What happened doesn't have to define me

[Mia001]

Hi everyone!

I'm new here. Not really sure what to do. Where do I start? Any suggestions?

Mia

[Guest_9809]

Hey well done Mia!

I'm sure it will all go well, just be honest with him. Let us know afterwards how you got along.

Its natural to be a bit nervous, but you'll be fine. Breath ......... in, out, count.

Taurus xx

[Mia001]

Hi Taurus,

Just saw the GP. Actually, he was really great. Very understanding of the whole situation. He made an MHCP for me, and I've now got an appointment for September 1 to see a psychologist. Hopefully, it will be sooner because I'm on the urgent cancellation list. I just have to talk to work because I may have to cancel a shift if I have a last minute appointment. I think the manager will be understanding.

I'll start housesitting on Tuesday, which is pretty exciting. Looking forward to that.

Mia

[Guest_9809]

Good result Mia. Well done! Its usually the anticipation of these things which turn out to be far worse than the actual event. These days GPs are very well knowledgeable and understanding when it comes to MH issues.

I'm really pleased that you now have a MHCP in place. I gather that means you did not need to tell your parents? Seeing a psychologist is a much better option for you when it comes to continuity with a psych, as opposed to a counsellor. Hopefully you really 'click' with your psych, and it develops into a really trusting and successful working relationship.

September 1st may seem like a little way away, but it will come around very quickly. In the meantime I would recommend you make a few notes - things you want to cover with them when you do get in. Its usually pretty stressful at the time, especially the first appointment, so its very easy to forget all the things you want to relay to them.

The housesitting sounds like it will be good for you, and will perhaps allow you a little more 'free' time to do things you enjoy and find relaxing or invigorating, whichever it is that you need at the time.

I hope you are fully recovered from the flu or bug you and the rest of the family had earlier?

Keep us updated ... I'm always interested. (-:

Taurus xx

[Mia001]

Hi Taurus,

I didn't have to tell my parents, which is really good. I just got a phone call because someone cancelled; I've got an appointment at 8am tomorrow. Not much time but I'll write some notes tonight. Yeah, finding the right person is really important. It's going to feel a bit weird seeing someone new but I'm sure I'll get used to it. I guess it's not so bad if it doesn't work out though; there has to be a few psychologists around.

We're all better now and back at work. At least it didn't linger too long!

Housesitting will be great. I'll have to do the cooking and clean the house etc, but being in town means I can "go home" straight after work instead of waiting until 5pm. That will make a big difference. I'll have my older brother to keep me company which is good. Will miss my cat though 😞 I'm hoping to go home on the weekends.

Mia

[Guest_9809]

Wow, that was quick! Lucky too, because it means you wont be fretting about the upcoming appointment for 2 weeks. All good. I'd be very interested to hear how you go. I'll be thinking of you.

Of course you'll miss your cat. Dont we all miss our pets? Does the house you are housesitting for, have a resident cat or dog?

Talk again soon.

Taurus xx

[Mia001]

Hi Taurus,

Yeah, very happy about the appointment. No time to stress about it!

No, there isn't a resident cat or dog. I'll probably find one of the neighbours has a cat and adopt it! 🙂

See you later,

Mia

[Mia001]

Hi Taurus,

I just saw the psychologist. She seems really nice! I think we'll get on okay. I must like her because I talked a lot! She got me to do a chart for anxiety/stress so we can see how I progress. I'm feeling so much better about things. Oh, she also suggested that I join the safety team at work, which is something I've been interested in for a while.

Anyway, I have to go to work. Probably won't be on here until Sunday because I'll be away.

See you later,

Mia

[Guest_9809]

Thats fantastic Mia, I am really pleased. And thanks for letting us know.

Sounds like a great start, and I'm sure the trust of your psych and subsequently your ability to share your thoughts and fears, will continue to build. All very important stuff, to have someone you can open up to in a very honest way is so important. It puts us in a very vulnerable position, so it isnt easy. Well done.

