What happened doesn't have to define me

[Mia001]

Hi everyone!

I'm new here. Not really sure what to do. Where do I start? Any suggestions?

Mia

[Mia001]

Hi Mary,

I saw my counsellor on Thursday. The focus was mostly on my anxiety, sleep and harassment at work. The breathing exercises she asked me to do seem to help a little when I’m anxious. I joined a gym this week mostly to get fit, and the exercise will probably help with my moods and sleep too. 😊

My sleep has been really disturbed lately. I’m restless and find myself waking up a few times in the early morning. When I get up, I’m tired.😕 My counsellor has given me a sleep diary chart to complete before my next session. Hopefully this will help in finding a solution.

I haven’t really talked to my counsellor about how I’m feeling stuck. Maybe on our next appointment. This week I felt it was more important to deal with my problems at work.

I will have more time to myself this week as I only have 3 shifts so far. These last few weeks I’ve been working every weekday, so it will be nice to have a few days free.

Talk later,

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

Good to hear you will be getting more time off this week. I hope that helps to settle you. Joining a gym is a great move. There is a huge amount proven links between exercise and helping with depression.

Waking in the early hours is a classic depression attribute. This is the time for dreaming about the issues that worry you and finding them reflected in your dreams. Can you remember if you have dreams and what they are about? If you can remember, and often they are lost a short while after you wake, write them down or a couple of sentences so you think about them. Some psychs of both persuasions find dreams a good source of information about you and what is happening. Others are not so keen.

I know I can remember some of my dreams from 17 years ago because I was able, with the help of my psychiatrist, to unravel them. They certainly alerted me to areas of my life that I had not considered a problem. I also remember a dream where the psych wanted to take me to hospital but I didn't want to go to that hospital because I had decided it was not a nice place. I told the psych I would go to a nicer hospital and in the dream he said, "That's the trouble with you, you only want to do the nice things".

Wow! Talk about telling it like it is. I struggled with that concept for a long time even though at some level I knew he was right. When I told him the dream he laughed but did not deny the veracity of the dream comment. Had lots of dreams that showed me various aspects of my life and how I was coping. I stopped being afraid to remember them and quite enjoyed working out the meaning.

Yes, your health is very important and while you are constantly worrying, even if it under the surface where you do not consciously know about it, there is still an affect on you making you tired because you are not getting the full cycles of sleep. I expect your counsellor wants to see when you are awake to better understand what you are missing out on.

Once you can do something about your sleep your general mood will improve. Not long until you start your course. Have you discussed your working hours yet. I hope your family will understand you need to attend lectures and the time necessary to complete required reading and assignments. Keep up the gym work as well.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi Mary,

Yes, I’m enjoying going to the gym. I mostly use the cardio machines and run on the treadmill at the moment. I’m hoping to see the PT in a few weeks so that I can organise a regular routine, and know what equipment I should be using. I really have no idea!

I don’t usually remember what I dream about. I find that I drift in and out of a half awake state where I’ll be aware that I’m dreaming and not quite asleep but it doesn’t make sense and I feel really confused. My dreams are often related to something that happened the day before. Sometimes I remember in the morning, sometimes I don’t.

After the abuse stopped, I used to have nightmares quite a bit and I would wake up crying. They were usually about someone in my family dying, or me dying to save them. I dreamed about being raped a few times. Interesting, since it’s never happened to me. I got married to my brother’s friend once! 😂 Not sure what that was about.

My dreams lately just seem to be a confused jumble of my real life and sometimes a feeling of being trapped or afraid. My counsellor did ask what I dreamed about, but it’s not something I’ve thought was important at the moment.

I wasn’t aware just how much my anxiety affects me. Since I’ve started doing the breathing exercises I’ve realised that I am anxious all the time, it just has to get bad for me to notice. Even when I think I’m relaxed I’m breathing too fast.

I’ve decided that there’s no point worrying about what my family thinks about my work and study. I know that they care about me, but I’m the one who knows myself best. I know what I can and can’t do. If I need to work less shifts so I can study that is what I’ll have to do. Hopefully I can stick to it. I planned on having a day or two off this week but I agreed to work more shifts. Oh well.

How have you been lately?

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

Great to see you are taking control of your life. Making decisions for yourself has positive benefits even when you feel you have made a mistake. It's your mistake and you carry the consequences. Much different to someone else calling the shots and you being left with consequences that are not of your making.

I see dreams as a way of revisiting my day or further back in my life. Dreams help you to understand what has happened in a situation and it's often different to the outcome you you expect. A bit of objective review I believe. Because you make the decision it's also up to you to change it if necessary and continue to change it.

I'm not surprised you woke up crying after having nightmares after the abuse. It is a way of setting the record straight in your mind. If your dreams are a confused jumble it may be because you are also confused and jumbled. Observe the process if possible and see yourself getting your life sorted.

I am going well, thanks for asking.

Mary

[Guest8901]

Dear Mia,

Just wanted to quickly drop in to say hi, and find out how you're getting along? Were you seeing your counsellor again this week? Sorry my memory seems to be failing me lately.

Ha ha, I see you're like me with all the fancy gym equipment. One week when I went to the gym, I was there a bit early for my group class so I walked into the gym room where they have all the big complicated equipment. I looked, but had no idea how any of it was meant to be used. Oh well, maybe something for another day.

Interesting about your dreams. My dreams are always related to my trauma situation, especially in March which is anniversary month for me. Perhaps I have other dreams occasionally, but I dont recall them. I guess the nicer dreams do not wake you up in a panic, and so you tend to forget them by morning. Its the bad dreams that always leaves an imprint.

