What happened doesn't have to define me

[Mia001]

Hi everyone!

I'm new here. Not really sure what to do. Where do I start? Any suggestions?

Mia

[White_Rose]

Dear Mia

How are you managing? And how did your appointment with the counsellor go? I hope you gained something useful from it. Feeling alone except for written contact from BB can feel very lonely. Please don't give up, you have come a long way although it probably doesn't feel like it. Why not write down how you have changed? How your attitude has changed and your beliefs about yourself.

When we actually look at ourselves and compare ourselves with the past it can be quite surprising. All the doubts you had in the beginning and where are they now. No I don't expect you to feel you have no worries, just remember how many of them have gone or worry you less. Celebrate, even if it's a party for one.

Listen to your body. I was told that some years ago and found it good advice, despite it being given by a crappy person. Your body usually know what to do.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi Mary,

My appointment went well. I showed her the posts and she didn't seem surprised. She said it just confirmed what she thought - that I'd been holding back.

I've always known this wouldn't be easy but I'm starting to realise just how long it might take. It's okay as long as we talk about current issues. When it comes to my brother, what happened, and how I feel about all of this... I close up, because it just hurts too much.

And I've spent a quite a few years refusing to think about it, refusing to show weakness, to show emotion. Trying to cover my pain. Even though for most of that time I didn't know why. I didn't understand why I didn't like being touched. Or why I was so angry when people said that he was a nice person.

So I guess it's probably normal to be like this.

I've come so far, but it's still a battle. Talking brings back all those emotions I don't want to feel, the memories I don't have. My first reaction is to block it out. It's not easy to stop and force myself to think about it.

She said it wasn't my fault.

My counsellor is worried because my suicidal thoughts have been getting worse and more frequent. She's referring me to someone from Mental Health, as this isn't something she deals with. So I'll have to fit in more appointments. They'll probably put me on meds too. I'm not really sure how I feel about all of this. To be honest, I think it scares me.

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

So very proud of you to show the counsellor your notes. It takes a lot of courage to do it. That's what I mean about how far you have come. There's not a hope in hades you would have spoken to her about this stuff when you first saw her. Even your writing on BB has changed as you feel much safer and more supported.

It horrible that it will take a while to get through or over all this crap in your life. I really wish there was a way you could but you have spent so many years pushing stuff away and pretending everything was fine while inside you were screaming. That's not a criticism, it's what you had to do to stay alive and I do mean that literally.

Now you are starting to work on your hurts, on the abuse you suffered and of course it hurts.May I suggest you come to an agreement with your counsellor and/or psychiatrist? Talk about whatever topic is mentioned but if you get upset etc the topic must be changed. If you know that safety net is in place it will help you relax knowing you can stop anytime.

You do not have to take medication if you don't want to but please discuss this with the psychiatrist. There are all sorts of reasons that people have for not taking antidepressants (AD) and many of them are not valid. The ADs got a bad press to start with but this has changed. Write down your reasons for not taking ADs and ask the psych to explain.

Talking brings back all those emotions I don't want to feel. I understand this as I have gone through this and in fact am still going through times such as these. Please remember that the longer you hold on to the memories the longer it will take to heal. Ask questions, talk about expected outcomes, anything you like because this will help you enormously.

Not sure I have given you this help line number. Suicide Call Back Service, 1300 659 467 You can also go to their web site. https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ Copy and paste the address into your browser. I think you will find this helpful at those times when you need someone to talk to. These people are trained professionals and do not bite. I think you can be reassured by talking to them.

Mary

[james1]

Hey Mia,

I'm so pleased to hear that you were able to show her your notes.

It sounds like you're struggling to come to terms with how seriously a lot of this has affected you. That is okay. A lot of these feelings can be super overwhelming.

Like Mary said, ask questions and don't be afraid to be in charge. Remember it's your life, not your doctors', so you call the shots not them. If you need to call the suicide number, don't be afraid to do so. Thinking about suicide is not the same as actually doing it. It is not a slippery slope, but it is something that seriously affects your quality of life and we want to help you.

Again, good on you for showing her. I wonder if, perhaps a little swamped by all the very justified fear, there's perhaps a little bit of relief that she didn't judge you?

James

[Mia001]

Hi everyone,

Mary - You're right, I have come a long way. I've gradually been opening up here on the forums and to my counsellor. It's just slow. Very slow. But I know we're making some progress even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment.

With meds, I'm not sure how effective they are. Some people don't seem to have any problems at all, yet others seem to have a lot of issues with side effects or find they don't help at all. I guess it's worth a try though.

James - It was a relief that my counsellor didn't judge me. I'm not sure what I was expecting her to say, but she was very understanding. Maybe I thought she would blame me too. I don't know. I'm just glad she knows and we were able to talk about it. I'm starting to see that maybe everyone is right. Maybe it isn't my fault, because I'm the only one who seems to feel this way. Not even my brother has tried to blame me for it.

