Dearest Nohopeforme, thank you for reaching out and sharing your pain. That means there is hope! There is hope because you can talk about it, you let people know what’s happening in your life and you are open to hear what others have to say. This in itself means that you want change and you are facing the problems directly in the eye. Very brave indeed! You are a caring person who despite the personal difficulties of childhood, migration, parenthood etc you are still doing what you can to make a difference for your own sake and for your children. You still try to improve your quality of life despite of others’ opinions and judgements. My heart aches as I read your story and feel that immense pain of yours. Never stop talking about it. Keeping it in won’t make it go away. Good on you for having the bravery to tell things as they are. As a migrant, as an unwanted child through an unplanned pregnancy being born from a teenage mother and being abused at an early age I can relate in more ways than one. As a single parent too, who has raised my now adult child alone, my heart goes out to you. You’ve made the right step talking in this forum. Have you tried to also get on the ‘chat’ line on this site? Or call? There are caring professionals who would listen to you carefully, won’t judge you, and confidentially and respectfully may be able to guide you to the right direction. Sometimes, all it takes is a word, a call, a minute...It is very difficult to try and disassociate from those who hurt us. To take steps back and see from another perspective. When we have been in abusive environments from early on it is very difficult to get rid of the harmful internalized ideas and opinions of others, to stop ‘hearing their voices’ and playing their tapes in our minds. Professional support and treatment may assist in this process and it takes time but it’s not impossible to finally reach a place where you can believe in your self and your abilities and trust that you are more than good enough. Be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to heal. As it takes lots of time to learn certain patterns from others it also takes time to unlearn, and relearn. It seems you are already on the right track just by talking about it.
