Anniversary of attack

[SuperMeggy]

Tomorrow’s the anniversary of when I was raped. I hate using that word. It feels wrong, it doesn’t fit. People say anniversary and your immediate thought is of positive milestones, happy times, love and other good feelings. But the anniversary of when I was raped.. not something I look forward to or count down to or celebrate all over social media about.. I’ve had to put up with this anniversary before, many times but for some reason this year feels especially heavy. I know it’s just a day, just 24 hours, like any other day. But I can’t pinpoint why this one feels immeasurably large. It’s been building and building internally and I’m afraid to feel all I might feel tomorrow.
I’ve done about 3 years of CBT and I’m in the middle of EMDR about 2 months now. Tomorrow will mark 8 years. An 8 year old child around their 8th year of life can typically develop complex language skills, improved attention span and focus. They start to really understand jokes, puns. Baby teeth will start or have already started to fall out and permanent teeth come in. 8 year olds start to really understand cooperation, compassion and what it means to share. 8 years and the night that changed my life forever still renders me useless. Useless to my contribution in the world. Useless in my fight to maintain personal hygiene. Useless in my ability to attend a normal work day. 8 years & I haven’t moved on. And it’s not for lack of trying. An 8 year old child has come from not being able to hold their head up or open their eyes to all of that above.. and what have I achieved.

why can’t I move past this, why can’t I feel good, feel okay yet

[Aaronsis]

Hi SuperMeggy

I am so beyond happy to read your note and that they day that you dreaded most turned out nothing like you expected, I think you have learnt a really big thing here...that thinking and overthinking and mentally preparing for something sometimes actually never turns out the way think or expect it will, and all that worry and that pain and anxiety was for nothing.

However, you are to thank for that as to took actions, actual actions to make your day a wonderful day, you chose you and this is awesome. I can totally see why your EMDR therapist was happy for you and so pleased, he/she can see that you are starting to consider other options and that there is hope and that there are better days. That the hideous event that happened to you is not who you are and does not get to control you or decide your happiness.

You have taken control and taken your life back and I am so proud of you and so happy for you. Well done.

I hope we get to chat again some time, I am sure that it will not be the same post that you started off here with, how awesome is that, that your journey to healing is on it's way.

Here is a beautiful quote:

"Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed, it means that the damage no longer controls our lives"

Hugs to you SuperMeggy, I am so happy for you.

Sarah