What happened doesn't have to define me

[Mia001]

Hi everyone!

I'm new here. Not really sure what to do. Where do I start? Any suggestions?

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

You sound very upbeat today and it really is great. Perhaps a foretaste of how your life can be. One thing I find a bit confusing. Do you have two or three brothers? Is the older brother the one that is on drugs and abused you or are they different brothers. Perhaps you could call them brother one, brother two etc to help me figure out who's who and what's what. I think I was a slow learner.

Good news about the enrolment in the nursing course. Congratulations. I hope it all works out well. Does this mean you can stay at home while you study or will you need to find a place to live closer to the uni? Very exciting.

Why would it be devastating for your parents to know you are posting here? I think we have touched on a similar topic before. Are you concerned that your parents will want to know about your posts and discover what happened? Well, no need to cross that bridge just yet but think about disclosure in the future. Another topic for your psych.

Ah the good old roller coaster ride. We have all been on that, too often for some. It is all about levelling out your moods which means looking at your reactions to life's vagaries and managing them before they take over. Is that all, I hear you say. In many ways yes but of course it's not that easy. It does mean being aware of yourself and knowing that when 'this' happened i usually react in 'that' way. And it can result in lots of distress because you have become angry/resentful/sad/guilty etc.

The second part is knowing the difference between being, for example, angry because it is appropriate and being angry because you have been taken back to a place where you are not in control. These are very simple examples but I think you can understand what I mean. Again, something to discuss with your psych.

It has taken me some time to get there with the help of a great GP. Now, instead of the tsunami dumping on top of me and me taking days to fight my way to the top and breathe, the feeling is less overwhelming and I can get through it in a few hours. Like anything else there are always the exceptions.

I think I am beginning to sound like a teacher which is a good cue to shut up. Talk later.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi Mary,

Sorry about the confusion! 🙄 I realised it wasn't very clear but I wasn't sure how to write it since I can't use names. Hmmm... I'll have to think of a way to identify them. Maybe I can give them pseudonyms.

Any way, just to clarify: I have 2 brothers. My older brother is the one who abused me, works with me and is on drugs. My younger brother is still in school.

Yes, I'll be able to stay at home while I do the course, which runs for about 2 years. This will hopefully give me plenty of time to get my driver's license, save up for a car and start working in aged care. I'm really excited about it. Just hoping that I will pass the interviews.

If my parents found out I was on the forums they would read my thread. They'd find out what happened, that my brother is on drugs, that I'm seeing a counsellor... I would be in so much trouble. My account would be deleted and they would stop me seeing my counsellor. I would probably lose a lot of my freedom too. Not an ideal scenario.

I'm just worried because my younger brother has been using a lot of internet with online games, but he won't admit to it. My Dad mentioned that he might ring the internet provider to find out what my brother had been doing. I don't think it's possible to access the information easily, but there is still a small chance he will do it. If so, I'm in trouble. I told my counsellor this last week and we're going to talk about it more in my next session.

My moods have been very up and down lately. What makes it worse is my mixed feelings toward my brother. I don't know what to think. Sometimes I hate him, but then maybe I just hate what he did? I just can't help but care about him. Trying to explain this to my counsellor is nearly impossible. I don't know how to put it into words. Even when I'm writing I feel like I'm not explaining it properly.

Don't worry we all sound like teachers sometimes! 😊 I think it's great that you're able and willing to share your knowledge and experience with others.

Talk later,

Mia 🌸

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

I wondered why you were nervous about parents knowing about BB. I'm not sure they can delete your account here or stop you seeing your counsellor. Not entirely sure about that. How long until are you 18? Regardless of what would happen I can see it would be a very difficult situation. However you are not responsible for your brother's actions so they can hardly blame you.

Just call your brothers A (older) or B (younger). That will hide their identity.

As you say it's not that easy to get information from your IP. I suspect he could look at the history but this will also reveal your internet use so it may be best to ignore it.

I can understand your ambivalence towards your brother and he probably feels the same. One minute regretting he 'fessed up and the next wanting to talk about it. It's not easy to heal past hurts and you are just starting. I think you have explained your feelings very well above. Why not print it out and give it to your counsellor?

Have a great weekend. I am expecting my daughter and daughter-in-law plus their daughters for lunch on Sunday so the little girls can try on the dresses I am making. That's another hobby I have been able to start again. It's all looking up.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi Mary,

I'm turning 18 the beginning of next year, so there's not long to go. In regards to my parents, it doesn't change much though. Until I leave home, they are in control. It would be easy for them to stop me seeing my counsellor as I rely on them for transport.

Its not entirely my brother's fault. I should have known better. Maybe if I'd said no the first time I wouldn't be in this mess.

I have my own laptop and iPod so Dad won't find out by checking the history on the computer. I doubt he'll ask to check my devices.