I too have been given some breathing exercises by the people in hospital last week. Its true that if you are always very tense and anxious, you dont know what it is to be any different. So you dont realise how much it actually affects your every waking moment. I often find myself breathing really fast, and other times very shallow and even holding my breath at times. Which can lead to panic setting in. I'm learning to counteract that though. Sounds like you are too - well done. Hopefully realisation and know-how is half the battle won.

As Mary has very rightly said, you do seem to be taking control of your life now. Its great to see. You inspire me Mia. Keep up the great work.

Amanda

[Mia001]

Hi everyone,

Had a not so good day today. I’m stuck on the emotional roller coaster again. I’m just so tired. I feel like I’ve been pouring my energy into work and everything else and now I’ve pushed myself too far. Even coming here and writing is an effort, although I know isolating myself will do no good.

I cried when I finished my shift today. It seems like nothing went right. I was out the back making burgers with my brother which was a disaster. He was critical of everything, and I just felt like I didn’t belong there. I couldn’t focus. I think he sees me as competition. I have also been chosen as a team leader at work (as of yesterday) and I don’t think he likes me being in charge. 🙁

I’m so tired of his games. Tired of everything. Maybe I’m the problem. Maybe I need to accept that he’s never going to be the brother I want. Sometimes I feel like he cares me, like we’re normal. But then he’s so cruel and I wonder if I’m just blind and can’t see that he’s still abusing me, just in a different way. I don’t understand. I don’t know what to do. Do I try and be close to him or do I distance myself?

I’m seeing my counsellor on Wednesday.

Talk later,

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

Sounds like classic roller coaster and it is exhausting. But you know what, you are finding your way through it. You are being recognised for the hard work you do and the skills you are developing. Well done, congratulations on being made team leader.

When we are on the verge of getting to a new level it often seems we are losing the plot. Here you are, becoming a valued part of the team and learning to manage another task and feeling a little tired from all the effort you have put in at work and in the lead up to to start studying. One thing starts to niggle because it is out of step with everything else and that is your brother's behaviour. You immediately get distressed because it brings back the old fears.

Why can't he be a brother, why does he resent me, why is all this happening? You start to question yourself and find there is no answer and go straight back to feeling guilty. No, no Mia, you are doing well. Look at what you are achieving and how you have the confidence of the rest of your family and fellow workers. This is the real stuff not the niggle from your brother.

You are a trusting person and it hurts to find your trust abused. Not your fault, never your fault. Your brother is upset because you are making a better life for yourself. Remind yourself of all the good thing you are doing, the new career you will have and the self confidence to look the world in the eye and stand tall.

Try not to waste your energy on understanding your brother. He needs to work on himself but will continue his old ways if you put up with it. You said, Maybe I need to accept that he’s never going to be the brother I want. I think this is very likely and the more time and effort you invest in him the more unsure you will become.

Accept him as he is from day to day but ignore the comments etc that pull you down. I know it's easy for me to say and not so easy to do, but try. Remember how you got to this place one step at a time. This is how you will reach the next level, one step at a time. Remember you are in charge of your life and while it can be tiring to make all your decisions it is so much more rewarding.

Rest and a good diet are so much more integral to your well-being and will help you grow. Second guessing yourself or your brother will only be more confusing. Look ahead and I'm certain you will be a happy and confident young woman.

mary

[Guest8901]

Dear Mia,

Sorry to hear that Friday was a bad day for you again. I hope the weekend provided a bit of an emotional break for you?

I cannot imagine how difficult it would be for you to continue to be working with your brother, as you do. No wonder at the end of the day you are an emotional wreck. When you start your nursing course next month, will you continue to work there? Is there any way that you can organise to have different shifts to your brother, or are you reliant on car transport together? I'm sorry that he's never likely to be the brother you want, or even need. All you have control over is yourself, and you do a jolly good job of being a wonderful young woman.

Oh and by the way ... congratulations on having been chosen as a team leader. You are a leader Mia, you show great maturity and compassion in all that you say and do. A much deserved reward for you. And I do suspect that there would be a certain amount of jealousy and resentment from your brother. He plainly sees you as his competition, which in a way you are.

I hope this week is a better one for you. Sending you kind thoughts and a big hug.

Amanda

[Mia001]

Hi everyone,

I can usually manage working with my brother, but sometimes the criticism and teasing becomes too much. It’s worse when we are both making burgers because he feels like I’m trying to take his place. It will be a few weeks until I get my P’s so for now I will keep driving in with Dad. I only go with my brother when we both have early shifts.

Setting boundaries with him is part of moving on I think. Trying to be close is only causing me pain. It’s not helping him, and certainly not me. So I think keeping my brother at a distance will give me the space I need to heal. Maybe in time he will start fixing his life too.

I put my resume in at a local aged care facility on Friday last week do I’m waiting to hear back from them. Dad said if I get the job he will drive me in for a few weeks until I get my P’s.

My weekend was a welcome break from the stress of work. We had a great day. It’s so much more fun looking through shops when there’s a few people with you!

Hugs,

Mia xxx

[Guest8901]

Oh good on you Mia. I really hope this job at the aged care facility comes through for you. That would solve a few ongoing issues for you. Fingers and toes crossed that you get a position there. You'll be perfect for the job, whatever the exact role. The residents and other staff cant help but to love you. (:

Amanda