What happened doesn't have to define me

[Mia001]

Hi everyone!

I'm new here. Not really sure what to do. Where do I start? Any suggestions?

Mia

[Mia001]

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to let you know that the appointment went well and I did show her what I wrote. I'm working a close shift tonight so I'll try to post tomorrow.

Mia

[Guest_5218]

Thats great to hear Mia. I look forward to hearing more when you have the chance and are feeling up to it.

Sherie xx

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

That was a great idea. I have suggested it to others, though not copying multiples of your post. It's great because it shows how you approach various matters and gives a snapshot in real time on your progress. I am impressed.

Post when you are ready. I am interested to hear about your psych's reaction.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi,

I think someone was following me yesterday. There was this guy acting strange in the shopping centre which I didn't think too much of, except that he came up behind me and made comments about my but when I was heading to work. This freaked me out, so I told the manager what had happened and stayed out the back for a while before I left.

I wouldn't have been so worried except that I saw him again an hour or so later as I was leaving the park. At this point I was really losing it, so I went back to the shopping centre where I could call security. It took a while for me to calm down. Not a great start to the day!

The session went well though. I didn't know what to expect when I handed her the paper to read. I was just very nervous. I realised that this could be a huge mistake that I will regret, but it was too late to change anything. The room was quiet, very quiet. She asked a few questions, and I waited anxiously for her to reach the bottom of the page.

And you know what? It wasn't that bad after all and I don't regret telling her. It wasn't easy though and I couldn't say exactly what happened. I just sat there thinking.

It's interesting because I had no problems when I decided to tell my best friend. It was exactly the opposite, I wanted to talk about it. I found it surprisingly easy, and I was quite calm. Yet when my counsellor even mentions it I can feel my heart start racing. I tense up and get that sick feeling in my stomach. I wonder why it's so different?

I'm looking forward to hopefully getting some decent sleep tonight. I'm soooo tired. 😴

How is everyone going?

Hugs,

Mia

[Guest_5218]

Hi Mia.

Firstly, I congratulate you on how well you handled matters to do with the suspected 'follower'. Not sure I would have been so sensible and logical under the same circumstances. Do remain vigilant however (without becoming obsessed) in order to maintain your personal safety. Honestly you cannot be too careful.

It sounds like you did very well also when it comes to your counsellor session. Even better that you feel good about what you have discussed with her so far, and that you have no regrets in your disclosures to date. Do you feel that your counsellor is 'in tune' with your emotions, that they understand you and what you need to get from all this?

I dont know why it is different when you talk to your friend as opposed to your counsellor. Could it be that when you spoke to your friend you spoke more about the facts, as in a factual account of what happened - a situation where you may be able to distance yourself from it emotionally? Where as when you spoke to your counsellor you are forced to also feel the emotions around the situation.

For me, I have developed the ability to write my experiences down on paper as a third person, and retell the story almost as an onlooker may do. I think its classified as dissociating. However if I then read back what I have written, I am a sobbing and shaking wreck. I once again only see myself in the scenario, its back to happening to me again, and I find myself unable to switch off the emotional or physical reactions. Its kind of weird, and I cant explain it any better than that. But our brains have a mind of their own, and its difficult to train them to do our will sometimes.

I really hope you have a restful sleep tonight too Mia. I hope that knowing you've done so well so far, and that likely the hardest part of the process is now done, you can rest easy.

How am I going you ask? Actually I had a long session with my own psych today. I'm hoping it will improve things for me, as I've not been that great myself either of late. Suffice to say, I too am desperate for sleep.

I'll check back with you again soon.

Sherie xx

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

Goodness me that must have been a scary time for you thinking you were being followed. You did the right thing which was probably not easy. Shows you have a sensible head on your shoulders. It may be useful to report this to your local police. They may put an extra presence in the area for a while.

I am so pleased your psych session went well. Although you may not remember much at the moment you will have a sudden memory and say Ahhhh to yourself. Our memories are tricky things and do not always obey us. You have also been trying to forget a lot of this until recently and the brain sometimes co-operates in the wrong way. Whatever the reason I think it will come back and if not ask your psych to repeat her words. Take it slowly and gently and ask when you don't understand or remember.

Why was it easier to tell your friend? You trust your friend, she has been with you a long time and you know how each other ticks. She presumably knows your family and can put faces to names and actions. Your psych has a very different role. She is not your friend, although I hope she is friendly. It's not her job to be friends with her clients. Instead they are, hopefully, an objective person watching from the sidelines. Your psych has completed many years of training which helps her to sort out what is going on in your life while your friend basically accepts what you have said and gives you comfort.

