they think I'm doing so well for everything I've gone through. So many have said "I couldn't have done what you've done". Well I haven't WANTED to but what choice did I have?

Tonight I was pondering how I've changed from pre-exH 'ecomama'. I had confidence, verve, more zest for life, far more socially connected. I was working in a high powered Federal position, about 5-7 levels "up" from where I am now, but I much prefer the level I'm at now. It's more "me" but in a way I miss those opportunities.
I could recreate them all over again but my children all need me so much and I need to be with them now too.
We have so much healing to do - all of us. This couldn't happen if I was away 80h a week plus weeks on end at Conferences etc.

I have far more flexibility in the position I'm in now. I can do it with my eyes closed lol. So many people complain about the stress of this job but it's truly a walk in a sweet meadow compared to life with exH ... come to think of it ANYTHING is LOL!

We're "gathering our tribe girlfriend" which is exactly what we need.

Love EM