Having mental health issue over and over again

lovelcat · ‎31-10-2019

As an international student from Asia, I have been fighting against it for a very long time. When I started my bachelor degree in the US at the age of 18, I easily got lost. It was very tough for me to get used to the new environment and culture. Plus, language was a big issue for someone like me who merely passed the TOEFL test. I am a quiet guy and like to stay alone. I was scared of everything there because I don't know how to deal with all of them and did not really have any friends and support. I stopped going to class and failed all of them. I finally sought help after I was told about the decision of suspension. I was diagnosed with depression, stayed in hospital for weeks and took medications. Then everything seemed back to normal after I got out. I made some good friend and gain very nice grades in my courses. But when it comes to my third year of study, my parents wanted me to apply for a master degree, and they did not know my previous health condition. I wasn't really ready for this upcoming big decision. I was scared of showing my past to schools and others. I didn't know how to explain to my family so I escaped from reality again. This time, it hurt me greater and I spent 2 years wasting time on lying and escaping, But I have to face the truth and tell my family everything. It should've been only a year left if I didn't take the step back but in fact, it cost me 3 more years. My parents forgave me, I know they were really disappointed, but they cared about me more. I was feeling extremely guilty for letting them down. I met with counsellors and psychologists many times and finally with my mom's accompany with me for my last semester, I was able to graduate. I thought the nightmare was over. I returned to my home country and found a job in the biggest city. It wasn't a very bad job but it did not have any future expectations. I feel like a bachelor degree isn't enough for the cost of living in a big city, and I couldn't even gain back the investment my parents put on me. Studying abroad is a huge expense. Hence, the whole family decided to send me to Au for a master degree. And the nightmare came back. Every time I tried to look retrospectively, it made me irritated and anxious. I am always thinking that I am a failure in the past, so I won't be able to succeed in the future. The cost of living I mentioned above keeps pushing me back. And I failed/withdraw a lot of courses again. I really don't know how to get over it.

lovelcat · ‎31-10-2019

Right now I am trying to remove my financial liabilities and change my failed grade to withdrawal. It is a long process and needs lots of supporting documents. I don't know how to explain it to the University. as well as my parents. Letting them down again by telling them the truth? I don't know, I really don't. Too much time and money have been wasted, nobody could accept this shocking fact, even including myself.

Croix · ‎01-11-2019

Dear Lovelcat~

It is very easy to loose perspective and go down the path of seeing yourself as a failure. That does not mean it is correct.

When I read your story a see a young person sent to foreign countries where you did not speak the language well, and were motivated to a great degree by your parent's expectations. A sort of trap.

Then depression, which is sneaky and creeps into life without you realizing, just finding things are wrong, that study can't be done, and guilt heaps up.

Despite all of that you got a degree , something that might come easy to a few, but not those who have had to face the obstacles you have. That realy should have been the end of it.

Now your family is pushing you though exactly the same all over again. I'm well aware many regard academic achievement as the most important thing of all, however that is a mistake. Your health and well being are the most imortant things, not only to you, but hopefully to your family too.

So I'm wishing you luck with your withdrawals. Your medical support should be able to convince the university, and may even be able to go some way to convincing your family that pushing as they have been is self defeating and cruel.

Not everyone is cut out for advanced foreign study, many have other qualities, and sometimes parents cannot see this, however that is their failing, not yours.

If you did not feel obligated by that debt burden, but tried to look on the whole matter as a means of discovering yourself and what you could and could not do what would you like to do with your life?

Croix

lovelcat · ‎04-11-2019

Thank you for your reply. I did not mean to blame my parents. In fact, they are trying not to push me too hard after they knew I had depression. It's just a personal issue that I can't take control of my mental health condition.

I wonder if a psychologist is able to detect how long this problem has affected me. Since I want to remove my financial liabilities and change my failed grade to withdrawal for my last semester. The application requires me to explain why I could not seek help and apply for it earlier this year. I think my hope is that the psychologist knows what happened to me this year and offers supporting documents for why I couldn't make any move before. Thank you.