This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

Hey Lisa... at the moment I'm very tired. I've done nothing this am which isn't normal. Work was super busy Thurs and Fri, then I couldn't sleep Fri night as I was nervous about being out of my comfort zone for the wedding, then I was SUPER excited. Was a very long day after poor sleep.

I guess I feel like a reject. A problem. Unwanted. Undesirable unless it's a means to an end. On the shelf. I was asked a couple of times about kids and marriage by newly met people. I said "No. Neither. Never wanted kids and I've been unlucky with men. I hope one day tho....." I had lovely chats though. My replies weren't the expected norm thats for sure.

Inside my mind I was thinking " It's 2022. We have all the virtue signalling of diversity out there yet everyone is still stuck in the dark Ages." Bah

[velvetfaerie]

Whoops. And no. Not in contact with ex. Last time we interacted was mid February. Ish.

[asdff]

Down, trying to get all of the thoughts out of my head.

[Airies]

Asdff, I can recall my last visit with my psych.. she’s brilliant by the way as she pulled the chair closer and said something as she was tiring of my antics. It helped and I haven’t needed to see her for a while.Bit rich your psych suggesting you like being down. As if . I have mini spirals. Daylight saving ending , gloomy days and so on won’t help.

Lisa 3 months without a smoke is huge. She must be feeling so good. I found my appreciation and taste of food increased. My love affair with food still continues . Oh well.

Leisa I rarely go out and like you am gobsmacked at the prices . My wife and I try and go out for a meal once a fortnight.

Velvet, so glad you had fun at the wedding for the most part and meet someone who accepts you for you..

Recently we went to a wedding at our friends property,country folk and it was fantastic.

My wife has the patience of a saint. Living with me is not easy. I am so blessed to have her.

I like the idea of calling it a chemical imbalance. Stops them recoiling in horror.I am so thankful to have stumbled on the thread a number of years ago. Without it I would have been so lost.

A little thing for me , I haven’t chewed my nails for 3-4 weeks. A lifelong habit. As a kid I would chew the skin off, a revolting habit.

Quirky I hope this one sticks around. We all need someone.

[Leisa68]

Asdff, I know how you feel, I have just gone through (I think it's finished) a period of my mind just taking over with a million thoughts going through my head. I finally got to see my psychiatrist who promptly put me on an antipsychotic which has actually worked. It's probably not for everyone and some people absolutely do not wish to take meds I respect that. I just wanted to let you know I know how you feel. It's debilitating and lonely. But I've come out on the other side and so can you.

Went to the local pool today which was delightful. My 11-year-old son wants a Kiss concert ticket for his birthday, looks like I'd better put the makeup on!

I hope you all are well

Leisa

[asdff]

Thank you Leisa, Airies, Quirky, Velvet, Lisa, WK and all, I am glad I have a safe space in here. I'm currently healing from a physical injury. It’s an old injury I thought had healed. I have been resting it as much a possible today. I can’t use exercise to boost my mood with this injury.

My Dad is coming over. My Step Father is towards the end of his cancer battle. I have friends in isolation with one member of their families having coronavirus. It’s nearly school holidays. The weather can’t make up its mind. All of these things weigh on my mind. I do well with routine and some sort of certainty. Feeling overwhelmed.

[quirkywords]

Aries I am the one who leaves the relationships. I am ok about being alone. It is better than a chaotic relationship.

I do admire those in long relationships.

Deep down I feel I don’t deserve a caring partner so I would pick partners who were very flawed like me.

[Airies]

Asdff, can relate , my body physically is starting to rebel.I have a high tolerance to pain but pain down and up from my knee is stopping me from enjoying my walks. Some simple digging in the garden and my back muscles go. A few falls recently haven’t helped. I’m in my late 50s and not that old and have exercised all my adult life. Just about to head out on my bike with a new gearing system which feels me with some apprehension. I don’t like change. I have to google things for me to make sense of some things. I’ve a birthday coming up….. sponge cake yum.

Asdff , you’ve a lot on your plate. It’s ok to feel the way you do. We are so , so alike as you have often said.I hope you’re feeling a bit better today.

[asdff]

Airies, thank you my friend. Your post made me smile. That is a hard thing for me to do at the moment; smile. I had a dentist appointment today. Just a clean. I didn’t mind the dentist, it gave me a reprieve from feeling depressed.

[Airies]

Hey Asdff, I’m glad I did. There’s an old Bill Withers song from the early 70s that encapsulates what we all do here.
Ive avoided the dentist despite the email reminders.I hope you can stretch a few good days together 🙂