ANOTHER FRIEND IS NOW DYING FROM CANCER - WHAT SHOULD I SAY?

[The_Bro]

Hi everyone

As we get older and certainly wiser, it becomes easier I think, to deal with what life throws at you as life's priorities become much clearer.

You learn to walk away from what's just not important, stop worrying so much about trivialities and think more about what it really means to life a good life - 'A life well lived' in other words.

Well last year the best friend of my wife and myself got cancer, and now has about three months to live. She in in New Zealand and we speak every couple of weeks on Face Time.

Yesterday I got shocking news that the wife of one of my best friends also has cancer. Not sure what the prognosis is but she is on her second round of chemo and losing her amazing hair already.

So - what are the best words to use when speaking or writing to a cancer sufferer?

The friend due to die shortly has confided that she is really tired of people telling her how strong she is, you have got this, be strong, you are a fighter etc etc. Last week I said to her that she must feel really awful and sometimes angry about what has happened to her, and she burst into tears saying all she wants is friends to understand make an effort to listen. In other words, show a little true empathy and not just empty words of encouragement that can sound so false.

Now a second friend has cancer - we learn about in on Facebook only yesterday. Her husband is a really good mate and told me they just weren't up to ringing people so please forgive them for posting on Facebook a couple of weeks after the diagnosis.

Nearly all the posts on Facebook are all about how strong she is, what a fighter, give it a big kick in the bum etc etc. I sent a post and a personal message as well, reminding them about the holiday we had early last year (before Covid) and how much we should all look forward the the opportunity to do that again!

Not that I look for this at all, but did notice my post got heaps of likes.

So the big question is - what does the cancer sufferer really want to hear? I know everyone is different and so are friendships.

It's just that this double lot of rotten news has been really hard to take and made an impact on me that I wasn't expecting. And it's going to get worse as the end nears for both of them.

Any comments from forum users who have battled through close friends deaths would be appreciated.

Especially concerning what is was that the dying friend found most comforting to hear.

Thanks very much, I hope to hear from you.

All the best, The Bro

[The_Bro]

Thank you so much Learn to Fly

Your amazing words have elevated me onto a pedestal where I am not sure I belong.

I called her yesterday and we had a very good and honest chat with no BS.

All the best to you to. The Bro

[The_Bro]

Hi there Croix

So sad to hear you have been through it as well - three times. Your words are wise and encouraging.

I like the way you point out options without judgement.

I called her yesterday and we had a great chat - open and free of BS.

All the best, The Bro

[Guest_1055]

Hi The Bro..

The thing is doctors logically can not predict the time of anyone passing away. Unless they are the ones ending someone's life. Only God knows that. And where there is life there is always hope.

I had a cancer scare in 2018. Fear that doctors pushed onto me. The scare was from their words and mannerisms. I am ok now.

Will you consider checking out "Chris Beats Cancer"? Your search may come up showing his website, his book, his ytube channel or someone claiming he is false or something similar to that. The false thing is simply not true. He is one of the most caring, and knowledgeable guys I know. And is well researched in cancer and other options that are indeed out there.

I have his book, and his private Facebook group is full of thousands of people learning about how to heal their bodies. Some using chemo, radiation etc. Some going all out by consuming juices, special salads, certain supplements. And other forms of healing. Some choose both they do conventional treatment plus all the juicing, salads etc. There are loads that have healed there bodies from cancer. And all kinds and all stages.

He also has loads of interviews he has had with doctors, specialists and cancer survivers. Many are on ytube and his website.

I can also give you the names of other people you could look it to as well if you want.

I am unsure what you could tell your friends. Maybe you could just consider checking out what I said first to see what you think.

[mmMekitty]

Hello the Bro,

I've been thinking of you lately. I am interested in how things are going with you.

& also, about what I wrote back on Nov 4, well, I'm not going to quote it all here.

I've had the news myself - I dont' hardly know anything yet, except that I do have breast cancer. So now, do I swap shoes?

My helper was with me & was great. She did make an off-hand comment though, saying I was 'wearing my fighting hat'. I had a sort of gut reaction to that. I knwo what the problem is: if you insist someone must fight the thing, & if they still 'lose' then, well, they might not have fought hard enough, when I don't think that any 'fighting' has anything to do with whether or not the given treatment works, but in failing to fight hard enough, we blame the patient. I reject that entirely! My sad old yellow hat is definitely not suitable for fighting anyway, I told her.

Bearing in mind, very few people know of my diagnosis, (could be many more, I guess, beause I have written it here in a couple places, so far the most helpful thing anyone has said, came from my PDr.He offered to me the freedom to message him if I needed, while he is on his long annual break, & he would make time to talk to me. I feel so reassured he will be there, & willing to talk.

My helper said, she would drop everything, to help me with anything I need. We are already scheduling more hours.

I don't yet know how (relatively) minor or severe this is going to get, but already it is awfully frightening. When I know more, I am sure to want to know even more. I want to know what to expect, so I might be able to feel at least somewhat prepared. I hate the uncertainty.

I am not even sure what sort of timeframe to keep in mind for making any plans, such as I might make for Xmas. I'll tell you too, I intend to be around BB over the silly season, for anyone alone or lonely, or simply wanting a chat or muck about. I know what Xmas & New Year can be like, because I have those years too. Being here is one way I want to allieviate the Xmas/New Year funk.

It will depend upon what happens next, & how soon, & how much it wrecks me around....

If I can still be of help to you, The Bro, I'll be happy to let you know what other people say or do, which I find most helpful. & even what is most unhelpful, too.

mmMekitty.