Complex PTSD from numerous incidents

[Wren]

I went to see my mental health nurse today. It's a fortnightly arrangement. Today I showed him a statement I'd written for the redress scheme. I couldn't tell him in words what was done to me at age 16, that was more humiliating and shameful than the sexual assaults, rape, harrassment and threats of rape.

I suffer nightmares weekly, sometimes multiple nightmares a night.

He read a certain part of my statement and then said, this is terrible, I won't read anymore. He was supportive, we discussed why I feel so powerless, so angry, and scared all the time.

Starting from age 11, I was molested by a teacher for five years, bullied by students from the age of 4, the bullying turned into physical assaults and what one police detective termed as torture, I was sexually assaulted by a friend's boyfriend at age 13, 16, and raped at age 20. I never got to feel safe or heal from the first initial trauma before suffering trauma, sexual assaults on multiple occasions. Now I'm almost 45 and I still suffer really bad flashbacks. 

[Wren]

I also put my art work in Pinterest. It's a way of keeping a digital copy of it, just in case I lose the original.

I wish there were some way of posting art work on here. 

[Eagle Ray]

That is a good idea to have that digital copy. I haven't actually used Pinterest. It would be quite good to be able to post art here. Someone was mentioning that in relation to photography once, but I think the main issue with photography would be photos may contain identifying material about the poster or others. Art is probably a bit easier to maintain anonymity. The moderators would probably have to develop some kind of screening tool for any art that might be a bit too confronting, just as they moderate text. You can always describe an artwork I guess, which I know is not the same as being able to see it, but it might be a way of putting things into words too with the art being a prompt that enables the finding of words. I think that is what is going to happen to me when I start drawing. What comes out will produce something that I may not currently have words for, and then I may find I am able to find words from what the picture tells me.

[Wren]

Yeah I didn't think of people using things in our photos or geo tags to identify certain things.

Most of my poetry is very dark, and my mum, I don't think she's a big fan of it. 

But I have written some lighter more positive stuff. She said to me, Ah now those two poems I like.

In My Celtic Dreams 

Words flow like molten gold
While fast fingers fiddle
Musical notes
That are not to be told
Fire flickers high,
spitting red and orange sparks
Into the inken black sky
The wind whips them away
A hush falls over the crowd
Then the music starts again
As Irish lasses and lads
Sway and dance
The fiddling is faster
A drumming begins
My voice soars with them
Magic takes over my limbs
I'm flying, I'm dancing
My voice is pure and rich
I'm a musical genius
A hundred voices blend and mold
The music banned by rulers
Is pure molten gold
Flaunting laws that will get us hung
We dance, we leap, our fingers fiddle and drum
The fires burn low
As the earth births a new sun
The fiddling stops
The voices lower in pitch
Then just hush
In the blink of an eye
The renegade gathering is gone
I'm a musical genius
A dancing fairie of Èire
But only in my Dreams
I wake with songs never sung
Celtic lyrics in my head
My voice could shatter glass
But in my dreams
I am a dancing fairie of Èire
A musical genius
With a renegade song in my heart
That can never be sung

Wren

[Eagle Ray]

Wren, that is a beautiful poem. It has a fiery spiritedness and is so alive with energy. You really have a poetic gift. Just stunning use of language and imagery. I love your dark poems too. Everything you have shared is very evocative. Thank you so much for sharing them 🙏

[Wren]

No worries Eagle Ray. I can't wait to read anything  stories or poems of yours. And if you post your pictures on Pinterest you'll have to put your link in so I can see them. You've been so helpful with all your information on therapists and therapy it's much appreciated.

[Eagle Ray]

You're welcome Wren. It has been so lovely chatting with you. I might try doing a poem. I used to write songs a long time ago. I'll see how I go with my pictures. Drawing is not my forte 😂

Earlier when I was doing the dishes I listened to a podcast interview with Peter Levine that is on YouTube. It is called From Trauma to Triumph: A Journey of Healing With Peter A Levine. It is from the Therapy Chat Podcast with Laura Reagan. It was very emotional as he spoke about his recent autobiography and he started to cry twice in the interview. He is such a gentle, beautiful soul. I think the encouraging thing is he went through a lot of trauma but he has worked on healing himself throughout his life and dedicated himself to working with others to help them heal. He said a lovely quote from someone else which is, "It's never too late to have a happy childhood". In other words, whatever may have happened in our actual childhood we can still catch up however much later in life it might be and find healing and comfort and the support and safety we should have had as children. He was very reserved to share his own story but friends and colleagues encouraged him to. It was talking about that encouragement from others that made him emotional. It can be very powerful sharing vulnerability with people who are caring, and the host of the interview who mostly just let him speak was really empathetic with him. I think with trauma it is that witnessing by a kind person that helps us heal. It sounds like your mental health nurse is a kind person who is there for you in that way. We are listening too.