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

So pleased you can see your progress. The best progress is made fairly slowly with sometimes a big leap. The gentle pace allows you to absorb the changes and be settled in your mind and body. Similar to getting fit (I'm talking to myself here), frequent practice with small steps.

Meds are a big problem for some as I mentioned above. There is no sure fire way of knowing what will suit you though I believe psychiatrists have some sort of yardstick to determine the antidepressant for you. Remember it often takes about six weeks for the full effect to kick in. In the meantime you will gradually feel the difference as the effect ramps up. I suggest you keep a diary of the good and bad effects in you. This will be helpful to your psych to judge how effective the AD is. And also to decide if the side effects, if any, are OK or warrant a change. Again, it's a slow process.

The most common reaction when we have been harmed in the way you have experienced, is for the victim to blame themselves. Children often blame themselves when parents separate, feeling they have done something wrong. This is never the case. The same thing goes for you. You did not ask for this to happen. You trusted your brother, which is natural, but he clearly had no respect for you. It also affects your trust in other people. I am sure you have considered whether or not to trust someone and it is complicated by having your trust abused in the past.

No matter how hard it is, let out your pain a little at a time but always with the aim of finally being healed. No you will not forget and there may be times when it comes back. Learn how to deal with this other than by pushing it down. My psychiatrist said to me last week when I was getting upset about some thoughts, that instead of pushing them away I should learn to embrace them. Not entirely certain what this means so will ask when we next meet.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi Mary,

Like you said, I'm just going to have to take it tiny steps at a time, and eventually I will beat this. I'm just scared. Most of my fear is unfounded. My counsellor hasn't judged me yet I'm still afraid she will. I guess I'm just scared that she will see me how I see myself.

I have the day off work, so I'm just chilling out at the library. I don't really have any plans for the day so I'm just going to try and relax.

I would write more but I'm pretty tired and can't think at the moment.

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

Yes, I know that feeling when you believe someone is going to judge you in some fashion even though you have not experienced any judgemental attitudes or words from that person. Also the fear that you will eventually be 'found out' as an unworthy person, that at some point others will realise how bad you are. It's the same reaction as I said above when children believe they are the cause of their parents separation. Mostly importantly though, IT'S NOT TRUE.

Lovely to have a day off work and spend it relaxing. No need to write when you are tired. Depression does more than make you feel sad. It gets inside your head and whispers how bad you really are. Again it's not true but it is hard shake off these thoughts. I have found starting to do something else is a good antidote.

Have you seen the psychiatrist yet? If you can manage to trust him/her you will be doing yourself a good deed. I think I said earlier a psychiatrist's therapeutic approach is different to that of a counsellor. Not that one is better than the other, it's really horses for courses.

Fear is a huge roadblock to getting well. Well it's a roadblock for many things and we need to learn how to manage this. I think one of your fears is that you will never heal from your brother's abuse. I believe you will however long it takes. I am a grandmother and have just remembered some traumatic events that happened when I was a child. Oh how I wish these things had been recognised many years ago and that I had been guided through it all. The effect on the rest of my life has been horrendous and I've only just found out why. So please sort out your hurts now and don't let them swallow the rest of your life.

Fear can also be a good emotion as it can stop you engaging in harmful activities. So there is a positive side. Listen to yourself carefully at all times. You will heal.

Mary

[james1]

Hello Mia,

Well done on acknowledging that the counsellor didn't judge you, and that it is still something you are afraid of.

That is a very normal, though scary, response when we have a lot of things that we don't even want to look at ourselves, let alone others.

As Mary said, fear can be both useful or harmful. It's a matter of using our fear well and recognising when we should be trying to push past our fear which is something that comes over time.

It sounds like you're already doing a lot of good thinking on whether your fears are founded or not. It's important to acknowledge them even if we think they're 'silly', and then to try and tackle the fear when we are able. Keep it up.

James

[Mia001]

Hi everyone,

Yeah, I'm really glad that she didn't judge me. I'm starting to see that some of my fears simply don't exist. Mostly, I'm afraid of what could happen. I'm worrying about possibilities that might never happen.

Its good that I had the day off yesterday. I know I don't have to write but I make an effort to anyway. I tend to isolate myself when I'm feeling really bad. Lately I haven't been very interested or motivated to do anything, which isn't a good sign.

I haven't seen the psychiatrist? yet. (Can't remember if they're a psychiatrist or something else) My counsellor is organising a referral and she thinks they will contact me within a few weeks. I'll have to ask her more about it next week.

I am afraid that I will never heal from the abuse. Sometimes it's impossible to see a future where I'm free from this pain, where everything is not a struggle. I know it's possible. I just can't imagine it right now. I find myself wondering if I really have the strength to do more than hang on.

Mary, I'm so sorry to hear about your traumatic childhood. I really hope that you can sort things out.

Talk later,

Mia