22/f child sex abuse survivor - ptsd ruining my relationship with SO kids

[Mynameisnotimportant]

I recently started counselling for the sexual abuse I endured at the hands of my father until I was 7.

I am currently in the worst mental state I have ever been in. I have a partner with 2 daughters aged 4 and 6 who I love to bits but I cannot bring myself to be around them while their dad interacts with them.

I have multiple panic attacks daily due to forcing myself to re-live the past after my father denied everything again recently - because I finally told his brother about what he had done. I have since blocked him out of my life (again) as I suffered a complete mental breakdown when this happened.

The situation with my partner and his girls has gotten worse since then, I know that nothing is going on as I watch them like a hawk but my anxiety is through the roof as soon as it is our turn to have them. I have a panic attack when he gives them a bath, dresses them, reads them a story in bed, if they sit on his knee or he cuddles them on the couch. I physically cannot be around them together without having a meltdown anymore.

I hate this whole situation - I hate that I'm making him feel weird about being a dad, I hate the thought of him putting distance between himself and his girls because of my unwarranted fears. I hate that it makes me snappy and feel sick every time he gives them a hug.

We have been together for 2 years and I love him with every fibre of my being and I love his girls too, I just don't know howto shake this horrible horrible feeling that is ingrained into my bones. Dread. I didn't foresee this reaction, up until 5 months ago I was fine. Not great but ok. Now I hate myself more than ever because I'm letting him down. I don't know how much longer I can fall before I hit the bottom of this pit but it is killing me already.

[Croix]

Dear Mynameisnotimportant~

Maybe you name is not important here but you certainly are, and you have been horribly injured. Maybe there are no visible marks outside but the wound is deep and is really a 3-person problem to cure, not just you alone.

The idea of cutting you father out of your life seems very sensible and the hurt he caused is coming out in self-hate, self blame and being unused to a loving healthy family relationship. No use me saying it at the moment but it is not your fault, it is you father's, and his denial makes it that much worse -a cruel and selfish man.

The three people, well maybe the two daughters too, are all needed to make you well, comfortable and take pleasure in watching and taking part in the love of a family. There is you of course, and I guess your contribution is to intelligently seek professional help, maybe a psychiatrist specializing in such abuse.

The psychiatrist has a lot to do, to help you see yourself as a person who is capable of observing love and having trust - seems unlikely at the moment I know.

Your husband, and I suspect from what you say you have explained, has the job of constant reassurance and acting in a way that is inclusive of you as well as his daughters. If you have not told him do you think it might be possible? He needs the background to not hit your sensitive areas and bring you down.

The 2 kids, well their job is to be happy, well adjusted and feel confident and secure - which you will be able to see.

It takes time, no instant fix, but improvement in time back to wellness.

If you are finding since therapy started thing are getting worse then please talk it over with your councilor and maybe see your GP abut a psychiatrist instead.

Some therapy is fine in theory but may come at the wrong time. I had a therapy where the images in my mind were supposed to become acclimatized and have reduced potency. It was too early, it made me think of them all the time. So talk to your medical team!

We are here for you and know perfectly well it is not you, it is the abuse. Please always feel welcome here

Croix

[Mynameisnotimportant]

Thank you for your support and kind words.

I have been considering the possibility that it may be too soon for my councillor to be pushing certain buttons, as the last session I went to left me feeling numb after going through details of the abuse.

I find in therapy that as soon as I disclose specific memories they become blocked off for a while, which adds to my mental torment as I then feel as though I have false memories - however this has only begun since my fathers denial, I have not once in 14 years doubted the legitimacy of my memories and they have always been the same.

I am currently just trying to push through to find my limits/triggers in order to lessen my mental and physical reactions to my partner's interactions with his girls. I have never had panic attacks as severe as this before, it is like I'm paralyzed by fear along with hyperventilating and full body tremors. My therapist said the body never forgets - and it is so true. Our minds can trick us in to believing something never happened, but our bodies response doesn't lie.

