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Wife doesnt care if i get off

Community Member

Our sex life almost doesn't exist except for when my wife wants it and even then, it is how she wants it and my wants and need don't come into the equation.. to the point that that once she gets off she doesn't care if I do or not and is not interested in helping me out... this just destroys me to the point that my depression goes off the charts and I'm just consumed with anxiety.....

We have talked about is and it makes no difference at all.... she has talked about her sex life previously and the things she has done, but won't do any of these with me and this just cuts through my heart and I generally feel broken and overwhelmed with sadness and self hate..... I'm at a loss with it all and can't sleep, and am always just angry with the world.... I constantly have  thoughts and very vivid bad dreams of her doingall these things with othe guys and her just telling me no you can't .. It's in my head 24/7.......

How do I get over all this .......I'm just broken in side.   

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome


I'd love to help you however on this topic where it involves both of you I believe that couples counselling is the only way forward. I'd consult your GP for advice. BTW, if your partner is not willing to participate then go alone and if that was the case, I'd not discuss it with her but say "you can come along". If her love and concern for you is strong enough then she will take interest in such sessions.


Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

If your love making cannot be mutually sustained, then you might be questioning the role you presently serve; for without giving and receiving in equal measure, the premise of your relationship will undoubtedly be undermined. It is understandable you would be blaming yourself and feeling exploited/unappreciated, but your willingness to dutifully accommodate her needs 'on call' is contributing to the problem.
Your wife doesn't seem averse to sexual exploration according to your account, but this curiously does not extend to you. Does she find you sexually desirable or are your inducements merely fueling fantasies and desires from her past?
Another train of thought is that there might be some degree of control being played out as the dominant partner in initiating (and terminating) sexual contact. Your resultant nightmares evidence this cruel manipulation if indeed the case. There is also a chance that any lack of authority on your part (or perceived) is being expected to instill such passions. Talking more about her past encounters may shed light on what worked for her from which you could glean some pointers?
Perhaps some more conditions are necessary to ensure your needs are met - alternating pleasuring activities (setting time limits?) prior to culmination, or engaging in more romantic notions to heighten desires beforehand. The old fashioned 'date night' still promises greater affection for the person over and above the deed.
Feeling diminished as a vibrant part of the relationship is unacceptable and in the interests of self respect you may elect to refrain from or moderate demands for service until a compromise can be found.