I will copy and print some of the posts for my next session. I'm now seeing my counsellor every 2 weeks so I've got plenty of time to get organised.

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better and able to enjoy your hobbies again. 😊

Hope you had a great weekend,

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

How old were you when your brother abused you? Do you really believe you were old enough to say no or understand what was happening? Come on, you have lived with the consequences of this abuse for a long while and it is still hurting you. Do not falter now. You have been given a chance to put this away and your brothers acknowledgement of his role is part of the healing process. It is also part of his healing process which is necessary now he has admitted his actions and regrets them.

Good that you have your own laptop. I presume it is password protected. Great idea to print your posts and any others. I think your counsellor will be pleased you have good support here.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi Mary,

I'm not sure how old I was. Maybe 12? No, I didn't really know what I was doing or how it would affect me. But still, I was smart enough to know it wasn't right, and I said no eventually. Why couldn't I have done that to start with? I wish it was all his fault, but I know it isn't. I still have to live with knowing that I let him do it.

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

You really must talk to your counsellor about this. It's the same situation as a rape victim being told it's her fault because she was in the wrong place or didn't fight hard enough, a comment I have heard several times, or she should not wear short skirts, as though we are responsible for a man not being able to control himself. No matter what the reasons for his actions he knew he was doing something wrong. A twelve year old is a vulnerable person. The fact that you cannot even remember your age to me means you had little idea of the whole picture.

Mia, your brother abused you when you were a young girl. He made sure you did not immediately tell your parents because you felt ashamed. The shame is not because you 'allowed' this to happen but because your brother thought it a good idea and had no respect or concern for you. He certainly had no love for you, and by that I mean the family love we have for our siblings, parents and others.

Did you encourage him? No, of course not. I think you had no idea what was happening. Please do not allow yourself to take any blame. Talk to your counsellor about this the next time you meet.

Mary

[james1]

Hello Mia,

Maybe it's not entirely his fault and stems from some other thing, but it certainly isn't your fault in any way. Guilt and feeling at fault is a very common symptom of people who have been abused.

I don't know how to show you this because often we feel differently to how we think. We also forget about how pressure feels once we start looking back. Perhaps you now feel like you could've said something, but in the moment, it may have felt like the only options were: yes, or risk making him upset or disappointed.

It's not really a choice for someone who is very empathetic.

About your younger brother, I think you are right to worry about the drugs especially if your older brother is just openly discussing them. It doesn't set a good example. Have you spoken to your older brother about not talking about it in front of your younger brother? The only other thing you could really do if you don't want to tell your parents is just to make sure you set a good example for your younger brother and hope he follows you instead.

Sounds like there's a lot of pressure at home. Hope you are okay.

James

[Mia001]

Hi Mary and James,

I don't really know what to say. I know I'm not responsible for what he did, but I'm responsible for me. And I could have done more. Should have done more.

I still haven't told my counsellor exactly what happened. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of what she'll think of me. Maybe I'm afraid she'll say it's my fault too. I don't know. I'm just confused. I don't want to believe it's my fault, but I do.

I'm tired of hurting, tired of everything. Why can't I just be normal?! Every time I think I'm getting somewhere, I fall again. I keep fighting and I'm not even sure why. I just want to give up because I can't deal with this anymore.

Why do I have to care so much?! It's tearing me up inside. I wish I could help everyone but I can't. I can't even take care of myself.

I don't even take the time to listen to my younger brother. He tries to talk to me and I'm just miles away in my head. I'm not even a good example for him. I just sit there and let my older brother yell at him because I'm too caught up in my own problems to care. I need to be there for him, and I'm not.

What is wrong with me?!!!!

Mia

[james1]

Hey Mia,

Oh you sound so upset 😞 I'm really sorry to hear that.

There is nothing wrong with you. You sound overwhelmed by everything that is happening.

If you don't mind, I'm going to try and re-tell you what I am hearing you say at the moment. Please let me know if I've got anything wrong.

1. you are trying to manage some long-term struggles with sexual abuse

2. you are also trying to deal with this abuse head on by confronting your brother about it

3. you are worried about your older brother's drug habit

4. you are protecting your younger brother from the drug habit of your older brother

5. you are protecting your parents from all of the above

6. you are protecting yourself from perhaps being judged by your counsellor about what happened before

7. you also have to deal with school

I'll be honest with you. That's a lot for anyone to cope with. I mean, I struggle enough as it is to just get to work and feed my pets.

You're a very capable person Mia. I know it feels like the opposite, but there is so much going on at the moment that it is no surprise that things feel out of hand.

Perhaps as a starting point we can just focus on that 6th one with your counsellor. She won't judge you because, like us, she also believes that there's nothing wrong with you, just something wrong with the situation you've been placed in.

When is your next appointment with her?

James