I have been open about everything with my partner from the beginning, I knew that to give myself a real chance at a lasting relationship I needed to be honest with him and myself. He has been totally supportive the entire time, and has let me go at my own pace. He knows that my fears are not a reflection on his parenting but it does frustrate him sometimes that I can't enjoy myself with them any more and that I am constantly excluding myself from the family..

I just don't know how to let him enjoy his time with his girls and be there too at this point, I love them all but I do feel that it would be in everyone's best interests if I put my mental health first this time... I'm just not sure what the best step forward will be.

We are good for each other. And I couldn't do any of this without him. I just need to find a compromise that works in my head, I'll take your advice and talk about seeing a specialist - I want to get better and sometimes that means getting worse first.

Big love from wherever I may be ♡•°○.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm inspired by your courage.

I agree totally with my friend Croix.

This problem you inherited thanks to a father that is indeed selfish can omly be overcome (enough for a happoer life) by specialist care.

As an example, I had therapy in 1987. Many of my thoughts were fantasy based on fear like when I had a sick day that my boss would arrives and sneek around my house to peer inside to see if I was sick in bed! My therapist taught me how to think realistic thoughts only and discard the unreal ones. Imagine what that could do with you towards your partners caring of his kids?

It is understandable the level of paranoia you have. Why wouldnt you? As Croix said, it isnt your fault.

As for your father. Many people discatd a patent for good reason. To imclude a toxic one in your life just because he is your father is self punishing...

my other concern is your partner. As he has had to endure pressure as a dad woth your issue ever present, he would need plenty of praise for that. Him understanding you is rare and loving.

I'm hoping you will seek out professional help and as a back up we are here 24/7/365 if you'd like to repost anytime.

You sound like a really kind person.

TonyWK

[IreneM]

HI Myname is not important

As Croix and Tony have said you are very important. The issue of paranoia and hurt from your father is not your fault. You have got a lot of gratitude too for your partner who is really being there for the kids at the moment.

RE: your professional support.

It sounds like your Counsellor is trying to do too much with you too quickly. Do you have psychiatric support as well? All mental health therapy starts off with bringing your feelings out into the open. It it is easier write down all of your feelings and thoughts for your therapist and tell them that you cannot cope with talking about it. They can then refer you to get further support whilst you are going through this awful stage, it is extremely confronting. But once you have it behind you it is worth it.

If your therapist is just a counsellor I think you require a more specialised therapist, like a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Whoever referred you to your counsellor, usually your gp, tell them how you are finding the therapy and how it is effecting you. They can then refer you to further support or simply call the support line below to point you in the right direction.

I, too am a child sex abuse survivor, and along with the others am here for you 24/7/365. So no you are not alone!

Irene.

[Croix]

Dear MyName~

Excuse me, I could not bear to see the rest of that name all the time, it is a self-defeating reminder.

Having made a very brave and frightening move by telling your husband everything you are a person that can do anything. That exposing yourself was the hardest thing ever, the next hardest is to feel confidence in your self that of course it did happen, despite (very predictable) denials from the offender.

Please take comfort from the fact your husband -and we- beleive you implicitly - you are telling the truth.

Please allow me one small attempt at nagging - please go see a specialist psychiatrist, one who has experience in this type of abuse and your current problems. I think, even if expensive, you will see there are techniques you can - at the right time - use. Also there is an annual medical safety-net.

You may not find a way of dealing wiht things quickly, and as a result you may have to give support, particularly to your husband, maybe to the kids too. Support comes in many ways and it is the care that motivates it that does the good. Your husband sounds a treasure.

Yes the body does remember, I went to the movies this evening and had to leave for a little while becuse I started crying, I'd not expected it. It is leaned behavior that lessens over time. Instead of a full evening or a night of reaction I had 5 minutes tops.

It gets manageable.

You are - from the way you write - a sensitive, caring, capable and intelligent person. Apply that capability to finding the right medical help, not putting up with 2nd best and its ill effects.

You are not alone as you can see. Look for the hope in other's stores (such as mine) and talk as much or as little as you would like

Croix