What happened doesn't have to define me

[Mia001]

Hi everyone!

I'm new here. Not really sure what to do. Where do I start? Any suggestions?

Mia

[Guest8901]

Morning Mia. Sorry to hear you're feeling stuck at present. Not an easy place to be, to feel like things are almost on hold, pending a resolution.

You sound much like I feel, in that you feel a need to talk about things, but freeze up and can't verbalise things. Also I think its very typical to consistently blame yourself for what happened in those types of situations. Logic would tell you that it was never your fault. I experience that same self blame issue too. Its silly, and I tell myself all the time how ridiculous it sounds, even to myself. I understand how hard it is to let these things go.

If a friend of yours was to tell you a story that matched your own, what would you say to them? Just curious. You're obviously a very intelligent and thoughtful young woman. You have so much to address, so much inner turmoil to resolve. Hopefully with your counsellor's guidance you will soon learn how to be kind to yourself and to become a happier and more settled person.

You may feel broken now, but like a beautiful mosaic, you can be pieced together again. And come out stronger and more splendid than ever before. Please dont give up hope of a full recovery, it can be done. I have faith in you.

Amanda

[Mia001]

Hi Amanda,

Self blame is a huge problem isn’t it. Logic seems to be overridden by feelings and our inner critic. For me, I know that he initiated it. I know that he bribed me. I know that he didn’t stop when I pushed him away. I know that I was just a kid who didn’t really understand. I know it’s not my fault.

But I feel differently. I blame myself because I knew it was wrong. Because I made the same mistake over and over. Because I agreed every time. Because I didn’t try hard enough. Because, in the end, saying no wasn’t that hard.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if things are been different, if my parents had found out. Looking back, I almost wish they had, and I might have been spared some of this pain. But I also wonder if it would have simply reinforced that what happened wasn’t that bad and that it was my fault. Maybe it would have been worse. I guess there’s not much point in asking “what if’s”. I can’t change the past.

I’m not entirely sure what I would say if it was a friend in my situation. I would tell them that it wasn’t their fault, but I wonder if I would secretly blame them like I do myself.

Thank you for believing in me.

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia and wave to Amanda

I believe anyone involved in a wrong doing can feel guilty. In your situation you were involved but against your will, no matter how it is dressed. Your brother traumatised you when you were too young to resist. I do understand how you can feel guilty just being violated because you had no defence. I know it's not quite the same, but think of the children who were abused by members of various churches. It was not their fault and yet they have grown up feeling abused and most prominently, dirty in some way.

Amanda has a good suggestion about how you would help someone else. Well, how would you talk to one of these children, either when they were children or as adults? What support would help them? This may help you to ask your friends for help and understanding. No need to go into the details, just talk about feeling depressed.

I don't know if anyone has referred you to BB information. Look under The Facts tab above and browse the depression information. Download whatever you want, except booklets. You can ask BB to send these to you. I think it's impracticable to download booklets. There is a booklet for friends and family. You can ask BB to send you several copies and give them to your friends. There is no charge. This may help you and your friends to talk.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi Mary,

Thanks, I’ll have a look at the Facts and see what I can find.

I called in sick for my shift today, because I was just too anxious. I’m not looking forward to facing everyone tomorrow. 🙁

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

Did I miss something? What is happening today (tomorrow)? What do you need to face people about?

Sorry about the questions but I am at a loss about what is going to happen. Well, probably already happened.

Whatever it is I hope it all goes well. Perhaps you can talk about it later.

Mary

[Guest8901]

Dear Mia,

My apologies for not replying before now. I've been selfishly self-absorbed all week unfortunately.

It sounds like you've not had the best of weeks yourself. I hope your week finished on a higher note than it sounded earlier? I note that you called in sick for work on Thursday, and that you were not looking forward to facing your workmates today. I wonder why that would be? How did it go anyway? Things are almost never as bad as what we anticipate, so I expect that will be the case for you on this occasion as well. Has your anxiety reduced since Thursday, and has your counsellor given you some tips to help with that process?

As for whether things would have been different had your parents discovered what your brother was doing to you, it likely would have been very different. And I'm sorry that they did not discover, as it would have likely saved you from all this self hatred and self blame that you are going through right now. However no amount of 'what if's' will change what is now. So its now a matter of learning to accept what happened, and learning to forgive yourself for (in your words) allowing it to happen.

Please don't continue to blame yourself Mia, its such a destructive emotion. You cannot allow that to happen. Be strong, as I know you can be. What occurred was NOT right, NOT minor and NOT your fault. Please write that down on a post-it note or something and stick it where you'll constantly see it in order to remind you of that.

I'm sorry I dont have more for you right now Mia. Maybe in a day or two. I really hope you're okay. Sending you a big hug gorgeous.

Amanda

[Mia001]

Hi everyone,

Mary - I’m sorry I was so vague in my post.

Amanda - Please don’t feel bad about not replying sooner. You have to take care of yourself too.

I called in sick at work on Thursday. I wasn’t really sick I was just anxious. I felt bad for skipping shift because I knew it would be hard for them to replace me. I spent the rest of the day at the park and library. One of my friends called and we talked for nearly an hour. I’m so thankful that she rang, because I really needed to talk to someone.