Catch you on Sunday maybe. Hugs sweetie.

Taurus xx

[Mia001]

Hi,

I actually posted this on another thread Blame, guilt and being fair to yourself, but I really should have put it here so I copied what I wrote...

I just feel so lost. Some days it hurts so much but I just keep up my facade, pretend I'm okay. But I'm tired of it. I just want to fix my life and be normal. But deep down I know I'll probably carry these scars for life. I keep telling myself I can't change the past, I can only shape the future. But I'm scared. Scared that I'll never get over this. It was years ago and I didn't remember what had happened until I starting seeing a counsellor. It brought back all these memories I didn't want, but I can't change it. I never told the counsellor. I just told her I didn't want to talk about it. I guess I didn't want to admit that it happened because then I would have to face my fear.

But I'm tired of running. Now I've got to the point that I just want to move on and I'm ready to talk about it. I told 2 of my friends, and it was kind of a relief just to say it. I guess now they understand all those times I just "needed space". I was so scared, I didn't know how they'd react. At least I know they're here to support me.

I had my first appointment with a psychologist last week. It was the first time I really admitted to myself that it was abuse. She doesn't know anything except that something happened and I don't want to talk about it. Actually, I kind of feel bad because she asked if I had ever been sexually abused and I said no. I guess I was just scared of what would happen if I said yes. But I know that I'm never going to be okay again if I don't deal with this and face it. I have to stop running.

I'm just so scared of what will happen if I tell her. I worry that if I tell her everything she'll have to report it, and then I don't know what happens next. I don't want to go through that. I feel that it was my fault, that I should have done something to stop it sooner. Sometimes I think am I just being stupid about the whole thing? I don't know what to do. Do I tell her everything or just a bit? Can she help me if I don't tell her the whole story? Will she be angry that I lied to her? I don't know; I'm just so scared, and I'm so tired of hiding this from everyone, but I know I can't tell my family. It would devastate them, and they wouldn't believe me. What if she tells them?

What should I do?

Mia

[Guest_9809]

Hi Mia, and thanks for reposting this to your own thread, as I missed the other one.

It is quite likely that you will carry your scars for life. However just remember that a broken bone heals stronger than the original. It develops scar tissue to protect and strengthen against subsequent breakages. So although you may have some scars, it does not mean you will be weaker or less able. A scar or a break is a sign of having overcome hardship definitely something to be proud of.

Really pleasing that your session with your psychologist went so well. As you may recall, we discussed the importance of developing a trust and confidence in your therapist. It is likely that you will continue to develop a good working relationship with this psych, and will feel better able to confide in her as you go.

Yes it is important to be honest with your psych. If they dont know whats happened, or happening, in your life they are less able to help you work your way through the issues. It will also help her to determine the best form of therapy for you. Unless she knows the full story, they are only able to treat random symptoms, rather than the true cause of them.

I can totally relate to you about being afraid to discuss past trauma's, it is a daunting prospect to bring everything out into the open. It took me two years of occasional sessions with my psych before I finally divulged what had happened to me. Not sure you're aware, but I was sexually assaulted some years ago. I realise this is somewhat different to your situation where you were only a child. However many of the same emotions still exist around something which occurs unexpectedly and totally against our will. Yes, those feelings of guilt, fear, blaming ourselves for what happened or not being able to prevent it, are all very familiar - child or adult alike.

You have tried to repress these traumatic memories, but they remain there until you have processed, accepted and dealt with them. The best way to do that is to be honest with your psych and submit yourself to her care by undergoing appropriate therapy.

Remember .... it is NOT your fault and you are NOT being stupid. What you are experiencing is a fairly normal response to untreated trauma.

Talk to your psych as fully as you're able. She'll tread gently if she knows of your trauma background. She wont push, but will encourage you to divulge in your own time. Details discussed in psych apts remain confidential.

What should you do? Be honest.

T xx