I hope that is understandable. Being nervous when talking with the psych is natural. You know how your friend feels about you but your psych comes with a label and a different way of talking to you. I think all of us would be wondering how this person can help, but often more importantly to you, will she disapprove of me, think I'm wasting her time, that it was my fault. It's unlikely she would think in this way but you needed several sessions to see if she was trustworthy and non-judgemental. Now you know.

Your psych will also trigger your emotions at times and none of us like this. It's not deliberate or malicious, it's what happens when we talk about frightening and horrible activities. I think you took a huge step yesterday and this will be a good foundation for further talking. Great stuff.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi,

I will be careful. Hopefully, he will leave me alone and I won't see him again. I think that if I see him in the shopping centre again I will tell security just in case. Then at least they will know even if nothing happens. I have talked to the police before about harassment and there's little they can do. At the moment I'm happy to leave it so long as he doesn't show up again.

I do feel that my counsellor understands but as she said, I'm used to bottling things up. It makes it hard for everyone else to really know how I'm feeling. I think the more I open up the easier it will be for her to understand the whole situation, and for me to relax.

Sherie - What you said about distancing yourself emotionally makes sense. I've noticed that I can't really feel strong emotions anymore. I know it sounds silly, but I can't cry. I'm not sure this is a good thing either. Sometimes when I'm upset I want to because I know it will make me feel better, but I can't. It's worrying.

I also find that when I'm stressed/upset I'm easily overwhelmed by what's going on around me. Light, sound, movement... it all becomes too much and I can't focus unless I close my eyes. There's just too much to process.

Mary - "I think all of us would be wondering how this person can help, but often more importantly to you, will she disapprove of me, think I'm wasting her time, that it was my fault." My thoughts exactly! I'm always wondering what they are really thinking because sometimes it's so hard to tell. I just have to trust they are being honest. I guess with friends you know a lot about them, and they're more likely to be open with their views and opinions which makes it easier to trust them. A counsellor is someone you know very little about who knows almost everything about you.

My memory isn't very clear when it comes to what happened. I can guess how old I was, but I really have no idea how long it continued for. I don't remember many details or specific incidents. It's confusing! My counsellor said this is normal though, so I'm glad she doesn't think I'm just being evasive.

Sherie, I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling so great. I hope you got some sleep last night. 🙂

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

I think you are opening up very well. I have learned so much about you lately and I am proud of the way you are going. I know how it feels when emotion swamps you. This is what happens to me. And it's often several days before I can function properly. I have the problem of trying to stop crying. Look your emotions will start to get back in kilter soon. You are walking the right path and although it will take a little time you will come out the other end with so much courage, which you already have, and so much understanding of people. I think the word is awesome.

Trusting others is difficult when you have been let down in the past. It makes you vulnerable and sometimes afraid. I have found a small group of friends I trust and this is the norm. You may know many people but you will find most have a small circle of those who care about each other.

Counsellors, including psychologists and psychiatrists must keep to a code of ethics. Each group has their codes but they are similar. They have been written to protect their clients interests and they would be out of work very quickly if they betrayed that trust. In essence they can only talk about you to someone else if they think you will harm yourself or someone else. I believe that's unlikely where you are concerned.

So keep faith with your counsellor even though it's hard at times. Can you set up a system where if you are not up to talking about a particular topic you can say so and leave it for another time. I think you will be more comfortable and able to go back if you feel there is no pressure. Just a thought.

Remembering when you are under stress is hard. This uncertainty can be upsetting when you think you know what happened but part of the jigsaw is not readily available. It tends to make you question anything. I know you want to regain that memory but the more you struggle the more it eludes you. It most certainly is not evasion. Try to relax , your memory will return in it's own time. When you remember try to write a quick note to remind yourself.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi Mary,

I guess I'm just going to have to wait it out. I know I can't fix everything overnight, but I still have to keep telling myself to take it slow. I am getting better at opening up. I just get frustrated when I know should say something and I can't. I have to keep reminding myself that I've only seen her 3 times now, obviously it's not going to be easy talking about it. To be honest, I think most of the pressure comes from me, not her.

Anyway, I have to start work in 30 minutes, so I'd better get moving! My aunt and cousins are coming tonight for a birthday party so I'm not sure how that will go! My aunt will probably ask about my OET test results. Hopefully she will be more positive when she hears that I passed.

Hope you have an great weekend! 😊

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

It is hard wanting to get well all at once but knowing it will take time. I imagine most people go through this and I am definitely in that group. Fix it all by yesterday.

To be honest, I think most of the pressure comes from me, not her. Yes I can see this. It is frustrating. I'm not sure if this phrase is still around. Softlee softlee, catchee monkee. Your monkee is still jumping from tree to tree but will be tamed soon.

How did the party go? Hope you had a good time and had lots of approval from aunty.

Mary