I went to work yesterday (Friday). My manager wasn’t angry or annoyed, much to my relief. They were surprised that I showed up actually.

Fortunately, my shift was in burger room, so I didn’t have to deal with any customers. I still had a lot of trouble focusing but I made it.

Part of the reason I was so anxious was because of this creepy who’s been coming in to work and buying drinks like 3 times in a few hours. That stressed me out quite a bit. I haven’t had many problems in the last few months. I thought that I was finally going to be left alone. 😏 I guess it was inevitable.

My anxiety has reduced since Thursday. I can still feel it lurking, but it’s under control at the moment. Yeah, my counsellor has given me a few exercises which work quite well.

Sorry, I’m going to have to go, my grandparents and cousin have arrived for the day. I’ll try to write more later. 😊 Thankyou both for your support, it means a lot to me.

Talk later,

Mia

[Guest8901]

Dear Mia,

So pleased to hear that you were able to catch up with your friend on Thursday when your anxiety had gotten the better of you. I expect it helped you?

Of course your manager was not angry or annoyed with you. You are entitled to sick leave, are you not? You had rung in and told them you werent well didnt you? So all good. And well done getting through Fridays work as well. I expect even in the burger room you do still need to remain focused otherwise mishaps could well occur.

I recall reading some way back in your thread about someone following you after work. Is that the same person you're having trouble with now? Have you reported this to your work supervisor, or perhaps even the police? If you havent already done so, I would urge you to do so, your supervisor at the very least. It could also be helpful for your boss to know for any future sick leave you may need to take. And its also possible that others could be being stalked as you are.

Did you have a nice weekend with a visit from your grandparents and cousin? And how was it back at work today?

Last week Mia you said "I guess I don’t want to talk on the forums because I don’t want to burden any one with my problems. I feel like I should be over this now, and I’m not doing enough to fix things". I just wanted to assure you that you are not burdening anyone by talking on your thread. Nobody is forced to read it. But I would like to say that many people reading it, and not necessarily posting here, could be benefiting from reading of your experience. I think all of us at some stage feel that we are a burdenon others. I often feel I should be over all this too. But the fact is .. I'm not. And obviously nor are you. We all try our best to fix things, after all why would anybody want to always feel like this? So its not from any lack of desire to improve. Its just incredibly hard Mia. Thats a given. If it were easy, there'd be no need for platforms like these forums. So make the most of them, and post when ever you feel the need to unload. Someone will always be listening, even if they dont post back immediately.

Right its just after midnight, so bed time. Take care Mia.

Amanda

[Mia001]

Hi Amanda,

I’m so glad that my friend called. I was much calmer after we talked. It’s funny, she knew right away that something was wrong even though I said I was okay.

I know I shouldn’t feel guilty about missing that shift, but I know what it’s like when we’re one person down. It affects the whole team. My manager was just shocked I think because I had come in early that morning and checked the roster. She hadn’t expected me to ring an hour before my shift saying that I couldn’t work. Being in burger room is easier because you don’t have to deal with customers. I still managed to drop lettuce all over the floor though. 😂

It’s a different person at the moment, and I don’t think that I’ve been followed. I haven’t seen them on my last few shifts which is a relief. I do tell my managers but I don’t think they understand how much it affects me. I’m very good at smiling and pretending to be okay, when in reality I’m falling to pieces inside. I smile when I’m scared or embarrassed too which I doesn’t help. I spoke to the police a while ago and they said that there isn’t much that they can do. 😏

I had a good weekend with my grandparents and cousin. We took my cousin to our neighbour’s place in the afternoon so she could feed their baby goats. They’re so cute!

I guess I’m just tired of my problems. I feel like I’m spinning round in circles and not really getting anywhere. It seems like every time I think I’m okay I fall again. I know I just have to keep going... but it’s so HARD and I’m so tired. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I know that somehow I will find the strength to keep going like I always do. I know there are people who care about me. It’s just hard to see them worry and want to help but they can’t do anything. I keep pushing everyone away, trying to bury all these feelings and it’s not working but I’m too afraid to face it.

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

I guess I’m just tired of my problems. I feel like I’m spinning round in circles and not really getting anywhere. It seems like every time I think I’m okay I fall again.

Sounds like you are in the doldrums. Do you know about them? It is an area of ocean where sailing ships were becalmed because there was rarely any wind to let them sail on. Sometimes the crew had to launch their boats and tow the ship out of the doldrums. A great deal of hard work to get the ship to a place where it could move under it's own sails. I'm sure you get the analogy.

Have you talked to your counsellor about the way you feel now? It is a common situation unfortunately. For apparently no reason we appear to go downhill and it's a mighty struggle to get up and once more climb the hill. Remember you have been through a stressful time applying to go to uni and soon starting your new course. It may not seem much but those kinds of stressors can take a huge toll on us. You are probably unable to take a break and I know you had a week off a little while ago, so try to rest and keep in touch with your friends. It was lovely you were able to catch up with your friend. Perhaps you can organise a get together with them, go out for coffee etc.

At the back of your mind there is also the shadow of your brother and that also has an effect on your energy levels. Lots to cope with. So be gentle with yourself and stop pushing yourself to do more.

Mary