Feel so bad

[IR]

Hi there,

I just really need a place to say something.

Initially sorry for my bad English.

I'm about to finish my bachelor degree recently (one more semester to go) and I'm applying for postgraduate courses. After I submitted my personal statement yesterday, I couldn't stop thinking how bad my PS was. I don't have great GPA. I didn't do anything useful or learn anything from my internship. I hate to social with others - that makes me out of breath. I have only a few friends - even though they are nice people, and are much more excellent than me.

I feel like I didn't learn anything from school. Basically all I have done for the past 3 years is wasting my parents' money (and yes I was). I cannot focus on editing my PS, and only came up with "oh I should have written this" after I already submitted it. So my PS was like a trash - I am like a trash.

Rationally I can still tell myself that I'm not in a super bad situation... I am in one of the greatest university in AU, and already received an offer from USYD. My GPA isn't extraordinary but it isn't that bad, just average. So the only thing I need to worry is whether my current school will give me an offer. Even if it doesn't I still have a second choice... But this thought that I am a trash just can't get out of my head.

I used to have Hyperventilation syndrome (just googled its name) from Year 9 to Year 12. It gets better since I graduated from high school and came to AU, but seems like it is back a bit now. I stay up late these days and was keeping thinking about death - not about suicide, just feel fear that what happens after death. I know that sounds just like general teen problems, but it becomes not interesting when you keep thinking about this everyday.

A friend of my mom is suffering from severe Anxiety and affected by that, she is having Parkinson's symptoms now. My mom is really sad bc of that, so I don't want to tell her that I'm feeling bad recently. I also dreamed of my family situations. Briefly said they all love me but they don't love each other. My father always doubts my mom's parents/brother was stealing his money. They didn't but he doesn't listen to that. While I grew up, my father was telling me that how they stole his money and destroy his career; and my mom's parents were telling me that my father was trapped in his own unreasonable thoughts and wouldn't listen to anyone or any truth.

This thing might look messy and boring, thanks for reading it if you did, no matter who you are.

[Donte]

Hi IR,

thank you for sharing your experience in this forum. That takes a lot of courage. You are not alone. It seems you are under a lot of pressure to perform academically and this is very important for you and your family. What you are going through is common amongst so many students. The stress, the feelings of inadequacy and that you’ve failed your loved ones who have invested money and hopes and expectations on you. Take it easy and be kind to yourself. We all need time. Not everything has to happen right away. We have opportunities to learn and study and change careers throughout our lives. I’m almost 50 and currently going through a career change. It’s not unusual. You are not your career. You are not your degree. You are not your studies. That’s something that you do. But you are more than this! You are a human being not a human doing. Your English is great! You’ve done whatever you could with your studies. Other people should not define you. Their expectations are for them. You are your own benchmark. You don’t need to compare or watery about others. You are the unique human being that you are. There is nobody else on this earth like you. When you feel like a failure just remind yourself of this truth. Achievements are great but they are not who we are. They’re something we do. And we can do many other things. Hope you can talk to someone about all this. There are counselors and private chats on this website where you can explore your feelings. I understand that our culture and family can put a lot of weight on us but you are worth it and you are important despite your achievements. We are here for you anytime you need to talk. X

[J_M_12345]

Hey IR!

Firstly, congrats on almost finishing your degree. That's an amazing achievement. It sounds like you're pretty overwhelmed though. I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. As I student myself, I can tell you you're not alone. I finished school in 2017 and boy did I stress till I got to the end.

That breath thing you're describing? I have the exact same problem! I feel like I'm never getting enough air and I need to breathe deeper or yawn or something but I can't. And so I breathe faster and shallower and that just makes things escalate! Do you notice that it gets worse when stressed? If this is the case, it may be a symptom of your anxiety. Either way, I recommend checking in with a GP to rule out anything physiological and then if it is anxiety, you can totally see a therapist and they will help you with that! For me, exercise helps release that stress. Lying down and listening to music also helps with my breathing. Do these methods work for you?

Speaking of the anxiety, I think those negative, critical thoughts you are having like "I'm trash" often come with anxiety. So it's the anxiety talking, and you shouldn't believe that very mean voice inside your head. Have you watched this video by beyondblue about anxiety? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjxhqd5QJBU It might resonate with you. If so, have you thought about getting professional help e.g. from a psychologist?

One way I use to conquer that inner critic is to think the thought "what would I say to a friend in this situation?". This might seem silly at first but sometimes I literally talk out loud to myself as if I were my own friend. You'll find that we are kinder to friends than to ourselves. So when you "role play" and treat yourself as you would a friend, you may start to see that those things you say to yourself like "I'm not good enough" are not true and that rather, you should let congratulate yourself on how far you've come and the fact that you are still fighting for academic success despite going through a tough time.

In terms of your personal statement, maybe leave it for now? You know when you get stuck on an assignment and then you leave it, go watch a movie and come back with a fresh mind? Do you think you can try the same for your personal statement?

As Donte' said, you've got plenty of time. Your journey is unique.

Hang in there, and remember the Winnie the Pooh quote "you're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think".

Josette

[Donte]

Hi Josette (and IR),

That’s such a good technique to talk to yourself as you are talking to a friend! I often talk to myself in the third person as if I’m talking to someone else and it surely helps minimize the pressure and harsh criticism that it’s easy to place upon one’s self. We are our own worst judges often. Also, having battled with anxiety for decades, I’ve learnt that I’m not my thoughts. Thoughts come and go. I don’t need to pay attention to them. I don’t need to battle with them, argue or even engage them. There’s no need to acknowledge their presence. When it get overbearing, I start concentrating on my breath. I am my breath. The only constant thing that keeps me alive. Breathe. In and out. In and out. Concentrating on my breath only, as it enters my body and exits it, I find that within minutes I relax and the thoughts evaporate into thin air. They disappear as quickly as they’ve appeared into nothingness, where they come from. This is a very simple and yet effective way that has helped me deal with anxiety and irrational fears that bother me. Also, keep talking about it and continue medical treatment is of outmost importance. I will look up the anxiety link you mentioned. Thank you. And love the analogy of studying and taking a break before you get back to your assignment with a fresh mind and different perspective! What a great strategy to deal with issues! Take a break. Come back to it at a later stage if it gets too overwhelming! Wow! Thank you! This has made sense to me and will commence implementing it more actively and consciously! X